Lawndale 2021 - Season 03
by Anguirus1955
Summary: The underwater facility full of deranged lunatics and exasperated teenagers is back! Join Daria Morgendorffer, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Dr. Quinn, Captain Murphy, Anthony DeMartino, Jane Lane, and Upchuck as they face rapping parasites, mutant hybrids, malfunctioning equipment, sinister plots and more in Lawndale 2021 Season Three!
1. Final Request

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 029 [3-01]: Final Request

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Wednesday, March 11th, 2022

Daria blinked as she looked around the bridge. "That was weird," she said to herself quietly as she noticed Sparks talking to the crew of a small transport sub. "Yeah... reduce speed and then prepare to dock. Yes, I'll let Lieutenant Commander Barch know about it. Of course. Uh-huh, bye," Sparks said.

Sparks looked over and saw the look of confusion and disorientation on Daria's face. "Hey, Lieutenant Morgendorffer, is something wrong?" Sparks asked her. "I'm... not sure. I just had the strangest feeling that something incredibly bizarre had taken place, but I can't remember a thing about it," Daria replied. "Huh, well don't worry too much. Everyone gets that feeling at some point in their lives. _Everyone_ ," Sparks said before he resumed a game of Solitaire on one of his console monitors.

A few minutes later, Lieutenant Commander Marco Marquez entered the bridge. "Hey, everyone, we have a very special guest arriving soon," Marco said. "Huh?" Daria asked him in surprise. "Oh, right," Sparks said. "The Final Request Foundation is sending a dying kid here to take a tour of Sealab," Sparks explained.

"Oh," Daria said. "That's... sad," she added. "Yeah, her name is Angelica Pickles. She's really sick, and so we have to make sure that she's happy while she's here," Marco said. "Okay. When is she supposed to arrive?" Daria asked him. "Tomorrow," Marco said. "She'll be arriving late morning tomorrow, and I'm going to host a pizza party for her," Marco added.

"Pizza?" Daria asked with interest. The other bridge door slid open and Captain Murphy made his way inside, followed by Commander Li and Commander DeMartino, both of whom were bickering about something. Murphy had tuned them both out after about twenty minutes.

"Hey, Marco, what's up?" Murphy asked as he walked over. "Oh, Captain, have you heard about the little girl who's coming to visit Sealab?" Marco asked him. "Uh, didn't we have some girl from a magazine visit us a while back already?" Murphy asked him. "This is a different girl," Marco said.

"Oh, so who is this new girl?" Murphy asked him. "Her name is Angelica Pickles, and she's being sent here by the Final Request Foundation. She's dying from a terrible sickness, and so we're going to make her stay as comfortable as possible tomorrow," Marco explained with sadness in his voice. "Another plague carrier is coming here!?" Murphy asked.

"What? No," Marco replied. "My god! We're all doomed!" Murphy exclaimed before he ran away, exiting the bridge. "Why does he keep doing that?" Commander Li asked in confusion. "He's Captain Murphy," Sparks said, as though that explanation said everything, which it technically did.

"So... this pizza party that you mentioned," Daria began, "Am I to assume that the pizza will be from a restaurant such as Pizza-Marine, or will it be a home-made type thing, or something from one of the commissaries?" "Um, a mixture of all of those, I suppose," Marco said thoughtfully. "Is the fact that we're having a pizza party the only thing that got your attention?" Commander DeMartino asked Daria with a small hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Well... the dying kid is, you know, sad. I just want to make sure that we'll have enough pizza to make me-I mean _her_ happy," Daria said. DeMartino narrowed his eyes and glowered at Daria. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, I honestly thought that you would have a little bit more compassion for your fellow human beings, especially when one of them is dying at such a young age," he said to her.

"Sorry," Daria said sheepishly. Commander Li coughed. "Um, out of curiosity, does anyone know if there are liability wavers that can be signed, just in case something were to happen to the girl while she is down here?" she asked. "I think we still have some wavers leftover from that Dethklok concert," Sparks said. "Ah, good," Li said with a smile. " _But_... they only relieve _Dethklok_ of responsibility for injuries or death, not Sealab. Have fun modifying the form," Sparks added with a smirk.

DeMartino frowned. "Are Lieutenant Commander Marquez and I the only people here who actually care about the well-being of this dying girl who is coming to visit us?" he asked with a tone of disgust in his voice. "Oh, I _do_ care!" Commander Li exclaimed. "Really?" DeMartino asked with a disbelieving tone. "Of course! Her well-being is essential to the reputation of Sealab and its officers, as well as any potential legal issues," Commander Li explained. "Why am I not surprised?" DeMartino asked himself with a frown.

Date: Thursday, March 12th, 2022

Daria and Commander DeMartino stood outside the airlock doors as they waited for their guest to appear. "Why am I always the one you have accompanying you for these things?" Daria asked Commander DeMartino. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, first impressions can be very important. They aren't always correct, but they are nonetheless important," DeMartino replied.

"So, having a sixteen year-old girl who has a cynical world-view greeting every VIP is somehow going to make a good first impression?" Daria asked him. "Daria, would you rather I have Stormy here with me?" DeMartino asked her. "No, but why not have Doctor Quinn here? He's easily the most intelligent person in Sealab," Daria replied.

Before DeMartino could reply, the airlock doors slid open and a little blonde girl in a wheelchair entered the entry hall. "Hello," she said with a cough. "I'm... Angelica Pickles," she said with a sad voice. Her hair was done up in pigtails, and she was wearing a child's version of the standard Sealab uniform.

"Hello, Miss Pickles," DeMartino said with a nod. "Hello," Daria said as she looked at the little girl. She seemed to be around nine or ten years old. Daria almost felt a twinge of sadness for the poor girl. "Why don't we take you to meet up with some of the children in the orphanage," Daria said as she opened the doors of a transport cart and pulled out a ramp.

Angelica wheeled herself up the ramp and into the back of the cart before Daria closed the door and hopped in the driver's seat. "Commander?" she asked DeMartino. "Oh, sure," he said as he walked over and got in the passenger seat of the cart.

Line Break

In a boat on the ocean's surface, a man with a mustache was getting his diving suit ready. "That little scam artist," he muttered to himself. The boat's captain walked over. "So, uh, the Final Request Foundation _is_ going to pay me for this service, right?" he asked the man. "Yeah, they'll pay you in full," he replied as he checked his oxygen tanks and diving apparatus.

"How long until we reach the spot?" Mustache asked the captain. "At least another two hours," he replied. "Plenty of time," Mustache said to himself. "No one gets a free ride from the Final Request Foundation. No one," he said.

"Unless they're actually dying, right?" the captain asked him. "Oh, don't worry," Mustache said to the captain. "She's _definitely_ gonna die," he said with a grin as he secured a knife to his waist band.

Line Break

"Angelica, this is Suzie Carmichael," Daria said as she introduced the two girls to each other. "H-Hello, Suzie," Angelica said with another cough. "Hello, Angelica," Suzie said. "Well, Suzie, would you like to join Angelica on her tour of Sealab today? There's going to be a pizza party later," Daria said. "Sure," Suzie replied with a grin.

"So, you're an orphan too?" Angelica asked Suzie. "Yeah. My whole family was killed on a camping trip. Someone had tied Bigfoot's toe hairs together, and he came into the camp, howling with rage as he tore everyone apart and crushed my parents and siblings with tent poles and all sorts of other things that I don't want to talk about," Suzie said sadly. "Aw, you can spend the rest of day with me, Suzie," Angelica said.

"Oh, Daria, thank you for doing this," Debbie Love said with a smile. "Um... you won't let any of the other orphans know about the pizza party, will you?" Daria asked. "Well, why wouldn't I?" Debbie asked her. "Because... then you'd have to bring Dolphin Boy there," Daria replied, thinking fast. "Oh my goodness, you're right. I'll keep a tight lip about it. Maybe I'll just bring them some leftovers instead," Debbie Love said.

"That sounds good," Daria said with a nod of her head. "Suzie, Angelica; let's go to the room where you'll be staying," Daria said as she got into the cart with them. "Okay, let's go," Daria said as she turned on the cart. Commander DeMartino was snoring in the passenger seat.

Line Break

" **The Great Pestilence is upon us!** " Captain Murphy shouted into a megaphone as he drove around in a cart. " **Prepare yourselves, for the end is nigh!** " "Captain, what are you doing?" Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn asked him as Murphy stopped the cart in front of him. "The disease carrier has arrived! We must make haste and secure our... uh, staying alive stuff!" Captain Murphy exclaimed.

"Captain, she's just a little girl who's dying from an incurable sickness. Don't you have a heart?" Debbie Dupree asked him. "I do, and I want to protect it from whatever germs that little monster is carrying with her!" Murphy snapped back. "You unbelievable bastard!" Debbie hissed at him.

"Hey, I'm your superior officer! You have to ask for permission to call me a bastard, and I'll tell you right now that I knew _both_ of my parents; the biological ones, not the adopted ones, Miss Dupree, or should I say... _Burton!_ Ah-ha ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!" Murphy retorted. "Permission to swear at you sir!" Debbie asked. "Permission granted," Murphy said.

"Go to hell, you cupcake loving asshole! I hope you die in a ditch filled with spiders and afterbirth!" Debbie shouted angrily. "Hmm, that was pretty good," Murphy said in an appreciative tone. "What?" Debbie asked him, confused. "You're really creative," he complimented her. Debbie stared at him slack-jawed as he drove off, once again shouting into the megaphone.

Line Break

"So, these are the quarters you'll be staying in?" Suzie asked Angelica as Daria left the room. "Yep, this is where I'll be staying during my painful days of terminal illness," Angelica said. Both girls were quiet for a few minutes, before they burst out laughing. "Oh my god, you really had me going there!" Suzie laughed.

"Did you see the looks on everyone's faces when they saw me and heard my sickly voice?" Angelica asked her with a laugh as she got out of her chair. "I can't believe they all fell for that!" Suzie cried out in laughter. "Say, Suzie, were you serious about the Bigfoot story?" Angelica asked her.

"Um, yeah, I was," Suzie said with a giggle. "Oh, that must've been horrible," Angelica said with a chuckle. "Oh, believe me, it was, but I've gotten used to having more freedom as a result," Suzie said with a slick smile. "So, you got transferred here after the old orphanage got destroyed, didn't you?" Angelica asked Suzie.

"Yep, although only a handful of the other orphans survived. The rest are all misfits from around the world, like that weird Dolphin Boy," Suzie replied. "So, what brings you to Sealab?" Suzie asked Angelica. "Well, I've been using the Final Request Foundation to hit just about every sweet spot on Earth for the past month or so," Angelica began.

"And, well, I think they're starting to catch on, so I've decided that maybe I can hide out here and fake my death so that they'll stop looking for me. All we have to do is get rid of one of the other orphans and I'll take their place, and then I'll sneak out on a cargo transport after a few months and go hide somewhere in the Bahamas, where I can use money from my Swiss bank accounts to live a life of luxury," Angelica finished.

"Where'd you get the money from?" Suzie asked her. "Oh, I hacked into the accounts of the Final Request Foundation and its associates. Would you like to come with me?" Angelica asked her. "We'd make a great team, Suzie," Angelica said. "I know, but if I disappear with you, then people might get suspicious and look into things. I'll wait until I'm old enough to leave on my own, and then I'll come find you," Suzie said.

"Hn, suit yourself," Angelica said. "Now, did I hear that there was supposed to be a pizza party this afternoon for me?" Angelica asked Suzie. "You sure did," Suzie replied. Soon, the door to the room opened, and Captain Murphy walked in, wearing a hazmat suit, followed by Daria.

"Alright, which one of you has the great plague?" Murphy asked. "The what?" Suzie asked him in confusion. "The plague! The black death! Which one of you is the child sent to destroy us!?" Murphy asked. "Are you looking for me?" Angelica asked him. "So, you're the one carrying the plague, eh?" Murphy asked her.

"Captain, she doesn't have the plague!" Daria insisted. "Yeah, and she's not even sick, or dying!" Suzie said. "Oops," she whispered with wide eyes. "Um, say that again," Daria demanded. "I'm not sick, and I'm not dying," Angelica revealed. Captain Murphy took off his helmet. "So, we aren't going to die," he said in relief.

"Does this mean... the pizza party is off?" Daria asked rhetorically. "Say, how about we take the kids on a fun little drive through the station?" Murphy suggested. "Captain, we should report them for committing fraud," Daria said. "But, if we report them, then there's no pizza party," Murphy said with a frown.

"Hmm, you have a good point," Daria said before turning to face the girls. "Okay, girls, you're going to come with us and do everything that we tell you to do," Daria said. "Oh come on, why should we?" Suzie asked. "Well, if that's how you want to be, then we can just report you for fraud and have you sent to jail or prison for scamming a charitable organization," Murphy replied with a smirk.

"I like your style," Daria said to him. "Thank you," Murphy replied. "So, girls, what'll it be?" Murphy asked them with a gleam in his eyes.

Line Break

"Aaahhh!" Angelica screamed as her wheelchair was dragged behind Captain Murphy's cart at full speed. "Wow, you can almost see genuine emotion on her face when she screams," Daria said with a smirk. "Slow this thing down!" Suzie cried out in terror. "Sorry, but only honest people get to make those kind of demands," Daria said.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!" Suzie kept screaming as Murphy raced through the halls and corridors of Sealab at the cart's top speed, driving past Stormy, causing him to drop his ice cream cone on the ground. Stormy then dropped to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably until he got up and walked away without a care in the world. The fallen ice cream cone then shed a tear for itself as Stormy left it behind, and the ghost of the cow whose milk was used in its creation before being sent off to a slaughterhouse rose from within and ascended into the heavens above, where a heavenly slaughterhouse awaited it.

Meanwhile, Captain Murphy kept driving, running over three mimes, one fruit stand, and hitting two elderly people. "Whoops, oh well, it's not like they had much time left anyway," Murphy said apologetically. "Um... we'll just keep that to ourselves," Daria said quietly.

Eventually, however, Murphy lost control of the cart and crashed into a wall. "Oh, my neck," he said as he got out of the vehicle. "I think we hit more than just the wall," Daria said as she pointed to the body under the cart. "Uh-oh, we hit Commander Li," Daria said.

"I think you mean, _the girls_ hit Commander Li with a stolen cart," Murphy said with a smirk. "I don't think we... oh, why not?" Daria said, giving in. She'd never liked Angela Li anyway. "So, I guess we need to find a way to dispose of the body, don't we?" Murphy asked Daria as he looked at Angelica, who was underneath her wheelchair.

"Hey, Miss Pickles, we have a job for you," Murphy said. "W-What kind of job?" Angelica asked him. "We need you to help us get rid of this body," Murphy said as he pointed to Angela Li's corpse. "Commander Li?" Suzie asked. "But, Captain Murphy, no one likes Commander Li! If you tell everyone that you killed her, then the whole station will treat you as a hero!" Suzie exclaimed.

"Hmm, she may have a point there," Daria said. "Possibly, but... yeah, okay," Murphy said in agreement. "So, while Daria and I go tell everyone about Miss Li's demise, you two can go run along until it's time for the party," Murphy said. "Thank you," Angelica said as she and Suzie walked away from the crash scene. "So, how should we spin the story?" Murphy asked Daria.

Line Break

"So, we're going diving?" Suzie asked Angelica. "Yes. We need to fake my death soon. I don't think I can stand another minute of being around that Murphy guy for much longer," Angelica replied as she prepared another air tank. "So, what's the plan?" Suzie asked her.

"Well, we're both going to go diving out there, and then you'll come back and tell everyone that I was eaten by some horrible animal or something. Meanwhile, I'll keep this second air tank out here with me so that I can hide and enter Sealab through another means. After that, I'll spend some time hiding until a cargo sub comes along. Then I'll hitch a ride to the surface and get myself some money from those bank accounts," Angelica said.

"Sounds like a plan," Suzie said before she finished attaching her gear. Both girls then sat with their backs facing the water before falling into the moon pool and swimming out towards a rocky area. The girls admired the marine life as they swam around, dazzled at the beauty of the ocean depths.

As they swam over to the side of a ridge, they saw another figure swimming towards them. "Hey, do you see that?" Suzie asked Angelica. Both girls hid as they saw the mustachioed man swimming around. "My god, that's Brock! He's the accountant from the Final Request Foundation!" Angelica gasped.

"He must've caught on to your plans," Suzie commented. "No doubt about it," Angelica said as they quietly swam around him. Brock soon saw the girls and readied his spear-gun. "All right, you little heathen. When you take a ride with the Final Request Foundation, it's your last!"

Brock aimed the spear-gun and fired. Angelica dodged the spear as it grazed her and hit the rocks behind her, causing an avalanche. Brock was caught off-guard by the rocks and was knocked over by them. "Are you okay?" Suzie asked Angelica. "Yeah, I'm fine, but where's that bastard?" Angelica replied as she scanned for Brock.

"Ah, there he is," she said with a grin as she swam over to the man. His leg was caught in the rocks. "Ah, Angelica, please, help me!" he pleaded. "Help you? Hmm, Suzie, do you think we should help him?" Angelica asked her. "Gee, I don't know,"Suzie replied. "Please, I promise to keep my mouth shut!" Brock pleaded.

"Wow, that sounds swell, Brock. Unfortunately, I don't think I can trust you," Angelica said with a smile as she swam over to a wall of rocks and pushed them over. "N-No! Nooo!" Brock cried as he was buried alive. "Well, that takes care of that little problem, doesn't it?" Angelica asked.

"Sure does," Suzie replied. "Oh, dear," Angelica said as she looked at her leg. "It would seem that I'm bleeding. I think there should be some gauze or something somewhere back in the moon pool. Instead of just hiding out under the water, I'll just-aaaaaccckk!" Angelica cried out as a shark bit down on her.

"Suzie, help me!" Angelica cried out as the shark dragged her away. "Let me think about that... nope," Suzie said with a smile. "Now, back to the safety of Sealab," Suzie said as she swam back over to where Brock had been buried. She began to remove the rocks from on top of him.

Line Break

"What!? You mean that she was... scamming us the whole time!?" Marco cried out. The entire cafeteria of Pod 01 had been filled with party decorations and pizza and drinks. "That's right," Brock said as he sat down at a table with a crutch by his side. "And now she's dead. Gobbled up by a big shark, no less," Suzie said. "Well, technically, she still died at a young age, right?" Daria asked.

"Yes, but not from a terminal illness," Brock replied. "So, should we just cancel the party?" Marco asked sadly. "Hell no! We can still celebrate Commander Li's death, can't we?" Murphy asked. "Hey, yeah, he's right!" Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah! We can still throw a party to celebrate the death of Commander Li!" Debbie Love exclaimed.

"Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" everyone began to shout joyously. "Here," Daria said as she brought a paper plate with a slice of pizza over to Brock. "Than you, young lady," Brock said in a genuinely thankful tone before he took a bite out of his pizza slice. "Hey, this is pretty good," he said after swallowing. "Where's this from?" he asked. "It's from Pizza-Marine," Daria replied before she walked over and grabbed a slice from one of the pizza boxes lining the tables.

Daria looked over and saw Jane eating a slice of pizza. "So, how does it feel to enjoy the perks of dating a crew member?" Daria asked her. "Feels good," Jane replied with a smile before she took another bite out of her pizza. "Tastes good too," she said. "Damn straight," Daria said with a smile.

Meanwhile, up in the heavens, ghostly spare ribs and steaks from the slaughtered cow spirit looked down at smiled upon the scene with heavenly delight. "Moo," the meats said. "Moo," said a New York strip in agreement with one of the T-Bone steaks. The ghostly meat smiled upon the party down on the Earth, for all was right with the world.

Until next time, anyway.

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

I... Have... Returned!

Rejoice, my readers, for more underwater goodness awaits you in the coming months. The next episode deals with Captain Murphy declaring Martian Law after a series of thefts throughout Sealab reach a critical point.


	2. Martian Law

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 030 [3-02]: Martian Law

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

 **On the previous episode of Lawndale 2021!**

Daria aimed her rifle at the helicopter and fired again while leaning against the driver's seat. "Jane, keep her steady!" Daria cried out as Jane maneuvered the jeep around a fallen log. "I'm trying, Daria! Just give me a minute to get us through the bush!" Jane cried out. Both girls were wearing military outfits, with a red bandanna on Jane's head, and Daria's hair in a ponytail. Jane looked up and saw a roadblock up ahead. "Daria, are you ready to jump on my signal!?" Jane asked as she sped up the jeep. "There, I can see Miss Balalaika just up ahead! We'll be back in Roanapour in no time!" Jane exclaimed.

The helicopter fired at them. "Come on motherfuckers! I ain't got all day!" Daria snarled as she hurled a grenade at the helicopter. The explosion caused the pilots to crash into a tree. "Yeah! Score one for the Gun-ho Cynics!" Jane cried out with a wicked smile. "So, how much were we getting paid for this again?" Jane asked Daria. "Uh... huh, I don't actually remember the amount," Daria said. "Shit."

* * *

 **Presently, on Lawndale 2021...**

Monday, March 16th, 2022

When Daria Morgendorffer entered the bridge of Sealab, she noticed that Captain Murphy was unusually irate. She listened to his ranting as she walked over to her station and grabbed her headset. Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn and Commander Anthony DeMartino were busy trying to calm him down.

"I'm telling you; someone stole it! Someone stole my favorite socks, and my favorite night-light, and even my favorite tennis shoes!" Murphy yelled. "Captain, we've all had things go missing recently," Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah, and yesterday, my favorite coffee mug went missing," Commander DeMartino said.

"I thought you broke it," Dr. Quinn said. "No, that was a different coffee mug," DeMartino countered. "Oh," Dr. Quinn said. "So? Your precious _coffee mug_ can be replaced, but the sanctity and security of Sealab is at risk, so long as this thief is still on the loose!" Murphy exclaimed.

Just then, Commander Angela Li entered the bridge. "Ah, Captain Murphy. I wanted to report that someone has recently stolen one of my newest acquisitions. Do you remember that high-voltage interrogation chair that I bought last month?" she asked.

"Wait, I thought you said that you won that thing in a raffle," Murphy said. "I, uh, of course! Yes, the interrogation chair that I won in a raffle. I most certainly did not appropriate the funds made from the Valentine's Day bake sale to purchase it," Angela Li said. "Liar," Daria muttered.

Angela narrowed her eyes at the girl. "Hmm, an electric chair has gone missing, and so are some of our most precious possessions. This can mean only one thing," Murphy said dramatically. "And what would that be?" Sparks asked as he turned around in his chair. "It means that our thief is a criminal mastermind who plans to lure us into a trap, one by one, and kill us in Commander Li's chair, thus allowing chaos to reign free in Sealab! During this chaos, the thief will have unlimited access to everyone's quarters, and will be able to steal whatever they want!" Murphy exclaimed.

"Captain, that's highly unlikely," Sparks said. "Besides, I already tried that once, and it didn't work," he added. Commanders DeMartino and Li both stared at Sparks as he resumed communicating with one of the research subs outside. "How exactly is my aunt attracted to you again?" Daria asked Sparks. "Hell if I know. Ask her yourself sometime," Sparks replied.

"I'll think about it," Daria said before receiving a call from the reactor room. " _Hey, Daria, this is Ruttheimer. We have a situation here in Engineering. Someone's stolen one of Hesh's pens, and now he's going mad searching for it. Can you send someone down here to get him under control? I've already tried, but he pulled rank on me,_ " Upchuck said.

"I'll see what I can do," Daria said. She switched over to another channel and Marco's face appeared on the screen. "Hey, Marco, this is Daria. Can you head down to the reactor room and get Hesh under control? Lieutenant Ruttheimer says that he's going crazy because his pen went missing," Darai said.

" _I would, but I received an urgent call from Captain Murphy to meet him up on the bridge as soon as I'm able to finish my rounds. I'll send someone from security to handle him, like Lieutenant Winters. She seems more than capable,_ " Marco replied.

"Sounds good," Daria replied, before switching back to the reactor room. "Ruttheimer, Marco is going to contact security and see if Lieutenant Winters can head down there," she said. " _Thank you! You don't know how-Hesh, I already told you, you're damn pen isn't in there!_ " Upchuck yelled as he saw Hesh opening something dangerous off-screen.

At that moment, the other set of doors slid open and Lieutenant Amy Barksdale and Lieutenant Commander Debbie Dupree entered the bridge, followed by Stormy. "Okay, Captain, we got your call. What's the situation?" Amy asked him. "Once Marco arrives, we can get down to-" The doors opened and Marco walked into the room. "Okay then. Let's get down to business," Murphy said.

"Now, as you are all aware, a vile thief has been plundering the various denizens of Sealab and destroying the sanctity of our humble abode! This atrocity cannot stand! We must take action!" Murphy announced. "Why, even now, those men and women who work in Engineering, keeping us alive, are not safe from the clutches of this monster who threatens our sweet and hip underwater crib, dawg," Murphy said before crossing his arms.

"Captain, please don't ever do that again," Daria requested. " _Hey, Sparks!_ " Lieutenant Commander Janet Barch shrieked over one of his terminals. " _I can't find my keys to the equipment locker! Do you know where the spares are located?_ " Barch asked him. "Uh, there should be a pair under one of the rugs or on a small ledge in an alcove nearby," Sparks replied.

" _Thanks,_ " Barch said before hanging up. " _My god_ , now the thief has access to the equipment lockers, and can use any tool at their disposal to make us tremble in fear!" Murphy gasped. "Uh, Captain, Barch only said that she couldn't find her keys, not that they were stolen," Sparks said.

"That's it! From this moment forward, I am hereby declaring... Martian Law!" Captain Murphy announced. "Um, I think you mean Martial Law," Daria said. "Martian Law is the enforcement of the ways of the red planet. I must now form a compadre of Martian Knights to uphold the law of the red planet, lest chaos reign supreme," Murphy said.

"Captain... what the hell is wrong with you?" Daria asked him. "Shut up, naysayer!" Murphy said as he pointed at Daria. "You will obey the crimson rules which now govern us and protect our sanctuary," Murphy declared.

"Captain, we're in Sealab, which is on _Earth_ ," Daria said. "She's right," Dr. Quinn pointed out. "And besides, it _is_ called Martial Law," he added. "Wait, what if Martial Law is the law declared by the Martial of Mars!?" Stormy asked. "Excellent observation!" Murphy said.

"I hereby dub thee... Sir Phobos!" Murphy said before he handed a baton to Stormy. "Hey, where did you get that from?" Amy asked him. "Behold the power of Mars!" Murphy said in a grand gesture. "I feel the power," Stormy said as he shuddered.

"This is getting ridiculous," Amy said. "What is my first task?" Stormy asked Murphy. "Come on, guys, just let Commander Li here head an investigation or something," Amy said. "I must concur," Commander Li said. "This current behavior displayed by yourself and Lieutenant Waters is completely unacceptable," Angela said.

Murphy scowled. "You want to disband us, do you?" Murphy asked her with a dangerous edge to his voice. "I do. What you are proposing will result in brutal chaos. I want order. Order! And this is not-hey, stop tha-aaah!" Angela screamed as Murphy and Stormy began attacking her with batons.

"Captain, stop this!" Amy cried as she grabbed his arm. Murphy swung Amy away from him as he and Stormy continued their assault. "My glasses!" Angela cried. "Marco, do something!" Dr. Quinn yelled. "Okay," Marco said as he grabbed Stormy and lifted him into the air. "Hey, I'm flying!" Stormy exclaimed. "The true mark of a Martian Knight!" Murphy proclaimed in awe. "He's not flying! Marco's just holding him in the air," Daria said.

"Oh. I knew that," Murphy said with a frown. "Hey, Captain, you got any more of those batons?" DeMartino asked with a grin. "Sure! I hereby dub thee Sir Kartos!" Murphy replied as he handed a baton to DeMartino. "Oh, you cannot be serious!" Daria exclaimed as she stood up and walked over to the group.

"I need medical attention," Angela said just before Daria stepped on her. "Commander DeMartino, I thought you held yourself to higher principles," Daria said. "Well... I get to wail on Angela," he replied. "And when you're done with that?" Daria asked him. "Uh... huh. I had given any thought to that," DeMartino replied.

"Can someone please help me?" Angela asked. "Shut up," DeMartino said as he smacked her with the baton. "Captain, this is insane. All of you are insane!" Debbie yelled as she began walking away. "Not so fast! Sir Dios! Launch Sir Phobos at the thief's accomplice!" Murphy ordered. "Who?" Marco asked. "You! You are Sir Dios!" Murphy declared. "Oh, cool!" Marco said before throwing Stormy at Debbie.

"Aaahhh!" Debbie cried as Stormy knocked her over. "I can fly!" Stormy exclaimed. "No, you can't!" Daria yelled at him. "Shut up!" Murphy yelled at Daria. "Okay, Jodene, call for help!" Amy called out to Sparks. "Got it!" Sparks said. "Come in, this is the bridge. Come in Captain Shanks, we need-aaahhhh! My hands!" Sparks cried as Marco crushed his fingers with his baton. "Oh my god, my hands!" Sparks cried out in pain.

"Jodene!" Amy cried out. She rushed over and hit Marco with an uppercut. "Oh, my hand!" she cried. "Jeez, your chin is like a rock!" "Yeah, I know," Marco said with a smile. "Dammit, I need both hands to do my job properly," Amy hissed. "My hands," Sparks sobbed.

Daria shook her head at the scene before her. She very slowly began backing away from the group. " _Uh, hello?_ " Captain Shanks asked over Sparks' console. " _Is everything okay up there? Hello? Hey, what's going on in there?_ " Shanks asked. "Nothing is wrong!" Murphy declared as he walked over. "By the way, what time is it?" Murphy asked.

" _Uh, it's five thirty pm,_ " Shanks replied. "Okay. Good. Now, begone!" Murphy exclaimed as he ended the call. "No!" Amy cried out. Daria was almost to the door when she tripped over Debbie's body. "Ouch," Debbie muttered. Everyone turned to look at Daria. The group started to advance on her. "Commander DeMartino, please! Stop this!" Daria pleaded.

"Hmm, maybe we _are_ going a bit too far," DeMartino suggested. "Nonsense. We aren't going too far enough!" Murphy declared. Murphy and Marco grabbed Daria's legs. "Hold her still!" Murphy said as Daria kicked at him. "That's it!" Marco said as he snapped Daria's leg with his bare hands.

"Holy _**FUCK!**_ " Daria cried out in pain. "Daria!" Amy cried out. "I-I need to see a doctor! Oh, god, I need a fucking doctor!" Daria gasped out in pain. "Doctors and other such wizards are _forbidden_ under Martian Law!" Murphy declared. "Uh... uh-oh," Dr. Quinn said with a gulp. "Dr. Quinn, help!" Daria cried out. "Hey, she can still use her arms! Break one!" Stormy yelled. "No!" Daria cried ad Marco twisted one of her arms.

"Daria!" Amy cried out as she ran over to the group. She tripped over Angela's body. "Ugh," Angela muttered before passing out. "Hmm. Sir Dios, tie her and Sparks up," Murphy ordered Marco. "Yes Sir!" Marco said. "Sir Kartos, why are you not doing anything?" Murphy asked DeMartino. "I... I don't know. Something about this just feels wrong," he said. "Hmm... unreliable, I see," Murphy said with a frown.

"Commander DeMartino, put a stop to this!" Dr. Quinn said as he tried helping Debbie up off the ground. "Uh... I'm kind of busy having an internal debate right now. Can it wait?" DeMartino replied. "Sweet Raptor Jesus! What the hell is wrong with all of you!?" Dr. Quinn cried out, just as Marco came around and knocked him out.

"Dr. Quinn!" Daria cried. She then looked over at Sparks and Amy, who were tied up facing each other, with Amy's legs wrapped around Sparks. Daria looked away. "Captain, please, listen to reason!" Daria begged. "SILENCE!" Murphy exclaimed. Everyone turned to look at him. "We must now begin the ancient ritual which affirms our knighthood and power," Murphy said.

He bent his knees and produced a squeak. He then repeated this multiple times, and also placing a hand under his armpit and making fart noises. He also began making weird animal noises as well. Marco, Stormy, and DeMartino proceeded to follow his lead for the next ninety minutes, non-stop.

 _Please, I'd rather teach Beavis and Butthead how to change a tire again than be here right now_ , Daria thought to herself as tears streaked down her face. Soon, the noise stopped, and Murphy held a hand up in the air. "It is time. We must now carry an offering to the Martian gods. I suggest we use Daria," Murphy said.

"No! No! No, please stop!" Daria cried out as Marco broke her other leg and forced her to sit in a wheelchair that he had retrieved from a closet. "Now, it is time," Murphy said with a smile as he looked at a clock on the wall next to the giant TV. Daria began to sob.

Line Break

The cafeteria was dark. It was quiet. It was also a place where people ate food. It was also a word that began with the letter "C." Today's episode has been brought you by the letter C, which rhymes with sea, under which is the location of our story.

After the doors to the cafeteria slid open, Marco wheeled Daria inside. He kept her in one place, just for a minute, as Daria heard a series of whispers in the dark. _Not like this! Please, not like this_ , she thought with a whimper.

"Ready?" Marco asked. There was a whisper, and then he flicked the light switch, "SURPRISE!" everyone shouted at Daria. Balloons lifted into the air, streamers... streamed, and confetti was waved around. "Happy Birthday, Daria!" everyone shouted with a smile. Daria stared at the large crowd in shock.

Jane and Tom stepped forward, holding a big cake in their hands. "Congratulations, you're seventeen years old!" Tom said with a smile. Daria looked up at him and then at the cake.

"Since you're older than us, do you want to do some role-playing tonight?" Jane asked with a grin. Daria's left eye began to twitch. "Happy birthday, Daria!" Quinn and Stacy exclaimed with smiles as they both blew confetti at Daria. "Happy birthday," Amy and Sparks said as they walked into the room.

"A-Amy?" Daria asked as she craned her neck to see the two of them. "This... is all a surprise party... for me?" Daria asked in confusion. "Yeah!" Sparks said as he raised his broken hands up. "See, broken hands! Get it? Get it!?" he asked with a laugh. "Get it! Now he _has_ to use his mouth until his hands heal," Amy said with a smirk.

Daria turned away and looked around the room, seeing DeMartino sipping a soda. Commander Li was hobbling around on a crutch, with a spare set of glasses on her face as she tried to drink some punch. Lieutenant Sasha Winters was talking to Hesh and Upchuck, before Upchuck purred at her. Sasha dumped some punch on his head.

"Grr, feisty!" Upchuck said with a devilish grin. "Ha! You got punch on your head!" Hesh mocked him. "Yeah, well you have punch in your face," Upchuck said before slamming a fist into Hesh's face. "Ow! Hesh did not expect that!" Hesh cried.

Daria sighed and shook her head as she saw Dr. Quinn kneel down next to her. "Hey, kiddo, how's it goin'?" he asked her. "The cheer of the party does not offset the ache in my body," Daria replied. "I know the feeling. They actually did something like this for me once, too. Of course, being a cyborg, my body didn't really suffer all that much damage. Sorry about yours," Dr. Quinn said.

"Assholes," Daria said. "Let me guess," Dr. Quinn said. "It isn't your birthday," he finished. Daria nodded her head. "Nope. It's not even close," Daria replied. "Yeah, just wait till they do this for your sister or your aunt," Dr. Quinn said. "Just wait till I tell my _lawyer_ mother about it," Daria said with a smirk. Dr. Quinn's eyes bulged. "Oh... _shit._ "

"Don't worry. They didn't paralyze me, so I'll just hold it over their heads until they get me something nice as an apology," Daria said. "Hey, as a gift, here's a fifty dollar discount card for Pizza-Marine," Dr. Quinn said as he handed a card to Daria. "Thanks," she said with a smile.

"Hey, Daria, check out this present that _Hesh_ got you!" Hesh exclaimed as he held out a big box and set it in Daria's lap. "What is it?" Daria asked as Hesh opened the box. Upchuck adopted a look of horror on his face as he peered into the box.

"It's the coolant regulator module for the main reactor!" Hesh said proudly. Daria stared at Hesh, dumbfounded. Upchuck also stared at him, jaw dropped. "I stand corrected," Daria said. "Kevin Thompson is _not_ the dumbest living thing in Sealab," she finished. Captain Murphy walked over and looked down. "Hey, what's in the box?"

Five minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

Yes, they are all sociopaths, assholes, and idiots, aren't they? Well, that was the second episode of Lawndale 2021 Season 03! Next episode will deal with the arrival of a disgusting human/shark hybrid, courtesy of Marco's untamed libido.


	3. Everybody Hates Sharko

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 031 [3-03]: Everybody Hates Sharko

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Wednesday, March 18th, 2022

In the bridge of Sealab, Daria Morgendorffer slept peacefully at her post while Jodene Sparks played Mahjong on one of his communication consoles. Sparks glanced over at Daria and frowned. "Hey... slacking off is _my_ job," he said to himself. He turned on another console to watch some TV. " _Paul, you is warwelf!_ " Sparks snickered. "Ah, I always did love this show," he said with a grin.

"I wonder if _I_ should shoot someone into an orbital satellite and monitor their mind? Nah, that would take too many resources away from my secret base," he mused. Just then, one of the bridge doors opened and Marco walked in. "Hey Marco," Sparks said. "Hey, Sparks, I've got some exciting news!" Marco exclaimed.

"You won a wrestling match with a gorilla?" Daria asked, surprising Sparks and Marco. "Daria? I thought you were sleeping," Sparks said. "I just woke up," Daria replied. "So, what's this exciting news?" Sparks asked Marco. "My son is visiting Sealab," Marco said proudly.

"Um... you have a son?" Daria asked him. "Yep!" Marco replied with a smile. "He's a bit shy, and I would really appreciate it if you guys would be supportive of him when he arrives and tries to fit in," Marco said. "Um, sure," Daria replied. "Great! he should be arriving within the hour. I'll be down in the moon pool, waiting for him," Marco said before he turned around and left the bridge.

"The moon pool? Does he expect someone to escort his son all the way there instead of just greeting him at the airlock? What a douche," Sparks said. "Yeah," Daria said in agreement. " _And now time for Chopper Dave!_ " "Chopper Dave?" Daria asked Sparks. "Yeah. See, he flies a helicopter to stop crime, but by night, he becomes... a werewolf," Sparks said. Daria blinked at him. "Say what?"

Line Break

Daria and Commander DeMartino stood outside of the airlock, waiting for the arrival of Marco's son. "So... who's your favorite student in your classes?" Daria asked him out of boredom. "Huh?" DeMartino asked her. "Who's your favorite student?" Daria asked him again. "Why do you wish to know?" he asked her. "Just curious," Daria replied.

"Well, I do not play favorites, but the least aggravating students are-" " **Commander Anthony DeMartino and Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the Moon Pool A-02. Thank you,** " Sparks' voice boomed over the intercom. "I'd better not hear any complaints when we aren't here to greet Marco's son," DeMartino grumbled as he and Daria entered a transport cart.

Line Break

In the moon pool, several people were standing around, looking at Marco as someone stood behind him, obscured from their view. Daria and DeMartino entered the room and saw Elsie Sloane, Commander Angela Li, Captain Murphy, Lieutenant Junior Grade Charles Ruttheimer III, Lieutenant Hesh, Lieutenant Derek "Stormy" Waters, Lieutenant Sasha Winters, Lieutenant Tommy Sherman, Lieutenant Commander Debbie Dupree, Lieutenant Commander Quentin Q. Quinn, and Captain Bellerophon Shanks. "So, what's the occasion?" Daria asked.

"Everybody, I'd like you all to meet... my son, Sharko," Marco said as he stepped to the side to reveal a shark with human limbs standing in front of the moon pool. He raised a hand and waved shyly at everyone. "Hi. I'm Sharko. Nice to meet you," he said with a toothy grin. Everyone's eyes widened as they took a step back and hesitantly waved back.

"Aw, see? They're already warming up to you," Marco said. Daria's left eye twitched. _Did... did he fuck a shark!?_ _My god... look at those rippling muscles_ , Elsie Sloane thought to herself. _Abomination! It must be destroyed... when no one is looking_ , Angela Li thought to herself.

 _I've finally lost my goddamn mind_ , Anthony DeMartino thought to himself. "Uh... okay," Debbie Dupree said in shock. _My god... a human_ _ **and**_ _a shark_ , Dr. Quinn thought to himself. _Shark! Shark! Shark! I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away_ , Shinji Ikari Tommy Sherman thought to himself.

 _Holy crap! Marco knocked up a shark_ , Stormy thought to himself in shock. _Well, now I've seen everything_ , Sasha Winters thought to herself. "Am I still asleep?" Upchuck asked himself quietly. "Damn, Hesh knew that you played the court, but Hesh didn't realize how much of it!" Hesh exclaimed. "So... why is he wearing a shark costume?" Murphy asked.

"It's not a costume," Marco replied. "Very funny, Marco," Murphy said with a chuckle. "I'm being serious. My son is half human and half shark," Marco said. "You mean... you actually fucked a shark!?" Daria asked in disbelief. "Hey, watch your fucking language!" Murphy reprimanded her. "Yeah! Watch your gorram mouth!" Stormy said.

"Or... was it a genetic experiment?" Sasha Winters asked him. "No, I fell in love with a shark and made a beautiful child with her," Marco replied with a smile. "And people call me perverted," Upchuck whispered to himself. "Um... that shouldn't be possible," Dr. Quinn said. "Oh, but it is! You can see him for yourself, right here!" Marco retorted.

"Hi," Sharko said once again. "Good lord, man! Why would you do that with a shark!?" Murphy asked him. "It all began when I was lost out at sea..."

 **Two hours later...**

"And then she ate the doctor right in front of me and Sharko. Happiest moment of her life," Marco said. "I think I'm gonna throw up," Upchuck said. "That... that was horrible," Daria said. "Yeah! Especially the graphic sex scene that you described between you and the shark!" Sasha Winters said with her face scrunched up in disgust.

Elsie Sloane wiped a tear away from her face. " _ **That... that was beautiful,**_ " she said. " _ **I need to go change my panties, though,**_ " she said before jumping up and climbing into an air vent. "Marco... never tell us that story again. Ever," DeMartino said firmly.

"Well, I'm needed back in engineering, as are Hesh and Ruttheimer. Come on, you two! Let's hustle!" Marco said as he led the two younger males out of the room. "Well, I guess we should get you registered as a crew member or a resident or something," Murphy said.

Line Break

Sharko stood inside of a large office with hand print scanners and other equipment commonly found at the DMV. "Okay, please place your right hand on the scanner. Lay it flatly against the screen," Daria said flatly. "Why am I doing this?" she asked Commander DeMartino. "Your tone of voice sounds the most like an office drone, so it makes the whole process seem more... uh, _normal_ ," he said.

"Oh, lucky me," Daria snarked. Sharko placed his right hand on the scanner, and a blue light passed underneath it several times. A light on the machine glowed green with a beep. "Okay, cycle complete," Daria said. "Cool," Sharko said.

"Please follow me to the next station," Daria said as she led Sharko over to the next station where he was required to try on a uniform. "Okay. Please step onto the scale and we will record your weight and the machine here will scan your body for an appropriate uniform size," Daria said. "Okay," Sharko said before stepping onto the scale. From the corner of the room, a security camera followed Sharko's movements.

Line Break

"He's moving towards her!" Commander Li said as sweat poured down her face. Her fingers hovered over a large red alarm button as Sharko walked onto the scale. "He was just... stepping on the scale. He must be onto me! He's intentionally behaving himself to make me seem crazy, isn't he!?" Li shrieked. "Um, Commander?" Lieutenant Winters asked as she stood in the doorway of Angela Li's office.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" Li asked her as one of her eyes twitched. "Um... it's nothing. I'll come back later," Sasha said before turning around. Li's left eye continued to twitch, before she returned her gaze to her wall of security monitors. "[Gasp!] Mr. Van Driessen and Ms. Defoe are walking in the hallway together and talking! Those free-thinking liberal artists might be plotting something against me!" Li said frantically as she turned up the volume to listen in on them.

" _-at seven tomorrow?_ " David Van Driessen asked. " _Sure. I'll bring the condoms,_ " Claire Defoe replied. "Oh, they're just planning to have sex. _BUT_ , they might still plot something against me... **WHILE DOING THE NASTY!** I'll have to plant spy bugs in their quarters later tonight," Angela said to herself.

Angela turned her head and saw Tommy Sherman standing in the doorway. "Never mind! Tommy Sherman will come back later," he said as he turned around and quickly walked away, leaving Commander Li alone. Angela once again returned her attention to the monitors.

Line Break

"Hello," Daria said as she stepped into the cafeteria with Sharko. Several crew members looked up and stared. "This is Lieutenant Commander Marquez's son, Sharko," Daria said flatly. "Hi," Sharko said as he waved at everyone. A few crew members waved their hands in return. "I'm Sharko," Sharko said before flashing a big smile, revealing his teeth. The cafeteria was emptied in record time, with only a handful of people still sitting down, eating their food.

" **Attention. Would Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer and Sharko please report to my office in Pod Twenty-Eight? Thank you** ," Shanks said over the intercom. Daria and Sharko sighed and left the cafeteria. As they grabbed a transport cart, Elsie Sloane dropped down from a vent and into Sharko's lap.

" _ **Hi there, big boy,**_ " Elsie said as she drew her arms around him. "Um... hello," Sharko said. " _ **So, where are ya heading?**_ " Elsie asked them. "We're going to see Captain Shanks," Daria replied. " _ **Mind if I tag along?**_ " Elsie asked Daria seductively. "Well... I would rather get there sooner than later," Daria said reluctantly.

" _ **Okay. Say, Sharko, want to come over to my place tonight?**_ " Elsie asked him. "Um... I don't know if that would be such a good idea," Sharko said. " _ **Aw... well, what about you, Daria? Will I be seeing you and Jane tonight?**_ " Elsie asked her. "Um... maybe just me. I think Tom and Jane are going to Grizzlebee's tonight. Mystic Spiral is performing," Daria said.

" _ **Aw, but they suck!**_ " Elsie pouted. "I know, but Jane said that if _she_ has to suffer, then so does one of us as well," Daria replied. " _ **Fine. I guess it'll just be the two of us tonight,**_ " Elsie said. "Don't worry, I'll be there," Daria said before Elsie hopped out of the cart and jumped back into the vent.

Sharko stared up at the vent and back at Daria in confusion. "Um... what just happened, and what was that thing on her face?" he asked Daria. Daria just shrugged her shoulders before starting the engine of the cart.

Line Break

"You wanted to see us, Captain Shanks?" Daria asked. "Um, yes. I just... wanted to give Sharko a welcoming gift," Shanks said as he handed a box to Sharko. Sharko opened the box and took out an orange parka. "Ooh... what is it?" Sharko asked. "It's a parka. It's to... help keep you warm whenever the heating system resets itself," Shanks lied.

"Thanks!" Sharko said as he put on the parka. "Why don't you go walk around in it for a bit, and wear the hood too, just to see if it stays on while you traverse that completely nondescript and absurdly spacious hallway over there," Shanks suggested with a smile.

"Okay! Doo-do-doo!" Sharko replied before taking a walk down a really spacious hallway. "There he is!" someone shouted as they opened fire at him. A giant octopus entered the hallway and attacked, only for a saltwater crocodile to attack it. A car crashed into the side of the wall, and a swarm of rats ran towards Sharko, all of which missed their target.

"Dammit! It only works on that one kid, doesn't it!?" Shanks exclaimed in dismay. "What one kid?" Daria asked him. "Oh, I borrowed that parka from some kid in Colorado before I came here. I actually forgot that I still had it until yesterday," Shanks replied. "Yeah, but what kid?" Daria asked him. "Oh, that's not important right now," Shanks said dismissively.

Line Break

"So, how was your day so far, son?" Marco asked Sharko as he entered his quarters. "It was nice, although... I don't think that very many people like me or trust me," Sharko replied. "Oh? Well, they're probably just jealous of your amazing physique! After all, you _are_ my son!" Marco exclaimed.

"No, I don't think that's it," Sharko said thoughtfully. "Hmm, are you sure?" Marco asked him. "Yeah, I'm sure," Sharko replied. "Well, don't feel down about it. Tomorrow, how about we visit the orphans and show everyone what a great guy you are," Marco suggested. "I don't know. Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Sharko asked him. "Sure!" Marco replied.

Date: Thursday, March 19th, 2022

"Attention, Class," David Van Driessen said. "We have a visitor today. I would like all of you to say hello to Sharko." The door to Mr. Van Driessen's class room opened and Sharko stepped inside. "Hi, I'm Sharko," he said with a cautious wave. Most of the class just stared at him in bewilderment.

"Um... he-hello," Jodie Landon said as she slowly stood up and walked over to Sharko, extended a hand out. Sharko gripped her hand gently and returned the handshake. "I am Jodie Landon, the student body president," she said. "And we would... _all_ like to welcome you to our classroom," Jodie continued as she turned and gave a stern look at her fellow classmates.

Mack nodded his head and smiled at Sharko, as did Brittany Taylor. Kevin Thompson stared at Sharko, tilting his head in confusion, much like a dog. "Why are you wearing that costume?" Kevin asked. "What costume?" Sharko replied. "You know... the shark costume," Kevin explained.

"It... it's not a costume," Sharko replied. Understanding finally dawned on Kevin. "Oh... aaaaaaaaahhhhh!" he screamed in terror. "Mr. Thompson, please control yourself. Just because he has saw-like teeth capable of tearing your flesh from your bone doesn't mean that you should be afraid of him," Mr. Van Driessen said.

"Aaaaaaahhhh-oh, okay," Kevin said as he calmed down. "Now, I think that this would be a great opportunity to discuss how people often judge things and other people based on pre-conceived notions and appearances," Mr. Van Driessen said.

Jane leaned over to Daria and whispered. "Is this... real?" Jane asked. "Yes, Jane, this is real. Marco did indeed procreate with a shark... somehow," Daria replied. "Whoa," Jane whispered in surprise.

Line Break

After school...

"Hey, Son! Ready to go see the orphans?" Marco asked Sharko. "Um... sure," Sharko said without much enthusiasm. "That's the spirit!" Marco said, not noticing Sharko's somber mood. "Say, Daria, would you and Jane, like to accompany us?" Marco said as he noticed Jane kissing Daria. "Huh? Uh, sure," Daria said.

"Alright! Come on, let's go!" Marco exclaimed as he led the group over to a transport cart. Marco and Jane sat in the front, while Sharko and Daria sat in the back. "Hi, Daria," Sharko said shyly. "Hello, Sharko. You're really not into this, are you?" she asked him. "No. I don't think anybody likes me," he said.

"Well, they... haven't gotten a chance to... um, uh... know you, I guess. Many of them also do not have a history of pleasant experiences with sharks," Daria said. "I see. Do any of the orphans have problems with sharks?" Sharko asked.

"Well, one of them saw her friend get eaten by a shark, but her friend was also scamming a charitable organization, so I don't think she was all that upset by it," Daria replied. "Huh, really?" Sharko asked her. "I don't know. But I do know that her family was killed by Bigfoot, so she might not care too much about you being part shark," Daria said.

Line Break

"They're going to see the orphans!" Angela Li exclaimed. "On one hand, if he eats the orphans, that means we have more budget available. On the other hand, it might be seen as my fault for not preventing it!" Angela held her head in her hands in dismay. "Wait, I know! I'll let him eat two or three of them, and then I'll kill him to save the rest. That way, we still save some money, _and_ I won't get blamed for anything! It's brilliant!" Angela exclaimed.

Line Break

Debbie Love looked at the various children in front of her. "Okay, kids, we have a special visitor today," Debbie said. "Are we getting parents?" little Camilla Benson asked sweetly. "Goodness, no!" Debbie said with a laugh. "Thinking that you might be getting parents! Ha-ha! Oh, that was just rich," Debbie said as she doubled over before calming down.

The orphans all stared at her with frowns on their faces. "So, anyway, our guests will be arriving shortly," Debbie said as she took a deep breath and composed herself. There was a loud ding. "Oh, I guess they're here," she said as she walked away from the orphans, who all continued glaring at her. " _Bitch,_ " one of them whispered.

Line Break

Angela Li drove through the halls of Sealab in a transport cart, her pistol in its holster. "Ha-ha! Angela Li to the rescue!" she said with a grin.

Line Break

"Hi, my name is Sharko," Sharko said to the orphans. "Do your teeth constantly replace themselves like a normal shark's teeth?" Donovan Small asked him. "Actually... yes, they do," Sharko replied. "Wow," the orphans said in unison. "Chirp! Chirp!" Dolphin Boy chirped. Deep inside, Sharko felt something viscious and primal begin to stir.

"Um... w-what's _your_ name?" Sharko asked Dolphin Boy. "Oh, that's Dolphin Boy," Debbie said with disgust in her voice. "Uh... I see," Sharko said nervously. _Dolphin... dolphin... food... food... now batting, Mike Piazza... food... food... eat... eat... eat..._

As Dolphin Boy made his way over to Sharko, he accidentally cut himself on the edge of a desk. "Eee-eee!" he chirped. The faint scent of blood began to make Sharko sweat and his heart began to pound in his rib-cage. _Food... food... eat... eat... eat..._

"Hey, Sharko, are you all right?" Jane asked as she saw his eyes begin to change into pure white. She looked over and saw Dolphin Boy nursing his cut. "Uh... maybe we should get Sharko out of the room while-oh my god!" Jane cried as Sharko lunged at Dolphin Boy. He missed and hit his head on a table, three feet from Dolphin Boy.

"Son!" Marco cried out. Just then, Angela Li burst into the room. "Never fear, for I have arrived to slay the savage beast!" she announced. "What!?" Marco asked her in horror at her declaration. "Move aside," Angela said as she brought out her pistol. "Die, beast!" she cried out.

She squeezed the trigger and only heard an empty click. "What the-?" she asked. She looked at saw that she hadn't even inserted a clip into the pistol. "Uh-oh," she said as Sharko got up. "You monster! You just tried to kill my son!" Marco roared with rage at her. "B-But, he's a beast!" Angela cried out. "An abomination! He must be destroyed!" she retorted.

Sharko glared at her. "Hey, Sharko!" Daria and Jane said, "Angela just tried to kill you! She's also part seal!" Sharko lunged forward and soon the room was covered in blood as Sharko devoured Angela Li.

Everyone watched the gruesome scene with a smile on their face. "Justice is served," Marco said before some blood splashed onto him. "He's just like his old man! He shares my love of killing!" Marco said proudly. Daria and Jane backed away slowly.

After Sharko finished eating Angela Li, the orphans all walked over and clapped and cheered for him. "Yay!" "Hooray!" "You da shark!" one of them said in a gruff and un-childlike voice. "Aw, thanks guys!" Sharko said as he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

Dolphin Boy walked over to him and chirped in approval, before Sharko grabbed him and gobbled him up. Now the cheers were even louder. Sharko looked around at all of the children who were smiling and clapping at him. "You like me! You really like me!"

" _ **Oh, definitely,**_ " Elsie Sloane said as she dropped down from a vent and coyly put her arms around Sharko. " _ **What do you say we celebrate?**_ " Elsie asked him. "Uh... sure," Sharko replied. " _ **Just make sure to wash the blood out of your mouth. I'm into a lot of things, but blood isn't among them,**_ " Elsie said.

"Yeah, way to go, son!" Marco said in congratulations. Sharko smiled once more.

Date: Friday, March 20th, 2022

Sharko looked back at the crowd of people who were waving at him as he walked over to the moon pool. "Thanks for the wonderful time, guys, but I need to get going. I'll call you sometime, okay, Dad?" Sharko said. Marco wiped a tear from his eye and smiled at his son. "Of course, Sharko. Of course," he said with a smile.

Elsie Sloane smiled and waved at him. " _ **I'll see you again one day, my aquatic love,**_ " she said. Daria and Jane both looked at her. "Um... what about us?" they asked her in unison. " _ **He has a special something that... I just really, really like,**_ " Elsie said.

"Good bye! Good bye! Good bye!" everyone called out as Sharko jumped into the moon pool and swam away, back to to his home in the deep blue sea. "Will we ever see him again?" Debbie Dupree asked. "Maybe... maybe," Captain Murphy said.

"Um... you guys do realize that he _ate_ two people, right?" Commander DeMartino asked the crowd. "Yeah, but nobody liked those two people," Jane replied. "Oh... okay," DeMartino said with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

And that was episode 03 of Lawndale 2021 Season 03. For those of you who have been following this series closely, I have a very special treat for you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you most of all, Tin Man. But not _you_ , Cowardly Lion. You need to grow a _spine_ before you can hope to handle the awesomeness that I plan to unleash.

Coming this summer to PPMB... and maybe FFN...

 **In the year 2022...**

"Grocery stores and supermarkets all over the world are reporting a massive overnight theft of pudding and other tasty snacks!" A news reporter says into a camera.

 **When the unspeakable happens...**

"My god! Who would do such a thing!?" Debbie Dupree asks in shock. Captain Murphy looks at the screen and furrows his brows in contemplation.

 **The most** _ **competent**_ **people in the world...**

Stormy tries balancing a football on his head, only to be tackled by Kevin and Mack.

Dr. Quinn accidentally drops a test tube and smoke begins rising from the floor. "Uh-oh."

Daria and Jane walk through a hallway, until Jane slips and falls over.

Commander DeMartino stubs his toe and holds his foot in pain.

Sparks reaches for a button on his console and accidentally spills his coffee. "Aw dammit," he says with a frown.

 **Must save the day...**

Captain Murphy stands up proud as someone spills a soda on him. "Today, we fight for JUSTICE AND SNACKS!" "My hero!" Marco exclaims as he clasps his hands together.

 **From evil.**

A man with a Snidely Whiplash mustache sits in a chair, petting a robot chicken. "Soon, the world will be mine! And everyone will eat what _I_ tell them to eat! Ah-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!" he exclaims madly as he raises a fist into the air. The chicken boks in agreement.

 **CAN**

Amy and Sparks run through a hallway, serious expressions on their faces.

 **YOU**

Daria fires a gun at some masked bad guys on a rocky beach, who then return fire as she hides behind some tall rocks.

 **TAKE**

Captain Murphy kisses a woman in a wedding outfit... whose face is a large cupcake.

 **THE**

Cyborg tigers that shoot frickin' lasers out of their heads chase Daria, Jane, Tom, and Elsie through a corridor. Elsie pulls the pin of a grenade and throws it back at the cyborg tigers.

 **HEAT?**

Various things explode for no apparent reason. A car in a drive way explodes. A baby stroller in a grocery store explodes. A microwave explodes. A tree explodes. A bomb explodes after a Spartan with orange armor runs onto a round pedestal. A horse-drawn carriage explodes. A baby drinking a sippy cup while sitting in an elderly woman's lap in an airplane explodes! An explodey thing explodes and sends a fireball chasing Daria and Jane through a hallway! Michael Bay smiles and opens his vest to reveal a dozens bombs strapped to his body as he stands in a room filled with kerosene and dynamite before he explodes! **Boom! Blurrrrgggh! Byyoooosshsh! Fwap! Bam! Kaboom!** Explodey noises galore!

Starring...

Daria Morgendorffer. "Why must nothing make sense in my life?"

Jane Lane. "Is there time for pizza?"

Captain Hazel "Hank" Murphy. "The world would be a sad place without pudding."

Anthony DeMartino. "Why would ANYONE do something so COMPLETELY STUPID!?"

Amy Barksdale. "I don't believe it! That bastard _stole_ my idea!"

Jodene Sparks. "Hey, you guys wanna see something really neat?"

Angela Li. "You are completely out of line!"

Tommy Sherman. "Maybe there's a bowl of pudding inside all of us."

Bellerophon Shanks. "Yeehaw! Let's save the world and avoid payin' taxes for it!"

Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III. "How could someone physically steal _all_ of the world's snacks in just one night?"

Marco Marquez. "I love blood and violence!"

Quinn Morgendorffer. "Yay! I get to be part of something!"

Stacey Rowe. "This is so cool!"

Elsie Sloane. "Get away from me, you **bitch!** "

Tom Sloane. "Where did everyone go?"

Debbie Dupree. "We _have_ to stop him! The fate of the world is at stake!"

Derek "Stormy" Waters. "I wonder if I can use my hair dryer while taking a shower at the same time?"

Dolphin Boy. "Chirp! Chirp chirp! Eee-ee-eee! Chirp!"

Debbie Love. "Now I know that you idiots did not just disconnect that power cord!"

Hesh Hepplewhite. "Hesh wants pre-marital sex NOW!"

Masked Takenouchi. "What the hell am I doing here? I'm not even in either of these two shows!"

 **Prepare Yourself For...**

 **LAWNDALE 2021: When The World Ran Out Of Pudding**

"Forward! Fear not death nor injury, for today we save the world!" Captain Murphy declares as he points a finger at an island while he stands inside the cockpit of a large flying machine.

This summer, premiering on the Paper Pusher's Message Board. Oh, and... uh, the next episode of Lawndale 2021 features Sealab's crew being picked off by a Predator ripoff.


	4. Monster

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 032 [3-04]: Monster

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Sunday, April 8th, 2022

It had happened without warning. A mysterious and unseen entity had managed to enter Sealab early Saturday. At first, no one noticed the handful of crew members who had gone missing, but as the body count began to rise, people started to take notice. It was only after Trent Lane's corpse had been found that people realized there was something strange going on.

And then, the monster made its appearance when it crashed through the ceiling of the cafeteria in Pod 01 Sunday morning. Since then, the crew had been put on high alert, and all authorized personnel had been given weapons to defend themselves. Commander Li had formed two groups of security personnel to go after the monster, with Lieutenant Sasha Winters leading one group and Li herself leading the other one.

" _I don't know, Zorak. I don't think my parents want me drinkin' beer._ " " _That's why we're doin' it!_ " " _Oh, okay!_ " "Ha!" Captain Murphy exclaimed as he watched Zorak proceed to tear up someone's lawn. "Good ole Zorak. The king of assholes," Murphy said with a smile.

"That's odd. I thought that Gendo Ikari was the king of assholes," Commander Jodene Sparks said. "No, he's the king of bastards," Lieutenant Amy Barksdale said. "Who's Gendo Ikari?" Murphy asked. "Never mind," Amy replied. "Um, guys, we still have a situation on our hands!" Commander DeMartino yelled as he entered the bridge.

"A situation? What is it?" Murphy asked. "A situation is a set of circumstances in which one finds themselves, but that's not important right now," Commander DeMartino replied. "No, I meant what situation are we in?" Murphy clarified. "There's a monster running loose in Sealab, killing our crew," Sparks said. "Oh. Oh yeah, that," Murphy said, disinterested. " _Captain! The monster has entered Pod Twenty! Oh my god! No, stay away! Stay awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacck!_ " a random crew member cried out on a console.

"Uh... what did he say?" Murphy asked. "He said that the monster is in Pod Twenty," Amy said. "Eh, I never cared much for those guys," Murphy said. "But... Captain! Pod Twenty is, uh, where all of the PIZZA is stored!" DeMartino lied. "Say _**WHAT?!**_ " Murphy exclaimed.

Murphy grabbed a microphone. "Attention security teams. The monster has entered Pod Twenty! I say again, the monster has entered Pod Twenty! Use extreme prejudice and protect those pizzas at all cost! Thank you," Murphy said into the microphone. "Do you think they heard that?" Murphy asked. Sparks shrugged his shoulders.

Line Break

"Okay," Sasha said, "I want two fire teams moving through here, six guys each. Watch your backs and avoid friendly fire. Remember to use your infrared visors!" Sasha flipped a power scanner visor over her eyes and moved forward, keeping her M16 at the ready. Sergeant Lisker kept his shotgun aimed forward, and Ensign Lynch made sure that his Noisy Cricket was pointed at the floor with the safeties on.

Ensign Kenny stood by the first door with his shotgun ready, and the group moved into the corridor in a defensive formation before breaking off into two teams. "Okay, Blue Team, move forward. Red Team will take the left corridor entrance and perform a thorough sweep of this part of the level," Sasha Winters said.

"Okay, Tommy Sherman will lead Silver Team through this corridor, while I lead Gold Team through the window corridors," Commander Angela Li said. Her officers nodded their heads in agreement before splitting up.

As both teams moved throughout the corridors, they continually checked their motion trackers. "Movement!" Sergeant Calhoun said. "Where?" Ensign Ricky asked. "Five meters ahead of us!" Calhoun replied. "Take up defensive positions," Tommy Sherman ordered as he aimed his M41A1 Pulse Rifle.

The team halted and aimed their weapons at the junction ahead of them, waiting for the monster to show itself. Instead, they saw Old Gus walking into their view. "False alarm, it's just Old Gus," Ensign Kuramoto said as Old Gus walked past them.

" _This is Tommy Sherman. The team has had a false alarm. It was just Old Gus,_ " Tommy Sherman said through the team's helmets. "Aw man, I thought that-" Ensign Kenny was interrupted when someone screamed through the helmets. " _Aaahh! It's here! It's here!_ " Sergeant Calhoun screamed.

Line Break

"Sarge, no!" Ensign Ricky cried out as The Monster ripped Sergeant Calhoun's head from his body. Tommy Sherman opened fire and The Monster threw Calhoun's body at him, knocking him over. "Die! Die!" Ensign Ricky cried out as he fired at the monster. Green blood splashed to the floor before The Monster attacked him.

"Nooooooooooo!" Ensign Carter screamed as she watched The Monster kill Ensign Ricky. Ensign Kuramoto fired his shotgun at The Monster, which threw a spear at him, skewering him and sending him flying back until he slammed into a wall. The Monster used its wrist blades to hoist Ensign Carter into the air. "Aaaaaacck!"

"Tabitha, no!" Tommy Sherman cried out as he pushed Calhoun's body off of him and stood up. Ensign Marshall fired his shotgun at The Monster, causing it to produce sparks near its shoulder. The invisibility wore off and The Monster's full form could be seen.

"You're one cool-looking motherfucker!" Ensign Marshall said before firing again as The Monster rushed at him. "No! Fight Tommy Sherman instead!" Tommy Sherman yelled, just as The Monster ripped Marshall in half. "Come on! Tommy Sherman is ready, are you!?" Tommy Sherman shouted as he rushed at The Monster.

Line Break

"Holy crap, what's happening in there?" Amy asked. "Lieutenant Winters, this is Commander Sparks. What's the situation?" Sparks asked. " _Lieutenant Sherman and Silver team are dead. Commander Li and Gold Team have reported that they are moving to intercept the target. Red and Blue teams are moving in to provide backup,_ Winters reported over the headset.

"Hey, ask her if the pizzas are safe," Murphy requested. "What?" Sparks asked him. "The pizzas! Ask her about the pizzas!" Murphy reiterated. "We'll ask her after they've taken care of the monster," Sparks said. " _If_ they can take care of it," Sparks added.

"Well, they'd better, or their corpses are gonna be in a lot of trouble!" Murphy quipped.

Line Break

In the Blue Ridge Mountain range of Pennsylvania, a man sat in a chair, looking at birds while he held a shotgun in his lap. He smiled at the birds and other critters in the forest, until a troubling thought occurred to him; one that made his very soul tremble. "Oh my god! This is a non-sequitur!" he exclaimed. He then grabbed his shotgun, placed the barrel in his mouth, and blew his brains out.

Line Break

"This is Sergeant Jessica Bradley. Red Team is moving into position," Sergeant Bradley said through her helmet. " _This is Commander Li. Red and Blue teams maintain a formation around this section and then prepare to-look out!_ " Angela cried out over the speakers.

"They're under attack!" Bradley cried out as she led Red Team over to Gold Team's position. "This is Sergeant Bradley; Red Team is converging on Gold Team's position. How long until Blue Team arrives?" she asked. " _This is Lieutenant Winters. Blue Team should arrive in three minutes,_ " Winters replied.

"Come on, guys!" Jessica yelled. "Long tall Sally! She built for speed! She got everything... that Uncle John needs! I'm gonna have me some fun, baby!" Jessica sang as she ran forward, the rest of Red Team hot on her heels.

" _Fire! Shoot it! Shoot it!_ " Angela cried out over the radio. Gunfire echoed throughout the halls. " _Ensign Weathers, no!_ " Li cried. Jessica Bradley picked up the pace as she neared Gold Team's position. She could hear two echoing shotgun blasts before everything went quiet.

"I'm gonna have me some fun! I'm gonna have me some-oh," Jessica said as she came to a halt at the junction where Gold Team had been attacked. Two members of Gold Team had been strung up to the ceiling, while the other four were lying on the ground or slumped against the wall.

"Um... I think we missed the party," Jessica said as the rest of Red Team caught up to her. "Oh no, we too late!" Ensign Kenny exclaimed. "It looks like a slaughterhouse," Ensign Parson commented. "It couldn't have gotten far," Kenny said.

"I've got movement!" Ensign Hodges announced. "Where, man?" Ensign Kenny asked. "It's right behind you!" Hodges exclaimed as a wrist blade speared Kenny and lifted him into the air. "Oh my god, it killed Kenny!" Hodges exclaimed. "You bastard!" Bradley cried.

Line Break

"Man, those guys are getting their asses kicked," Murphy commented. "Shut up," Amy said with a frown. "I'll say whatever I want," Murphy muttered under his breath. " _Hodges, look out!_ " "I've already seen this one. Can we watch something different?" Murphy asked. Everyone turned to look at him.

" _This is Blue Team, we've just arrived at the-Bradley, look out!_ " Gunfire echoed through the speakers. Just then, Dr. Quinn entered the bridge. "Hey, guys, I just got back from seeing Captain Shanks," Dr. Quinn said. "Why were you, uh, visiting him?" Murphy asked.

"He's the only person to have survived an encounter with the monster," Dr. Quinn replied. "Oh, and what did he say?" Murphy asked him. "He said that we might stand a chance if we change Sealab's atmospheric conditions, for a short period. Get me on the line with Engineering," Dr. Quinn said.

"Wait, Lieutenant Winters is dealing with the-" " _You bastard! You've stabbed me. Now, I'm going to die! But, if I'm going down, then at least I'll die knowing that I've taken you with me! EAT GRENADE, MOTHERFUCKER!_ " Winters yelled out over the radio as she pulled the pin of a grenade. A loud explosion roared over the speakers of the console. "Never mind. They're all dead," Sparks said.

"Do you think she got it?" Amy asked. "I don't know," Sparks said as he accessed some security feed of the area. "Um... I don't see much of anything," Sparks commented. "Was it safe for that area's structural integrity?" Amy asked. "No idea," Sparks replied.

"So, if the monster is dead, then I guess we don't need to hear your plan. Sorry, Quinn. Your time to shine will have to wait another day," Sparks said. Soon, one of the consoles came to life. " _Hey, this is Venkman. I heard a loud noise in this sector? What's going oh my god! No, stay away from me! Aaaaaaaaaaacckk!_ Venkman cried as The Monster killed him.

"You were saying?" Dr. Quinn asked Sparks. "Uh... what's your plan?" Sparks asked him nervously. "Like I said, change the atmospheric conditions of Sealab. Just temporarily, and the monster might not survive," Dr. Quinn exposited. "Uh-huh. Will that affect our pizza supplies?" Captain Murphy asked him.

"What? Captain, this is no time to be thinking about pizza," Dr. Quinn admonished him. "So, anyway, patch me through to engineering," Dr. Quinn said. Sparks immediately contacted the reactor room. " _This is Lieutenant Junior Grade Ruttheimer!_ " Upchuck replied. "Upchuck, where's Hesh?" Dr. Quinn asked him.

" _He-he's DEAD! He went out to fight the monster after it killed Archie! Oh god, it ripped out his spine!_ " Upchuck cried. "Did you record it?" Murphy asked him. " _W-What?_ " Upchuck replied in confusion. "Never mind that! Ruttheimer, we need you to go over to the atmospheric controls and change them according to my specifications! It might be the only way to stop the monster!" Dr. Quinn said.

" _O-Of course! Okay, what do I need to do?_ " "Reduce oxygen levels by fifty percent and increase the helium levels," Dr. Quinn said. " _Wait, what if that kills_ _ **us?**_ " Upchuck asked. "It'll only be temporary. Once the monster is dead, we can return the levels to normal," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Hey, I just noticed something," Murphy said. "What?" Amy asked him. "Where's Daria? Shouldn't she be here at her post?" he asked. "Um, she has the day off," Sparks said. "Oh, well good for her," Murphy said.

Line Break

Meanwhile, Upchuck was busy following Dr. Quinn's instructions. " _Okay! Now what?_ " he asked, his voice now sounding very high-pitched. "Oh my god! Your voice!" Amy said with a laugh. "Oh my-my voice!" she then laughed. "Dude, I sound like a fucking chipmunk!" Sparks exclaimed. "Oh yeah!? Well, holy crap listen to _my_ voice!" Murphy exclaimed before doubling over in laughter.

Line Break

In the reactor room, Upchuck felt an invisible pressure on his shoulder, before he was yanked away from the control panel. "Help meeeaaaaaacck!" he cried out in horror. " _Hey, Ruttheimer, are you there? Hello? Ruttheimer?_ " Quinn asked over the communications console. The monster then reset the atmospheric conditions of Sealab.

Line Break

"Okay, so that didn't work, and now Ruttheimer is dead," Sparks said. "Try contacting Dr. Virjay in the Infirmary," Dr. Quinn said. "Sure," Sparks replied. "Oh, look at that. The whole area is covered in blood, and look, there's Dr. Virjay's head, stuck on a bed post," Sparks said flatly.

"Well isn't that lovely?" Amy said sarcastically. " _Hey, this is Lieutenant Commander Barch. I'm in the moon pool with Skinny here. We're gonna go outside and manually seal off sections of Sealab in a plan to trap the monster,_ " Janet Barch said over a console.

"Good idea. That should buy us some time," Dr. Quinn said. " _Janet, I can't concentrate with you touching my leg,_ " Mr. O'Neill whined. " _I'm not touching your-oh my god, it's here!_ " Barch cried out before the screen was splashed with blood. " _Aaahhh! Skinny, No!_ " Barch cried out before the screen switched to static. "Is there anyplace that this monster ISN'T!?" Sparks exclaimed in anger.

Line Break

"Oh, harder, harder!" Daria cried out as Tom [Censored] her [Censored]. Jane cried out in ecstasy as Daria [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. All three of them felt as though their bodies were on fire, even though the room was properly air-conditioned. "Oh, god [Censored] there!" Daria cried out as Jane bent over and [Censored] her [Censored] vigorously. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. Daria looked up and [Censored] Jane's [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] furiously.

[The following paragraph has been censored entirely due to graphic sexual content. The next paragraph after it... not quite so much.]

[Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored].

"More, more!" Jane cried out as Tom [Censored] while Daria [Censored]. Tom [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] as Jane [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. Daria licked the [Censored] [Censored] off her face as Tom [Censored] [Censored] from Jane. Daria pushed Tom on his back as she [Censored] [Censored] while Jane [Censored] [Censored] one last time. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored].

Daria squeezed her eyes shut as one final [Censored] [Censored] rippled through all three of them. All three lovers collapsed from exhaustion and pleasure onto the soaked bedding. Then a hell-beast ate them.

Line Break

"Dammit, we're running out of options!" Amy exclaimed. Just then, Marco entered the bridge. "Marco, you're alive!" Amy cried out happily. "Alright, where's that bastard monster!? I'm gonna rip out its spine and shove it down its throat!" Marco said as he cracked his knuckles.

"Good plan, but how do you expect to get close enough to the monster to do that?" Amy asked him skeptically. "I'll find a way," Marco replied before he exited the bridge. He made his way over to a transport cart and sped onward, entering Pod 04 before The Monster attacked him.

"Come on, amigo! Fight me like a man! I'll tear you apart!" Marco roared. "I have the strength of a man that has the strength of ten men... plus a grizzly bear/gorilla hybrid!" The Monster lunged at Marco, who dodged the attack and performed a spinning kick at The Monster's back, sending it sprawling to the floor.

"Yeah! Take that!" Marco spat before The Monster got back up and retaliated. Marco ducked and performed an uppercut into The Monster's torso before it finally spun around and pushed him away. The Monster and Marco then lunged at each, wrestling for supremacy.

The two opponents were locked in a deadly embrace like lovers, except that they were trying to kill each other. "Ha-ha! Feel the strength of my fists around your neck!" Marco exclaimed, grabbing The Monster's throat, leaving its arms and hands free. Marco's eyes widened as he felt the consequences of his mistake. "I... did _not_ think that through," he said in his dying breaths.

Line Break

"Great, now the damn thing has wheels!" Murphy growled as they saw The Monster driving the stolen cart through the halls of Sealab. "Wait a minute, I think I have a plan that just might work, well make that two plans," Dr. Quinn said as he left the bridge. "Is he gonna come back alive? I need someone to tell me about those pizzas dammit!" Murphy exclaimed. "The pizzas are fine, Captain," Sparks said. "Oh. Good," Murphy said.

At that moment, the bridge door opened and Commander DeMartino entered the bridge. "Commander, when did you leave the bridge?" Amy asked him. "I had to use the bathroom a little while back. So, did Lieutenant Winters kill the monster?" he replied. "No. The security team is dead. They're _all_ dead," Amy replied somberly.

Line Break

" _ **What do you need us for again?**_ " Elsie Sloane asked Dr. Quinn as he drove her and Dolphin Boy over to Pod One. "Oh, just a chance to save some lives," Dr. Quinn replied. "Chirp chirp!" Dolphin Boy chirped. "That's right! You're gonna help me defeat the monster," Dr. Quinn replied with a sly smile on his face.

"Now, let's just make our way over to the reactor room. I have a nice life jacket for you, Dolphin Boy," Dr. Quinn said. Eventually, as they entered Engineering, making their way past several mutilated corpses and blood-sprayed hallways, they entered the reactor room.

" _ **Charles!**_ " Elsie cried out as she saw Upchuck's corpse. "Yikes," Dr. Quinn said as he looked at the dead body. He then opened a suitcase he had with him and pulled out a life jacket... made out of seasoned meat. "Here ya go," He said as he placed the life jacket on Dolphin Boy. "Come on, Elsie, we're going to... make sure that the area is safe while Dolphin Boy hides in here," Dr. Quinn said. He and a grieving Elsie left the reactor room, leaving Dolphin Boy all alone.

Line Break

"Okay, now, using Dolphin Boy as bait, the monster will enter the reactor room," Dr. Quinn explained. "Then, we remotely lower the coolant levels, causing a brief overload until the fail-safes kick in. That should be enough to give the monster a lethal dose of radiation," he finished. "Uh-huh. But, uh, what about Butter Chubs there?" Murphy asked, referring to Dolphin Boy. "Who cares?" Dr. Quinn replied.

"Right," Murphy said with a smile. "Oh, I also have ear plugs for everyone, just in case we have to use my other plan," Dr. Quinn said as he held out a box of ear plugs. Everyone grabbed a pair before settling in to watch the plan unfold.

Line Break

The Monster walked into the reactor room, seeing the small and chubby boy in a yellow uniform with a vest of meat. Dolphin Boy looked up at The Monster and made dolphin noises. "[Are you going to eat me?]" he asked The Monster. "[ **Well, not so much eat you as just kill you and take your skull or something as a trophy. It's kind of what I do** ]," The Monster replied.

"[Why?]" Dolphin Boy asked The Monster. "[ **Hmm... you know, no one's ever really asked me that before. All anyone ever does is scream at me. It's really annoying, so I just kill them** ]," The Monster replied. "[No one likes me either]," Dolphin Boy said sadly. "[ **Why's that?** ]" The Monster asked him.

"[It's because... I'm fat]," Dolphin Boy replied. "[ **You're not fat. You're... uh, husky. Yeah, that's it** ]," The Monster replied. "[ **Would you like... to be my friend?** ]" The Monster asked Dolphin Boy. "[Sure]," Dolphin Boy replied. "[ **So, tell me why else these horrible people despise you** ]," The Monster said. "[I also hide the remote controls to their TV's, insult people, make weird noises, pee on Captain Murphy's bed, and eat other people's lunches even when they have their names marked on the bag or box]," Dolphin Boy said.

"[ **Did you say... you** _ **eat**_ **other people's marked lunches? You** _ **MONSTER!**_ ]" The Monster roared in outrage before extending its wrist blades and brutally killing Dolphin Boy. The Monster decapitated the little bastard before throwing the headless body at the wall and stalking away silently. "[ **What an asshole** ]," The Monster muttered after entering a secluded hallway.

Line Break

"Uh... well, I don't suppose you have a plan that _won't_ get another person killed, do you?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "Um... well, hopefully the monster understands English, because I've got only one plan left," Dr. Quinn replied nervously as he looked over at Elsie. " _ **Wait, why are you... oh, you rotten bastard,**_ " Elsie said as she realized what Dr. Quinn's newest plan would be. "Come on, your voice is the only option left," Dr. Quinn said.

" _ **If this fails and I die, I will come back to life just long enough to kill you,**_ " Elsie threatened. "Don't worry. You won't die," Dr. Quinn said reassuringly. " _ **Of course not, considering how well your last two plans have been executed,**_ " Elsie retorted. "Now Elsie, all you have to do is find the monster, take off your voice modulator, and speak to it. That's all," Dr. Quinn explained.

Elsie sighed. " _ **Fine. I'll do it. But in return... you owe me a favor,**_ " she said. "Name it," Dr. Quinn replied. " _ **Not just yet. I'll tell you when I need it,**_ " Elsie said with a smirk. "Sounds good to me," Dr. Quinn said.

"Hey, I just realized something," Commander DeMartino said. "Yeah?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "I haven't seen or heard from White Debbie at all since Friday," DeMartino said. "Oh, she's up topside right now, visiting her parents," Dr. Quinn said. When he turned around, Elsie had already left the bridge.

Line Break

Elsie Sloane walked silently through the empty halls and corridors of Sealab. Eventually, she saw a shimmer in the air. She had found her target. " _ **Halt, trespasser,**_ " she commanded. The Monster stopped moving and turned to look at her. The two opponents then engaged in a staring contest. When they could take the strain no longer, Elsie held up both hands, balled into fists with only her middle fingers showing.

Elsie then reached up and slowly removed her voice modulator. The Monster disengaged its cloaking system and began to remove its own mask. Elsie then dropped her voice modulator onto the floor, smiling at The Monster. " **Hello. I am Elsie Sloane,** " she said. The Monster paused its actions, before it soon began convulsing with violent tremors throughout its body. It then violently spasmed on the floor, squealing and screaming, before it exploded in a shower of green blood and guts.

" **Why didn't anybody ask me to do this in the first place?** " Elsie asked herself before she reattached her voice modulator. She then quietly made her way back to the bridge, where she found herself being congratulated by the surviving crew members. "Elsie Sloane, you have our gratitude," Commander DeMartino said with a nod of his head. " _ **Thank you. Now, may I please return home and continue my Rick and Morty marathon?**_ " Elsie asked them.

"Was that the favor you wanted?" Dr. Quinn asked her. " _ **No. As I said, I will tell you when I need it. Have a nice day... incompetent cyborg,**_ " Elsie said before leaving the bridge. "So... how do we explain everything to Debbie when she gets back?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "Um... very carefully," he replied. " _Very_ carefully." "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for pizza?" Captain Murphy asked. Everyone stared at him. "What?"

Ending Theme: Long Tall Sally, by Little Richard.

* * *

That was the fourth episode of Lawndale 2021 Season 03. The next episode of Lawndale 2021 features Jane in a prominent role... sort of.


	5. Like Veal, Only Babies

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 033 [3-05]: Like Veal, Only Babies

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Monday, April 9th, 2022

Jane Lane opened her eyes groggily as Trent gently shook her shoulder. "Janey, you need to wake up," Trent said. "Don't wanna," Jane replied sleepily. "And turn off the lights," she groaned. "Janey, the lights are just barely entering the room," Trent commented. A minute later, her eyes shot open and she stumbled out of bed, pushing Trent out of the way and heading for the bathroom. "Yeah... I need to pee pretty bad too when I wake up," Trent commented as the bathroom door slid shut.

* * *

Daria Morgendorffer listened as Mr. Van Driessen went over their next assignment, before she heard the classroom door sliding open. She looked over and saw Jane sluggishly walking into class. "And so-oh, Miss Lane," Mr. Van Driessen said. "Hi," Jane said sluggishly. "Um, are you feeling okay?" Mr. Van Driessen asked his student. "Sure," Jane lied as she took a seat next to Daria. "Jane, are you sure you're okay?" Daria asked her. She could smell the faint hint of puke around Jane.

"Y-Yeah. I'm fine," Jane replied quietly. Daria studied her friend. "You don't seem fine," Daria whispered back to her. Jane turned her head quickly and was about to retort when she covered her mouth and stood up. "Mr. Van Driessen, I need to use the bathroom," she said as she hurried out of the classroom.

"Hmm, Miss Morgendorffer, could you perhaps go check on Miss Lane? See if she needs to go to the nurse's office. She doesn't look too well," Mr. Van Driessen said. "Sure," Daria said without complaint as she stood up and left the classroom.

Daria quietly made her way over to the nearest girls' bathroom and walked inside, glancing down to see which stall Jane was in. "Jane? Are you okay?" Daria asked her. "Jane?" Daria asked again. She saw Jane draw her legs up. "Jane, can we talk?" Daria asked her.

Jane unlocked the stall door and grabbed Daria, pulling her into a hug. "Jane, what's wrong?" Daria asked her. "I... I think I'm pregnant!" Jane blurted out to her. "W-What?" Daria asked her, shocked. "I said I think I might be pregnant," Jane cried. "Are you sure?" Daria asked her.

"For the most part," Jane replied. "I've noticed the symptoms. I've been getting morning sickness; I've had strange cravings; and I've been having some mood swings," Jane replied before sobbing into Daria's shoulder. "It's okay, Jane. But... have you taken a pregnancy test to _confirm it?_ " Daria asked her.

"N-No," Jane said. "Then we should do that," Daria said. "Come on, Jane. We're gonna go see Dr. Virjay or Dr. Quinn," Daria said as she led Jane out of the bathroom and into the hallway of the school. "Are you sure that it's okay to cut class like this?" Jane asked her. "No, but we could make a stop by the nurse's office and tell them that you're feeling sick. Then we can take a trip to see Dr. Virjay," Daria replied.

* * *

 **The Infirmary, Pod 04...**

"Hmm... yes, you are indeed exhibiting all of the classic symptoms of human pregnancy. Tell me, have you taken a pregnancy test to confirm it, though?" he asked Jane as she sat on the examination table. "Um... no," Jane replied. "I see. Well, I would recommend that you do so. Here, allow me to retrieve a kit for you," Dr. Virjay said as he walked over to a cabinet and retrieved a pregnancy test.

"Here you go," he said. "There is a bathroom down the hall. Simply follow the instructions and then return after the test is complete," he told her. Jane nodded her head and took the pregnancy test before exiting the room and going into one of the bathrooms. "So, Daria, is there anything that I can help _you_ with while you are here?" Dr. Virjay asked her.

"Nah," Daria replied. "Very well. I will return after grabbing a snack," Dr. Virjay said as he left the room, leaving Daria alone. "Hmm, should I tell Tom about this _now_ or _after_ Jane gets the test results?" Daria asked herself.

Thirty minutes later, Jane walked back into the examination room. "Well, what are the results?" Daria asked her. "Um... I'm not pregnant," Jane said. Daria perked up. "According to the test results, I'm not pregnant, but... could I borrow two more, just to be safe?" Jane asked Dr. Virjay. "Sure," he said as he retrieved two more pregnancy tests from the cabinet.

"Both of them show that, once again, you are not pregnant," Dr. Virjay said. "So, I guess I just caught a bug or something?" Jane asked him. "Perhaps. Let's wait a few days and see if this continues," he suggested. "Okay," Jane said. "Come on, Jane," Daria said. "Let's go to Pizza-Marine."

Both girls exited the room and made their way out of the Med Bay. "So... should we talk to Tom?" Jane asked. "Talk to him? You're not pregnant, Jane," Daria said. "Yeah, but we should still at least let him know that we had a scare," Jane replied. "I suppose," Daria replied as both girls stepped into a transport cart.

"Hey, Daria... do you think we could go to Grizzlebee's instead? I'm kinda... getting a craving for that Bison Rib Rack," Jane requested. "Um... sure. We'll definitely need to have Tom with us for that, though. It's kind of expensive," Daria said as she changed course and slowly drove the cart over to the Pod 19 housing block.

"You know... it's only thirteen hundred. Tom's still in class," Daria said. "Aw man," Jane pouted. "You know... there _are_ ways that we can pass the time until school lets out for the day," Daria said with a predatory grin on her face as she parked the cart in an alcove. She checked to make sure that there were no security cameras around, and then she pounced.

* * *

"You are currently watching/reading Lawndale 2021... on [daria swim]. Please try not to fuck up your eyes by reading this in the dark with your face hovering only four inches away from the screen, like this poor bastard."

" _Hi, I'm John Doe. I always kept my eyes less then four inches away from the TV screen or the computer monitor for years, and now I'm almost blind! Oh god, I hate my life! Why didn't I listen when people warned me!? I want to die! Please, someone kill me! **END MY SUFFERING!**_ "

"Also, coming soon to Fan , various Zootopia fan fiction, and fiction for John Carpenter's THE THING (1982), all guaranteed to traumatize any children who read them."

"We now return you to your scheduled programming... we guess."

* * *

Daria parked the cart in front of Housing Unit 19-AA-0034. Pressing the buzzer, Daria was greeted with the sight of Angier Sloane. "Uh... hello?" he asked. "I'm here to see Tom," Daria said. "Oh. Um... who are you?" Angier asked her. "I'm his girlfriend," she replied. "Oh. I didn't know Young Thomas had a girlfriend. Say, who's that girl over in the cart?" Angier asked her. "She's also his girlfriend," Daria replied.

"Uh-huh. Well... okay," Angier said before turning around. "Hey, Tom. Your... girlfriends are here," Angier called out. " _I'll be right there,_ " Tom called from his room. "So... how long have you girls known Tom?" Angier asked Daria. "Um... since that dance where both schools got together, I guess," Daria replied.

"Huh. You know, some time back, I met this interesting young man who taught me a valuable life lesson with a stirring speech," Angier said. "Okay," Daria said flatly. "I was feeling a bit down on my luck, but his talk about scoring and never giving up gave me hope," Angier said, causing Daria to raise an eyebrow. _Wait... scoring? Please tell me he's talking about gambling or something relating to money_ , Daria thought to herself.

"He then took his shirt and-" "Hey Daria," Tom said as he walked over to the door. "Hey, Tom, wanna hear my story about the Great Cornholio?" Angier asked him. Daria's eyes almost bugged out of her head. "C-Corn...holio? You... you are _unclean_ ," Daria said with disgust in her voice. "Huh?" Angier asked her.

"Tom, your father must be cleansed. He is unclean," Daria said firmly. "Daria... what are you talking about?" Tom asked her. Daria pointed her finger at Angier, who now had his shirt lifted up with his arms in the air. "I am Cornholio the Second!" Angier exclaimed. "We must cleanse him of the sin," Daria said with narrowed eyes.

"Um... can we do that later? I mean, can't we just let him get it out of his system?" Tom asked her. "Hmm... okay," Daria said thoughtfully before she grabbed Tom's arm and dragged him out of the housing unit. "Wait, where are we going?" Tom asked her. "Grizzlebee's," Daria replied as they got in the cart.

* * *

"I can get you the butter, but I just need a little more time," Sparks said. " _Oh, faith and begorah, I'll give ye a bit more time. But I only have so much butter left! I need my fix soon,_ " some Amish guy on the console said. "Yeah, just give me another day. You can last that long, can't you?" Sparks asked him. "Sure, I'll talk to ya then," Amish Guy said before ending the transmission.

Sparks then called up Jones in the agriculture department. "Hey, Jones, what's going on with the butter delay? I've got a customer and he needs his fix soon," Sparks said. " _I'm giving her all she's got, sir, but poor old Bessie just can't produce as much milk in a single day as you're demanding,_ " Lieutenant Jones replied.

"Then get another cow," Sparks said. " _I can't! Just smuggling Bessie into the place was difficult enough without gettin' caught, and don't forget keeping her hidden. Smuggling a second cow in here? It's guaranteed to get us caught,_ " Jones replied. "Look, fine. Just get it done when you can, but if that order isn't filled by the end of tomorrow, your ass is grass. Got it?" Sparks asked him. " _Y-Yes, Commander,_ " Jones said before ending the transmission.

Captain Murphy then entered the bridge and turned on the big TV near the corner of the room. " _Breaking news! Several restaurants and grocery stores have initiated a massive self-induced recall of several products given to them by the Meaty Meats slaughterhouse and distribution company. Apparently, there have been reported outbreaks of parasites in their meats. All meat products from this company are being recalled,_ " the anchorman said.

* * *

"I'm sorry, but nearly all of our beef and pork products have been recalled by the company who distributes them," the waiter said. "So we're stuck with poultry?" Jane asked him. "Yes, and the Bison is out of stock. I'm afraid we don't have any more of that," he said.

"What about the ostrich meat?" Tom asked. "We have plenty of that," the waiter said. "Say, do you guys have ostrich ribs?" Tom asked him. "We only have what was shipped to us, and... no one has sent us ostrich ribs, although there might be some in one of the commissaries," the waiter replied.

"I guess we'll take some ostrich burgers," Jane said. "Grilled, deep fried, or oven-baked?" the waiter asked them. "I'll take grilled," Daria said. "Same here," Tom said. "Deep fried _and_ oven-baked," Jane requested. "So, two for you?" the waiter asked her. "Yes. Two very large ostrich burgers for me," Jane said.

* * *

" _Symptoms of the parasites include hunger, feeling sick in the morning, sensitivity to light, bloating, increased sexual drive for a brief period, strange food cravings, and, most horrifically, a desire to listen to polka music,_ " the news anchor said. "Gee, that's horrible," Captain Murphy commented.

"Yeah... polka music," Sparks quipped. Just then, Amy Barksdale entered the bridge. "Hey guys, what's going on?" Amy asked. "Oh, some meat company got parasites in its meat, and now there's been a recall," Murphy explained. "Yikes," Amy said. "Yeah, and the parasites also make people listen to polka music," Sparks said.

Amy chuckled. "Good one, Jo. Good one," Amy said. "No, he's serious. The news guy even said so," Murphy said. "R-Really?" Amy asked in disbelief. A call soon came in on one of Sparks' monitors. " _Hey, this is Simpson down in Grizzlebee's! We've got a situation here!_ " "Calm down," Sparks said. "What kind of situation is it?" he asked.

" _There's this girl. She-She's eating everything in sight! And she's putting peanut butter on an ostrich burger! It's horrible!_ " "Peanut butter? Who the hell would do something that twisted?" Sparks asked. " _Some girl! She's got short black hair, has a red uniform, some earrings, pals around with Lieutenant Barksdale's daughter._ " "Niece," Amy interjected.

"Wait... that would be Jane Lane. I'll send Lieutenant Barksdale down there to get her under control," Sparks said. "Amy, would you be so kind as to figure out why Miss Lane has lost her goddamn mind and started putting peanut butter on burgers?" Sparks asked her. "Sure. I'll be back later," Amy said as she left the bridge.

"Hmm... maybe she's pregnant," Murphy suggested. "What?" Sparks asked. "Well, pregnant women do get odd cravings. Don't they?" Murphy replied. "Yeah, now that you mention it... they do," Sparks said.

* * *

"Polka... I need polka music," Jane said as she was placed in the back of a transport cart. Amy got into the driver's seat, while Daria and Tom got in, with Daria in front and Tom in the back with Jane. "No, Jane. You do not need polka music," Tom said calmly.

"Don't tell me what I don't need! I need some gorram* polka music, and I need it now!" Jane retorted. "Oh my god... Jane, you're either pregnant or infested with parasites," Amy said, remembering what Sparks and Murphy had said. "Parasites?" Tom asked her.

"Yeah... Hey, did you guys eat any pork or beef products served at Grizzlebee's in the past few days?" Amy asked them. "Um... Jane had a rack of Bison Ribs on Saturday," Daria replied. "In that case, she may have gotten the parasites from the meat... depending on how it was cooked," Amy said. "Wait, if it's all cooked properly, then shouldn't the parasites not be a problem?" Tom asked.

"It's possible that Jane may have gotten an under-cooked rack of ribs," Amy said. "Did either of you pay attention to the rarity or done-ness of the meat?" she asked them. "Um... I ordered some honey-glazed chicken with rice, and Tom had some kind of... thing with crab legs," Daria said. "But did you pay attention to what Jane was eating?" Amy asked them.

"Um... now that you mention it, parts of that meat did look a little too red," Tom said. "There was a recall of all meats distributed and packaged by the Meaty Meats company recently. I can only guess that those bison ribs were one of their products," Amy said as she drove them to the infirmary.

* * *

"Oh my," Dr. Virjay said. "It appears that your friend is pregnant with horrible parasites," he concluded. "Is there anything we can do to treat them?" Daria asked him. "Hmm... well, we can give her some antibiotics, but we must first see how far along the parasites have come in her body," Dr. Virjay replied.

 **One Hour Later...**

"Well, seeing how they are starting to cluster around her major organs and lungs, it seems that mere antibiotics may not be enough to solve this particular case," Dr. Virjay said. "Isn't there anything we can do?" Daria asked him. "Well... let me contact Dr. Quinn. He may have something we could use for this occasion," Dr. Virjay said.

Just then, the door open and Sparks and Amy walked into the room. "Sparks, what are you doing here?" Daria asked him. "Amy here forced me to come along," Sparks replied. "Wait, who's manning the communications station on the bridge?" Tom asked him. "Marco," Sparks replied.

* * *

"Hello, and welcome to Marco central, baby!" Marco Marquez exclaimed. Suddenly, one of the console screens came to life. " _Hey, Sparks, I was able to smuggle a second cow into the-oh, you're not Sparks. Oh shit, Lieutenant Commander Marquez!_ " "No, it's Marco Marquez, not Oh Shit Marquez. Geez, get it right," Marco said.

"No, no," Murphy said. "I think he meant 'Oh Shit' in surprise and alarm," he suggested. "You think so?" Marco asked him. "Probably. And what was he saying about smuggling a cow?" Murphy replied. "Who cares?" Marco asked. "Good point. Come on, it's time for... Chopper Dave!" Murphy said as he turned on the TV. " _Hey-ooohhh!_ "

* * *

"So, parasites, huh?" Sparks asked Jane. "Apparently," Jane replied. "You know, if you _were_ pregnant, there's a book I'd be willing to lend you," Sparks said. "Really? What's it called?" Jane asked him. "A Modest Proposal," Sparks replied. "That sounds... vaguely familiar. What's it about?" Jane asked him.

"Eating babies," Sparks replied with a grin. Everyone in the room looked at him. "It's a satire," he explained, just before the door opened and Dr. Quinn entered the infirmary alongside Dr. Virjay. "Okay, how long do you think you've had the parasites?" Dr. Quinn asked Jane. "I don't know," Jane replied.

"Okay, when did you last eat any beef or pork products that could have been under-cooked?" he asked her. "Um... maybe on Saturday, when Daria, Tom, and I went to Grizzlebee's," Jane replied. "I see," Dr. Quinn said thoughtfully. "Hmm... in that case, we need to move quickly. I need someone to be willing to shrink down to microscopic size," Dr. Quinn said.

"Say what?" Daria asked him. "The treatment I have; it's a microscopic submersible with offensive and defensive capabilities," he replied. "Can't it be controlled remotely?" Tom asked him. "I _suppose_ , but I didn't bring that equipment with me," Dr. Quinn said.

"How do you plan to shrink someone down to pilot it?" Amy asked him. "There's a shrink device in the infirmary for when we need to make some of our tools really, really tiny for sensitive operations," Dr. Quinn replied. "Will the shrinkage be relative?" Daria asked him.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Quinn asked her. "When the person is shrunk, will everything in their body still be proper size relative to them?" Daria asked him. "Of course," Dr. Quinn replied proudly. "You've been waiting for this moment a long time, haven't you?" Sparks asked him.

"Maybe. Now, who wants to become micro-sized?" he asked. "Um... I'll do it," Daria volunteered. "Okay. Before we begin, I suggest that you use the bathroom," Dr. Quinn told her. "Sure," Daria said before leaving the room. She came back five minutes later.

"POLKA! Give me some goddamn polka!" Jane screamed. "No! Miss Lane, you need to calm down," Dr. Quinn said as he and Tom grabbed her arms. "I'll swallow your soul! Give me polka music! And a fried cheese sandwich with prune spread!" Jane exclaimed. "Virjay, get the sedative!" Dr. Quinn ordered. Dr. Virjay walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a small box labeled "Boom Stick." He opened it and retrieved the needle before making sure that it worked.

Dr. Virjay walked over and calmly dabbed some alcohol onto Jane's arm before injecting her with the sedative. "I need it! I need it so bad! Polka!" Jane cried. "We can't give you polka music," Tom said. "But I NEEDS the MUSICS! I NEEDS IT! P-Precious! I needs the precious! Gollum! Gollum!" Jane snarled. "Jane, calm down. Look at me and calm down," Tom said.

"That's good, keep talking to her. Keep her focused until the sedative kicks in," Dr. Quinn told him. "How long will it take?" Tom asked him. "About an hour or so," Dr. Quinn replied. "It's basically tranquilizer. It has to take effect slowly or else it may kill her," he explained. "But in movies it takes someone out instantly," Tom said.

"Tom, in real life, any tranquilizer that takes someone down instantly is a lethal dosage. You know how in X-Men 2, Wolverine was able to shrug off those tranquilizers for hours? That's what a normal human reaction is supposed to be for a non-lethal dosage. You know how all of those mutant kids fell down instantly when shot? They fucking died. A non-lethal sedative or tranquilizer is not supposed to take effect immediately, and if it does, you or the person receiving it is dead. End of story," Dr. Quinn said.

"Wow. Now I know," Tom said. "And knowing is half the battle," Amy said. "I've always wondered, though, what's the other half of the battle?" Tom asked. "Killing people," Sparks said. "How sedated does Jane need to be for me to be inserted?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn. "Um..." Dr. Quinn looked over at Jane, who was biting at the air. "A bit more sedated," he replied.

* * *

"Ready to go?" Dr. Quinn asked her. "Um... I think I need to go to the bathroom again. Tom, come with me," Daria said as she dragged him out of the room. Forty minutes later, they both returned from the bathroom. "So... ready?" Dr. Quinn asked her.

"I'm ready," Daria replied firmly. "Great, because we want your shrinking to be fresh, since the effects will only last twelve hours. After that, you'll begin to grow again, and it may not be pretty if it happens on its own. So, we'll need to get you out of there and back onto the pad to reverse the process in a controlled manner," Dr. Quinn said before pressing a button on the wall. A large cabinet holder folded itself up and slid to the side, revealing a circular pad behind it. "It looks like one of those teleporter things from Star Trek," Tom said. "You mean the transporters?" Amy quipped. "Yeah," Tom said.

"Daria, please step onto the pad," Dr. Quinn requested. "Oh, here are some ear plugs. You might want to hold onto them," Dr. Quinn said as he handed them to her. "Ready?" he asked one last time. Daria nodded her head and Dr. Quinn pulled a lever, causing a beam of light to engulf Daria. A few minutes later, Daria was microscopic in size. Dr. Quinn knelt down with a small plastic bag.

He made a motion for Daria to use the earplugs. Using his mighty cyborg eyes, he zoomed in on Daria and waited for her to put the earplugs in. He then gently set down the plastic bag and a petri dish. He carefully pushed the submersible out of the bag and watched Daria climb inside of it before using a pair of tweezers to gently move the vessel into the petri dish.

Just then, the door to the infirmary opened and Stormy walked in. "Hey, what's going on guys?" he asked them. "We're performing an operation to remove some parasites from Miss Lane," Dr. Virjay replied. "Cool! Can I watch?" Stormy replied. "Sure, just grab a seat over there," Sparks said as he pointed to the broom closet.

"But... that's the broom closet," Stormy said. "I know. There should be some folding seats in there," Sparks said. "Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?" Stormy asked him before walking over to the closet and opening it. He grabbed a folding lawn chair and propped it in front of a big monitor.

"Now, everyone watch closely as I inject the submersible into Jane's blood stream," Dr. Quinn said. "Ooh! It's amazing," Stormy said in awe. "I haven't done anything yet," Dr. Quinn said with a frown. "Oh," Stormy said as he looked down at the floor in shame. Dr. Quinn then injected Jane with the submersible, and Daria slowly made her journey through her friend's blood stream.

* * *

Daria looked at the controls of the submersible. "Okay, disable inverted controls," she said as she fiddled with the controls system. "Okay, here we go," she said to herself as she piloted the submersible through Jane's bloodstream. "There's the first one," Daria said as she soon came across her first parasite. It was a disgusting-looking cow beast, with a cap, gold earrings, and a diaper.

"What the hell?" Daria asked. " **Hey! I'm MC Pee Pants! Get outta my space, ho!** " the parasite roared. "The fuck?" Daria asked. " **Listen to my rap!** " The MC Pee Pants parasite sang. "Oh god, make it end!" Daria cried as she fired the submersible's mini lasers.

" **I is a parasiiiiaaeeeeayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrggh!** " the MC Pee Pants parasite cried out as it died. "One down, and... probably several hundred to go," Daria said as she maneuvered the vehicle onward, accidentally turning on the high-beams. "Oops," she said before turning them off.

She soon came across a cluster of MC Pee Parasites, all of whom were floating around and mooing. " **Hey! Hey! What's that thing!? What is it? I want it!** " the MC Pee Parasites hollered as they saw the submersible. " **Hey, you! Get outta that thing and give it to me! I need a new crib!** "

"Fuck off," Daria replied before firing a series of energy pulses at the parasites. The dirty cow monsters screamed before being vaporized. " **Hey! Don't be blastin' my homies like thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacck!** " another MC Pee Parasite cried out. "Why do these things sound like Hesh?" Daria pondered out loud.

* * *

"Why do the parasites look like cows?" Amy asked rhetorically. "Man, look at her go!" Stormy said as Daria blasted several more parasites with the submersibles guns. "She's on fire, baby!"

* * *

Daria soon came upon a wall of MC Pee Parasites, all of whom lunged at the submersible, swarming it. "Aah!" Daria cried as the submersible was tossed around by the monsters. She fell over onto the floor before climbing back up and returning to her seat. She grabbed the seat belt and latched it into place before activating the sub's flood lights, causing the parasites to back off. " **The light! The light burns us!** " they screamed.

Daria increased speed and rammed into several of the beasts, causing them to burst before turning the sub around and blasting them with lasers. "All talk and no... whatever the phrase ends with," Daria muttered. " **Get her!** " more MC Pee Parasites cried out as they entered the area and began to swarm Daria.

Several of them opened their mouths and horrible prehensile tongues shot out, wrapping around the submersible. Daria activated the first set of defenses, causing electrical current to shoot out and zap the bastards through their tongues, making their bodies explode. Daria moved the sub forward, fighting through wave after wave of MC Pee Parasites.

 **Six Hours Later...**

Daria wiped the sweat from her brow before looking at the huge cluster of MC Pee Parasites that had taken up residence in Jane's colon. "There are so many of them," she whispered to herself as she saw them swarming around. There were hundreds of MC Pee Parasites in the colon, forming giant spheres and rings around each other.

Daria prepped a small disintegration torpedo and fired it at a sphere, destroying over seventy MC Pee Parasites. The others soon stopped moving and all of them turned to look at the submersible. " **INTRUDER!** " they cried before shooting forward. The rapping cow monsters slammed into the submersible with tremendous force, sending it back towards the entrance of the colon.

Several more swam around behind the sub and slammed into it, pushing it into the first swarm, before a third swarm slammed into the sub from the side, sending it spiraling out of control and into the wall of Jane's colon. " **Yeah, beat his ass real good!** " the MC Pee Parasites chanted as they shot out several tongues and dragged the sub out of the wall.

Soon, hundreds of MC Pee Parasites formed a giant MC Pee Pants beast, which kicked the sub around, laughing as it did so. " **Not so tough now, are ya, bitch!?** " "Aah!" Daria cried as she was knocked around. " **Eat some of this!** " the Giant MC Pee Parasite exclaimed as it turned around and shat onto the sub. " **Ha-ha-ha!** "

* * *

"Daria!" Amy cried. There were several audible gasps as everyone saw Daria's predicament. "Daria, get up! Fight back! Fight him!" Amy yelled. Jane began to toss and turn, sweating and whimpering. "Come on, Daria, fight back!" Tom pleaded.

* * *

Daria groaned as she was bathed in a red light inside the sub. "I... I can't beat him. He's too powerful," she said sadly. " _Daria? Daria answer me!_ " Daria turned to look at a console with Dr. Quinn's face on the screen. "Dr. Quinn?" Daria asked. " _Listen, the submersible has a transformation mode. You can turn it into a fighting mech!_ " he said.

"I-I can?" Daria asked him. " _Yes! How many of those disintegration torpedoes do you have left?_ " Dr. Quinn asked her. "Only one," Daria replied. " _Then save it for the final blow. Daria, grab the controls and access the main programs menu. Then, go into the Modes sub-menu, and look for Combat Fighter Mode,_ " Dr. Quinn said.

Daria did as she was instructed. "Okay, I've found it. Now what?" Daria asked him. " _Get ready to kick some ass,_ " Dr. Quinn said. " _Activate the Combat Fighter Mode._ "

Daria activated the special mode, and the chair straightened out, causing her to move to stand up, as the seat belt was still attached to her. A pair of long gloves with cords and cables attached to them descended from the ceiling, and a pair of similar boots ascended and covered her legs and feet. Daria slipped her hands into the gloves.

A small robotic arm descended and tied a blue bandanna around her head. Daria raised an eyebrow at this. " _Looking great, Noriko-san!_ " Sparks said with a thumbs up. "Huh?" Daria asked him. " _Uh... never mind,_ " Sparks said. The sub soon rearrange itself and became bipedal, with mechanical arms and legs. Soon, the sub was bathed in a blue glow. " _Optimus,_ " Daria whispered with reverence for no apparent reason.

[Begin action montage, set to The Touch, by Stan Bush]

 **You Got The Touch!**

Daria glares at the Giant MC Pee Parasite, along with all of the other parasites swimming around.

 **You Got The Power, Yeah!**

Daria shoots forward, and the Giant MC Pee Parasite looks at her.

 **Awesome Guitar and Instrumental Portion Plays.**

Amy, Sparks, Stormy, Tom, Dr. Virjay, and Dr. Quinn all watch with pride and wonder as Daria moves the mech on the screen.

 **After All Is Said And Done,**

Daria brings one of the mech's fists back.

 **You've Never Walked, You've Never Run, You're A Winner!**

Daria slams a mechanical fist into the rap beast, causing its eyes to widen at the force of the blow.

 **You Got The Moves, You Know The Streets,**

Daria spins the mech around and kicks the giant MC Pee Parasite in the groin.

 **Break The Rules, Take The Heat, You're Nobody's Fool!**

Daria fires some small energy pulses from a port on the mech's left arm. Giant MC Pee Parasite roars in fury.

 **You're At Your Best When The Going Gets Rough,**

Several MC Pee Parasites swarm the mech.

 **You've Been Put To The Test, But It's Never Enough!**

Daria glares at the swarm.

 **You Got The Touch!**

Maneuvering the mech out of the way, Daria fires several lasers at the parasites.

 **You Got The Power!**

Some MC Pee Parasites slam into the sub, sending it spinning.

 **When All Hell's Breaking Loose, You'll Be Riding The Eye Of The Storm!**

Daria fires several lasers at the parasites, killing them. Several more parasites form make a giant fist that swats at the mech.

 **You Got The Heart,**

The mech is sent back, but Daria brings it back and produces an energy blade from the mech's right arm.

 **You Got The Motion!**

Daria flies up, slicing through the giant fist with the energy blade.

 **You Know That When Things Get Too Tough,**

Daria grins before a swarm of parasites form a giant foot and kick the mech.

 **You Got The Touch!**

Daria scowls as she turns the mech around and fires the energy pulses from the left arm.

 **Awesome Instrumental Portion.**

Amy stands up and cheers. Dr. Quinn fist-pumps. Stormy eats some popcorn.

 **You Never Bend, You Never Break!**

Daria grabs a parasite and slams it into another one.

 **You Seem To Know Just What It Takes,**

Daria kicks a parasite while firing lasers at another one.

 **You're A Fighter!**

Two parasites gang up on the mech and slam into each other when Daria moves it out of the way.

 **It's In The Blood, It's In The Will!**

Daria strikes a cool pose and fires a series of lasers at the Giant MC Pee Parasite, causing it to roar in pain.

 **It's In The Mighty Hands Of Steel, When You're Standin' Your Ground!**

A dozen parasites swarm at Daria, who moves the mech out of the way and kicks two of them before grabbing a third one and throwing it at another one. She then kills them all with lasers and energy pulses.

 **And You Never Get Hit When Your Back's To The Wall,**

Daria dodges an attack from two parasites.

 **Gonna Fight Till The End, And You're Takin' It Aaaaallll!**

Daria ducks the mech and lunges upward, hitting a parasite with an uppercut.

 **You Got The Touch!**

A swarm of parasites push the mech back into the colon wall. Daria grimaces.

 **You Got The Power!**

Daria moves the mech forward and grabs a parasite before ripping it in half. The other parasites scream in terror.

 **When All Hell's Breaking Loose, You'll Be Riding The Eye Of The Storm!**

Daria slams a mechanical fist into a parasite, punching right through it and grabbing another one before breaking its body. She pulls the mech's arm back and destroys the corpses with lasers.

 **You Got The Heart!**

Giant MC Pee Parasite kicks the mech, sending it flying back, before Daria sends it flying upward to avoid hitting the wall of the colon.

 **You Got The Motion!**

Daria fires several lasers at the Giant MC Pee Pants.

 **You Know That When Things Get Too Tough...**

Daria moves to punch the head of the Giant MC Parasite, but it knocks the mech back.

 **You Got The Touch!**

Daria snarls at the beast.

 **Awesome Instrumental Portion.**

Daria flies the mech forward, firing all weapons. The Giant MC Pee Parasite roars in anger before several more parasites form a giant middle finger and slam into the mech. Daria proceeds to rip the parasites to pieces with the mech.

 **You're Fightin' Fire With Fire!**

Daria kicks several more parasites out of the way.

 **You Know You Got The Touch!**

Several parasites latch onto the mech.

 **You're At Your Best When The Going Gets Rough,**

Daria performs a back flip to shake them off of the mech.

 **You've Been Put To The Test, But It's Never Enough!**

Dozens of parasites extend their grotesque tongues and wrap them around the mech. Daria activates the electric discharge attack, killing them.

 **You Got The Touch!**

Daria folds her arms across her chest, causing the mech to do the same.

 **You Got The Poweeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!**

Daria extends her hands, and the mech does the same.

 **YEAH!**

Daria fires several lasers and energy pulses and a cable at the Giant MC Pee Parasite. She then sends an electrical discharge attack at it. The filthy cow beast roars in pain.

 **You Got The Touch!**

Daria grins.

 **You Got The Poweeeerrrrrrrrrrrr!**

Daria opens the port for the disintegration torpedo.

 **Touch!**

"Rap about this, asshole," Daria quips.

 **Awesome Instrumental Portion**

" **N-No! My destiny! You cannot... destroy... my... destinyyyyy!** " Giant MC Pee Pants cries out at Daria launches the torpedo. It roars in agony as it thrashes around in death throes. " _ **My... Destinyyyyy!**_ " it rasps out one last time before completely disintegrating.

 **Music Fades...**

Jane opened her eyes and looked around the infirmary. Daria was standing next to her. "H-Hey, Dar," Jane said groggily. Jane tried to sit up, and Daria put her arm on her back to help her. "Thanks," Jane said. "So, feeling better?" Daria asked Jane. "Yeah... a lot better," Jane said. Daria pulled Jane into a hug. "I love you," Daria said to her. "I know," Jane said as she returned the hug before kissing Daria on the lips.

Five minutes later, Sealab exploded.

* * *

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

Author's Notes: Yes, I included The Touch by Stan Bush, because why the hell not? It's fucking awesome!

* Yes, I am a fan of Firefly.


	6. Waking Daria

**Lawndale 2021**

 **SDCU-0001-AAAA**

* * *

Episode 034 [3-06]: Waking Daria

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Thursday, April 12th, 2022

Daria Morgendorffer looked down at the food on her plate. "Are you sure that this is edible?" she asked Quinn. "Daria, this is something that Stacy made for us. She isn't Dad," Quinn retorted. "I hope you like it," Stacy said.

"Well... I'll give it a try," Daria said reluctantly. She used her fork to spear what looked like a potato or something, and then she brought it into her mouth. She chewed carefully, contemplating the odd taste of the exotic dish that Stacy had prepared. Scanning the plate, she also saw tiny bits of gray and brown matter. If she had to guess, she would assume that those were pieces of mushrooms, and when she chewed on them, they seemed to feel that way as well.

The rest of the meal seemed okay, but as she finished her plate, Daria felt a slight tingling sensation in the back of her mind. She didn't feel dizzy, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary around her. Shrugging her shoulders, she headed off to her room and prepared for an early sleep.

* * *

Date: Friday, April 13th, 2022

Daria Morgendorffer woke up with a strange sensation in her head. Blinking her eyes, she looked around and saw that she was swimming in the ocean. _What the hell?_ She tried to move her arms, only to realize that she now had fins and a tail.

 _Oh, I get it. This is just a bizarre dream_ , she thought to herself as she saw another fish swim towards her. "Hey, we need to get to the reef," the fish said. "Uh-uh. I have to wake up soon. I have school in two hours," Daria said.

"Yo, I ain't playin' wit you. We gotta get to the reef, or else Sea Baum Beach Ball is gonna get all up in our grills," the fish said. "Sure... white-ass cracker," Daria muttered in contempt for the fish speaking to her. He was wearing a business suit that his fins protruded from, and he had glasses on his face. He looked at her in confusion before swimming away.

"I _seriously_ need to wake up soon. I don't wanna deal with anymore white guys talking like stereotype rap video gangstas. It's just too damn much." "Hey, Darius, I need your help," said a fish with an odd face. "My name is Daria," Daria corrected him. "I don't care what you call yourself, but there's an important case I need your help on, and since you just got released from jail again, maybe I can get you in good standing with the guys down at the Special Victims Pocket, or my name isn't Mackerel T," Mackerel T said.

"Oh. My. God," Daria said in disbelief. "Why am I having such a bizarre-wait... those mushrooms in Stacy's special meal! What kind of mushrooms were those? Those... _were_ mushrooms, right? I get it now. I'm having a bizarre dream caused by food poisoning," Daria said to herself.

* * *

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Amy asked Dr. Virjay. "I do not know at this time. It is too soon to tell," Dr. Virjay replied as he looked at the comatose girl lying in the hospital bed in front of him. "What could have caused this?" Amy asked. "Perhaps I could take some blood samples to find out. Maybe something that she ate or drank could have affected her. I will hook up some equipment to monitor her brain waves," Dr. Virjay said.

* * *

Daria continued to swim around, searching for some way out, before she came upon a strange sight. Two divers were swimming around a large container of toxic waste barrels near a submersible. " _Did they tell you why, Stormy? Why they want to give me my own command?_ " Commander Li asked Stormy.

" _Yes. They said you were extremely brilliant, and that your methods were amazing,_ " Stormy replied. " _Are they? Are my methods... amazing?_ " Li asked him. " _I don't see any method. I see skill and instinct,_ " Stormy replied.

Angela smiled at Stormy and then moved closer to him. She started moving her hands up and down his wet-suited body. " _Commander Li, what are you_ _ **doing!?**_ " Stormy asked her. " _Shh! Just let it happen,_ " Angela whispered.

"Oh, god! I can't watch this! I'm gonna throw up," Daria cried out. Stormy and Angela both snapped their attention to the Daria-fish. " _Demon fish!_ " Angela cried out in horror as she grabbed a spear gun. Stormy grabbed a rock and threw it in Daria's direction, but due to being underwater, this didn't work out very well.

What's more, the rock that Stormy picked up had been lodged under a boulder on the ridge next to them, causing said boulder to fall over, knocking over a barrel of toxic waste, which then spilled into the ocean. " _Oh no!_ " Stormy cried out as he and Commander Li retreated into the submersible. "Uh-oh," Daria said as she swam away from the toxic waste.

She swam as fast she could, not realizing that she had entered a dark cavern. Turning around, Daria saw the cavern's entrance begin to close. She had accidentally swum into the mouth of a whale. "Oh hell!" Daria cried out as the whale swallowed her whole.

She found herself in pitch blackness, unable to see anything. Eventually, she found a match and a matchbox. "What the?" she asked herself as she realized that she had changed into a buxom blonde wearing a string bikini. "Okay, I feel really weird now," Daria muttered as she looked around the stomach of the whale.

"Hey, Clee Toris," someone called out. Daria turned her head to see a talking Doberman Pinscher. "Who are you?" Daria asked the dog. "I'm Blast Hardcheese!" the dog said with a smile. "What did you say my name was?" Daria asked the dog. "Clee Toris. Guys love you, and so do a lot of women, too. Your show is the number one rated show on Cinemax," Blast replied.

"Right. So, Slab Bulkhead, how do I get out of here?" Daria asked him. "Hey! _I'm_ Slab Bulkhead," shouted a large Rottweiler. Two other dogs showed up, one being a Cane Corso, and another being an Irish Setter. "I'm Flint Ironstag," the Cane Corso said. "And I'm Butch Deadlift," said the Irish Setter.

"Together, we are the Kennel Crusaders!" Blast Hardcheese declared. "Huzzah!" the other dogs applauded. The belly of the whale soon began to rumble. "Uh-oh! We need to get out of here! Clee, follow us," Flint Ironstag exclaimed.

* * *

"How long will it take for her to wake up?" Jane asked Dr. Virjay. "I do not know right now, but the brainwave monitor is showing unusual activity," Dr. Virjay replied. "Oh, how could this have happened!?" Quinn asked in distress. "I am not sure. Although a blood test that I've conducted seems to show traces of Bizarrium, a hallucinogenic chemical derived from various types of mushrooms, most notably Bizarriosus Mindscrewis," Dr. Virjay explained.

"What does the mushroom look like?" Quinn asked him. "It has a similar appearance to Amanita Muscaria," Dr. Virjay replied. "What does _that_ look like?" Quinn asked Dr. Virjay. "It is the basis of the power-up mushrooms of the Mario games," Dr. Virjay said. Quinn blinked in confusion. "It is large, red, and has white dots on it," he explained to her. "Oh," Quinn said.

"Quinn!" Stacy said as she entered the infirmary. "I came as soon as I heard about Daria's condition. Is she going to be all right?" Stacy asked Quinn. "Stacy, what kind of mushrooms did you put in that meal you gave her last night?" Quinn asked her. "Why is that important?" Stacy asked her in reply. "Just tell me, please," Quinn retorted.

"I used these mushrooms that Hesh sold to me for ten dollars. Why?" Stacy replied. "Hesh? As in Hepplewhite? The annoying guy who works in the reactor room?" Jane asked her. "That's the one," Stacy replied. "Stacy, what did those mushrooms look like?" Quinn asked her.

"They were bulbous, red, and had little white dots on them," Stacy replied. "Stacy, those mushrooms were, like, hallucinogenic and stuff! When Daria went to sleep after eating them, she must've starting having bizarre dreams and now she won't wake up! She might even be in a coma!" Quinn cried. "No! What have I done!?" Stacy cried out in guilt and sorrow.

"Well, you can find Hesh and bring him here, along with his mushrooms," Dr. Virjay suggested. "That way, I can find a way to synthesize an antidote or at least identify the mushroom in order to find a proper treatment," he explained. "Come on, girls, let's go," Jane said as she exited the infirmary.

* * *

Daria leapt onto a giant mushroom and bounced into the air before landing on the higher ground. The talking dogs had already advanced toward a strange door that was standing in the middle of a clearing away from the edge of the cliff. Daria raised a blonde eyebrow at the sight. "Hey, Clee, go ahead and open the door. Our paws can't turn that knob," Slab Bulkhead said.

"A strange door attached to nothing in the middle of a field? Gee, why _not_ open it?" Daria asked sarcastically. She grabbed the knob, turned it, and pulled the door open, revealing a large stage and an auditorium full of people.

" **Welcome to the Chubby Cox TV Award Ceremony!** " announced a man in a suit on the stage next to Daria. "The _what!?_ " Daria asked him. He pointed to the large banner above them. " **The Chubby Cox Award Ceremony, named after hit TV star Chubby Cox!** " the host explained with a grin.

"Oh," she said as she saw how the name was spelt. "Um, out of curiosity, who's Chubby Cox?" Daria asked the host. " **Why only the most popular TV actor ever! Women love Chubby Cox, and men want to** _ **be**_ **Chubby Cox!** " the host told her enthusiastically. "Is that right?" Daria asked him. " **Absolutely!** "

Daria sighed as she looked around the auditorium at the audience. She glanced back at the host and saw the award sitting on a table behind him. Seeing just what the award looked like, Daria frowned. "Somehow, I'm not surprised," she muttered.

* * *

"Hesh knows nothing!" Hesh Hepplewhite stated with his arms crossed over his chest. "You sold those mushrooms to me three days ago!" Stacy snapped at him. "Did not! You have no proof that Hesh sold anything to you," Hesh retorted. "Hesh, Daria's in a coma right now because of the mushrooms that you sold to Stacy," Jane said with a dangerous tone.

"Hey, even if I _were_ to have _hypothetically_ sold those mushrooms to Stacy, it still wouldn't be my fault for what happened to Daria, because I ain't the one who fed the mushrooms to her, now am I?" Hesh replied. "Dammit Hesh! Just tell us where you got the mushrooms from!" Quinn snapped. "Hesh has already stated that he knows nothing," Hesh said firmly.

Just then, the door opened and Stormy entered the recreation room with a wheelbarrow. "Hey, Hesh, I got the next batch of mushrooms for ya, freshly picked! Do I get my money now?" Stormy asked him. Hesh began to sweat and fidget nervously as he glanced back and forth between the girls and the wheelbarrow. "Uh... uh... um... [gulp]... uh, Hesh, uh, doesn't know what you're talking about, Stormy," Hesh lied nervously.

"Sure you do," Stormy said. "We've been doing this for a week now! I even have camera footage from Commander Li's office to prove it," Stormy added obliviously. "St-Stormy, Hesh knows not of what you speak!" Hesh lied.

"Wait, how did you get camera footage from Commander Li's office?" Jane asked him. "I just walked in and grabbed it," Stormy said simply. The three girls stared at him in disbelief and confusion. "They just... let you walk in there without any supervision!?" Quinn asked him in shock. "Sure!" Stormy replied with a smile.

* * *

Date: Tuesday, April 10th, 2022

Stormy walked into the Sealab Security Center with a smile on his face. "Let's see, Hesh said to make sure that the camera footage was wiped clean, but I forgot to bring my cleaning equipment, and he didn't say which type of cleaner to use," Stormy said to himself quietly as he walked into the main reception area. "Um, hi, do you know where you guys keep your security footage and stuff?" Stormy asked the man at the counter.

"Yeah, sure, it's back that way," he said with a gesture while reading a magazine. "Cool, thanks," Stormy said as he walked through the hallway and into the archives room. He exited the room ten minutes later with a bag full of discs and tapes. "Thanks," Stormy said cheerfully as he passed the receptionist.

"Uh-huh," the receptionist said without paying attention. Stormy walked away and left the security center. The receptionist was soon alerted to a commotion behind him. "Hey, someone took all of our confiscated porn! Who would _do_ such a thing!?" The receptionist shrugged his shoulders and returned his attention to his magazine.

* * *

Date: Friday, April 13th, 2022

"Stormy, where did you pick those mushrooms from?" Jane asked him. "Oh, I found them near the vaporators and in the agriculture section," Stormy replied. "Places where moisture would ensure their growth," Jane whispered to herself. "Stormy, can we please borrow some of those mushrooms?" Jane asked him.

"I don't know. Hesh said to deliver them directly to _him_ , and that _he_ would give them to people," Stormy replied thoughtfully. "H-Hesh is innocent! Hesh said no such thing and knows NOTHING!" Hesh lied frantically. "But, Hesh, you told me to deliver the mushrooms to you!" Stormy insisted. "Liar!" Hesh screamed at him.

Quinn retrieved a small zip-lock bag from her uniform and grabbed some mushrooms from the wheelbarrow, stuffing them into the bag and zipping it shut. "There, now we can return to Dr. Virjay," Quinn said. "H-Hey, you need to pay for those!" Hesh cried out. "But I thought you had nothing to do with this?" Jane retorted.

"I, uh, I... Aaaahhh!" Hesh cried out in frustration while the three girls walked away. "Hey, are you feeling okay, Hesh?" Stormy asked him. "Shut up!" Hesh retorted.

* * *

"Hmm, yes, these will do just fine," Dr. Virjay said as he examined one of the mushrooms. "Can you help Daria now?" Jane asked him. "Well, there _is_ a remedy for the effects of the chemical, called Plumberis Mariosus, but it is recommended to give it to the patient while they are conscious, and Lieutenant Morgendorffer is currently asleep, meaning that I will have to inject her with the serum instead of giving her the tablet," Dr. Virjay said.

"Hey, I just noticed something," Stacy said. "Huh?" Quinn asked her. "Where's Dr. Quinn?" Stacy asked. "Oh, he is currently on a short vacation. He will be back on Monday of next week," Dr. Virjay said.

* * *

Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn sighed in a relaxed manner as he laid back on his sun chair. "Ah, now this is the life," he said as he sunbathed near the pool of a luxurious resort. Sitting back next to him, Debbie Dupree nodded her head. "Damn straight," she said with a smile.

* * *

"I'm sure that Dr. Quinn would have access to some kind of advanced mini sub or something we could use to fight the chemicals," Jane said. "Um, no. The chemicals must be treated with proper medicine. They are not rapping cow parasites," Dr. Virjay stated.

"Now, I must warn you that, while Plumberis Mariosis will definitely work, it is highly recommended that you do not feed her anything other than crackers and chicken noodle soup for at least three days after she wakes up. All other methods of treating this mushroom intoxication are out of the question, as it has been longer than four hours since ingestion," Dr. Virjay stated.

* * *

Daria stared at the sight before her with eyes full of horror. A large shaved grizzly bear was wearing a thong and bikini while doing a pole dance. "Yeah, shake it baby!" a patron yelled out before the grizzly bear grabbed him and devoured him on the stage. The bear then resumed its pole dance to the delight of the other patrons.

"I was wrong. I'm not having a bad dream," Daria said with a frown. "I'm in hell. That's the only explanation for this," she said to herself. "Hey, Clee Toris!" Daria turned her head to see Blast Hardcheese and the other talking dogs approach her. "Blast? What are you doing here?" Daria asked him.

"We are always here, and everywhere," Blast replied. "Um... okay," Daria said. "And, first of all, my name is _Daria,_ " Daria said. "Sure, Clee," Slab Bulkhead said in a non-serious manner. "I mean it. That's my real name. Use it," Daria said. "Whatever, Clee Daris," Slab Bulkhead replied. Daria narrowed her eyes at him.

* * *

"No, stop!" Slab cried out as the shaved bear danced in front of him. Slab had been tied up in a sitting position on a chair. "N-No!" Slab exclaimed as the bear gyrated its hips and swayed in front of him. "S-Stop! This is disgusting! Someone, help me!" Slab barked out in terror.

"Now," Daria said slowly, "What is my name?" "Make it stop!" Slab barked. "Wrong answer! What's my fucking name!?" Daria asked the scared canine. "It's Clee! Clee Toris!" Slab barked. "Wrong answer again!" Daria retorted.

She slowly began walking away, taking the other talking dogs with her. "Do you think he'll be all right?" Butch Deadlift asked. "Nooooooooooooo!" Slab cried out as the shaved bear now began giving him a lap dance. "Who cares?" Daria replied.

After finding an exit, Daria saw a train station. Something about the train tugged at her senses, something familiar. She made her way over to the train and stepped inside one of the passenger cars. "It's a-you, a-Daria!" a slender plumber wearing a red shirt with blue overalls exclaimed. Daria looked at the plumber, noticing that, despite his mustache and cap, something about him was very familiar.

"Do I know you?" Daria asked him. "Of-a course you do!" the plumber said before ripping off his mustache, revealing himself to be Elsie Sloane in disguise. "Elsie?" Daria asked her. "Yup," Elsie replied. "What are _you_ doing here?" Daria asked her.

"I'm here to help you wake up," Elsie replied. "Wake up? You mean... I'm _not_ in hell?" Daria asked her. "No. You're just in a coma brought on by a hallucinogenic chemical compound found in a toxic mushroom," Elsie replied. "Oh. Okay then," Daria replied uneasily.

"So, how did you get here?" Daria asked Elsie. "I'm an echo, left here by your memories. A few minutes ago, Dr. Virjay injected you with a serum to counteract the effects of the mushroom's chemicals. You'll be waking up in about an hour, and then you'll be puking your guts out and crying from horrible stomach pain," Elsie explained.

"Are you part of the serum?" Daria asked her. "No, but I _was_ woken up by it. Elsie leaves echoes of herself in everyone she meets or at least speaks to. Of course, since most mortals cannot withstand Elsie's true voice, our presence can become pointless, but for someone such as yourself, who _is_ capable of hearing her voice and not suffering, we are a valuable aid when your mind is in danger," Elsie explained.

"Oookaaaay," Daria said, nodding her head. "So, once the serum begins clearing out your system, you should stay in here. Things out there are going to get... um... horrible," Elsie said. "How horrible?" Daria asked her. "You're really better off not knowing," Elsie replied. Daria raised an eyebrow and turned around, slowly walking toward the train door, opening it to see a most terrible sight.

Two dozen shaved grizzly bears, wearing thongs, were dancing sensually while several tigers with trumpets sticking out of their asses were playing a tune. Daria's jaw dropped in shock and dismay. Looking up, she saw that several clouds in the sky had frowning faces and were beginning to melt.

"Cleeeeeee!" Daria turned her head and saw the talking dogs' flesh melting away from their bodies and several bony wings began extending from their backs. " _Mama, I don't feel the pain no more!_ *" Butch Deadlift sang. " _Oh my god,_ " Daria gasped in horror as she closed the train doors and fell back to the floor.

"What the hell is going on!?" Daria cried out in terror and confusion. "I told you; the serum is taking effect and the mushroom's toxins are being cleansed from your body," Elsie explained to her. "But why is _that_ the way it works!?" Daria asked her. "Um... I don't know, it just is," Elsie replied with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Why? Why is this shit happening to _me?_ " Daria asked herself. "You ate a poisonous mushroom," Elsie said. A moment of silence passed before either of them spoke again. "Hey, Daria... wanna play patty-cake?" Elsie asked her.

* * *

"Amy," Sparks said as he gently shook her shoulder, "Wake up." "Huh?" Amy asked as she groggily opened her eyes. "Is... is Daria awake yet?" she asked him. "Amy, she's _been_ awake for some time now. You dozed off after returning from your shift," Sparks said to her.

"Oh. Where is she now?" Amy asked him. "Um... she's over in the infirmary bathroom. That, uh, serum really makes her get everything out," Sparks said. "I see," Amy said. "No you don't, and believe me, you don't want to," Sparks said. Amy chuckled. "That was awful. Seriously, that was just awful," she said with a smile.

"Where are Jane, Quinn, and Stacy?" Amy asked him. "The girls? Oh, they're with Commander DeMartino and Hesh right now," Sparks replied. "What are they doing with Hesh?" Amy asked him. "They're, oh, teaching him a valuable lesson," Sparks replied with a smirk.

* * *

In the moon pool of Pod 04, Hesh Hepplewhite was tied to a rope attached to a chain on a crane. Below him was a pool holding a barracuda that had recently entered the pool. "Now, cluck like a chicken!" Quinn demanded with a grin. "W-What!?" Hesh cried out. "A **chicken** , _now!_ " Quinn demanded as she began pushing the crank and lowering Hesh. "Oh my god! B-Bok! Bok! Bok!" Hesh clucked.

"This is what happens when you fuck with a Barksdale woman, Hesh!" Quinn exclaimed with a gleeful laugh. "But Stacy was the one who fed-Ah! Bok-Bok! Fed the mushrooms to your sister!" Hesh cried out in terror. "You still sold them to her after knowing that she intended to cook them, and you _knew_ that they were dangerous!" Jane called out.

Commander DeMartino watched the proceedings with an amused smile on his face as he leaned back against the wall of the room. "Now, bark like a dog!" Jane demanded. "A dog!?" Hesh asked. "Do it now, or you're fish food!" she snapped with a malicious grin on her face. "Ah! Arf! Arf! Arf! Please, someone help me! Arf! Arf! Arf!"

"Heh, serves ya right," DeMartino muttered to himself. Meanwhile, Stacy was watching Hesh's predicament with a large grin before she starting singing to herself. "Hmm... la-la la la-la, la-la la la-la..."

* * *

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

The next episode takes place after another brief time skip, and this time, we get to meet a character whose very existence brings the crew of Sealab to question the laws of time and space... and Christmas... and Mars.

*This is a reference to the ending song from The Plague Dogs. A sad, depressing, and beautifully animated movie. Holy shit is it dark and depressing, though. Seriously, it may look like a kid-friendly adventure movie on the box art, but this film is not for the faint of heart, especially not if one is a dog-lover, such as myself. It also features the voice of Patrick "Captain Picard" Stewart as an army colonel or something. Oh, and one of the film's animators was Brad Bird, the same Brad Bird who would direct The Iron Giant.


	7. Christmas In July

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 035 [3-07]: Christmas In July

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 and Aqua Teen Hunger Force are property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 **Laboratory of Dr. Weird, South Jersey Shore...**

"Gentlemen! I have finished my nap! Now, to unveil my latest creation!" Dr. Weird announced as he walked into his lab. "Uh... oh, that's what you were doing?" Steve asked the doctor. "Yes, Steve! Although I did use the toilet as well. Anyway, behold!" Dr. Weird announced as he pushed a button on his main console.

A large door opened and a strange humanoid figure became visible as the fog flowed out of the room. "Whoa, where did this fog come from?" Steve asked. "Why it came from your mother, Steve! Ah-ha! Ah-ha!" Dr. Weird replied.

Steve frowned, but Dr. Weird paid him no mind. "Come forward , my creation!" Dr. Weird implored as a man-sized robot with a duck bill exited the closet room where Dr. Weird kept his inventions. "Now, invention 118, perform your function and _rip_ Steve in half!" Dr. Weird ordered with glee. "Say what!?" Steve shouted.

"Performing function 10292002!" the robot announced in a stereotypical flat monotone robot voice, before the voice suddenly changed. " **It was thousands of years ago, in the future, when-** " "Bad robot!" Dr. Weird shouted as he pelted the robot with oranges. "Uh, hey! Those are mine!" Steve whined. " _Were_ yours, Steve! Now they're mine! Quick, get the axe!" Dr. Weird ordered him.

"Oh, I'll get the axe alright," Steve said with a frown as he walked away. "Take that, and that, and that!" Dr. Weird yelled as he threw more oranges at the machine. " **Please, stop interrupting my tale!** " the robot begged. The robot then began to glow, before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"Oh my god," Dr. Weird whispered before looking at the orange in his hand, and then back at the spot where the robot had been, and then back at the orange. He smiled. "Oh, Ste~eve!"

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Wednesday, May 5th, 2022

" _Chopper Dave, look out!_ " Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer turned her head to see Commander Jodene Sparks watching TV on one of his consoles. "Should you really be doing that?" Daria asked him. "I don't know. Should _you_ be reading Playgirl at your console when you think nobody is looking?" Sparks retorted.

"Touche," Daria said with a nod of her head. " _Premiering this Saturday, Chopper Dave IV: The Trail of Cherokee Jack!_ "* "Ooh," Sparks commented as he watched the trailer for the TV movie. Just then, one of the doors slid open and Captain Murphy walked inside the room.

"Okay, I want to know who did it," Murphy said firmly. "Did what?" Daria asked him, suspecting that his Happy Bake Oven had once again gone missing. "Don't play dumb with me, Lieutenant Morgendorffer," Captain Murphy retorted. "Captain, we seriously have no idea what you're talking about," Sparks said.

"Oh yeah, then who painted the main cafeteria in this pod with blood!? There's blood all over the place," Murphy explained. "Blood? Are you sure it's blood?" Daria asked him. "I know the smell and look of blood when I see it," Murphy said, briefly remembering an incident in his early days when a pack of killer mutant Trilobites had been unleashed by an underwater research facility. _Murphy! The axe! Get the axe! Muuurrrphhyyyyyy!_

"Murphy!" Sparks shouted. "Eh, huh?" Murphy asked, disoriented. "Captain, you spaced out there for a minute," Sparks said. "Oh, did I?" Murphy asked him. "Yes," Daria replied. "So, anyway, who painted the cafeteria with-" "Okay, who the hell covered the cafeteria in blood!?" Debbie Dupree asked angrily as she stormed into the bridge.

"Good question! Trying to evade suspicion by acting innocent, well I won't buy it," Murphy said wit a frown as he glared at White Debbie. "What are you talking about?" Debbie asked him with irritation in her voice. "Oh, you know darn well what I'm talking about," Murphy retorted.

"He means the blood," Daria said. "Thank you, but I'm asking the captain why he's accusing _me_ of doing it," Debbie replied. "You aren't the first person on his list," Sparks commented from his post. "He accused the two of you as well?" Debbie asked them. "Yup," Daria replied.

"Well, how do we find out where the blood came from and who put it there?" Daria asked rhetorically. "Well, we could always see if Dr. Quinn is willing to help out. I mean, he _has_ been back from his vacation for a while now," Sparks suggested. "Yes, good idea," Murphy said.

* * *

"My god," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said with a gasp. "This is _elven blood!_ " he announced dramatically. "Um... elven blood? As in blood from elves?" Daria asked him. "Yes. Just look at the DNA analysis on the computer screen," he said. Everyone leaned forward to look at the large monitor, including Stormy, who had been helping Dr. Quinn with an experiment before the others had arrived and persuaded him to examine the blood in the cafeteria. "Um... elves don't exist," Daria said. "Neither should human/shark hybrids, but, um, Marco, uh, found a way," Sparks commented.

"Yeah, and and if elves don't exist, then why is there _elven blood_ all over the damned cafeteria?" Murphy asked her. "Yeah!" Stormy said. Daria frowned. "There must be some kind of logical-well, _some kind_ of explanation," Dr. Quinn said. The door to Dr. Quinn's lab slid open and Lieutenant Amy Barksdale walked in. "Okay, whose runaway robot is this?" she asked in an annoyed tone.

Walking in behind her was a humanoid robot with a metal Mohawk and a duck bill. " **And then they fought back, flinging their waste with much ferocity,** " it said. "I don't care about any of that," Amy snapped at it. "Just shut up for five minutes," she added.

"Um... that isn't my robot," Dr. Quinn said. "Well, you're the only person here with the skills to actually plan out and build this kind of thing from scratch," Amy said. "That's true, but it still isn't mine," Dr. Quinn said. "Well then who does it belong to?" " **I belong to no one. For I am the eternal spectre of the holiday season,** " the robot stated.

Everyone stared at the robot, confused and bewildered. "Um... the what?" Daria asked it with an uncertain tone. " **I... am the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past... From the Future!** " it announced. "The _what!?_ " Captain Murphy asked it. " **I am the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future,** " Cybernetic Ghost repeated.

Captain Murphy blinked. "The _what?_ " he asked again. " **I am** -" "Okay, we get it. You're a robot ghost of... Christmas past... from... the future," Dr. Quinn interjected. "Um, can we get back to the mystery of the elf blood?" Debbie asked. " **I can explain that,** " The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future said.

"Okay, let's hear it," Daria said. " **You may want to get some snacks. This is going to be a long story,** " The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future said. "No, I'll listen," Daria said. "Speak for yourself," Sparks said. "I'm getting some food. Anybody else want anything?" he asked as he stood in the doorway. "Um... I'll have some Doritos," Amy said.

"Anyone else want something?" Sparks asked. "I'll have some cupcakes, with blue icing on them," Captain Murphy said. "Uh... what type of cupcakes?" Sparks asked him. "Red Velvet. I have some in my quarters, but if you touch my Happy Bake Oven, I'll rip your fucking arms off and shove them down your throat," Captain Murphy said. "And I'll have some BBQ potato chips!" Stormy chimed in.

"Gotcha," Sparks said as he left the room. " **Anyway. THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claws. He was an ape-like creature who made crude and pointless toys out of dinosaur bones and his own waste.** "

Daria raised an eyebrow. " **He would hurl these toys at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands while howling and snarling. He did this regardless of how the chimp creatures behaved the previous year. These so-called toys were** _ **buried**_ **as witches and defecated upon! They were then hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts and howls of the children! It was not a very holly jolly Christmas that year, for many were killed,** " Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future explained.

"My god, that's _horrible!_ " Murphy exclaimed. " **Yes, it was,** " Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future said in agreement. "Man, Christmas really sucked!" Stormy exclaimed. "Okay, but how does that explain-" " **I wasn't finished! You should have gotten a snack!** " Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future said, interrupting Daria.

" **A war-like race of elves from the red planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa-ape! He forced them to make his confusing toys using galactic elfin technology, for evermore sanchianardos! Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like... _train_ , and... _ball_. But, these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon! Christmas still sucked,** " Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future said.

"That... was just horrible, and it still doesn't explain-" "Hey, I'm back," Sparks said as he re-entered the room. He handed out snacks to everyone, including a bag of glazed mini-donuts for Daria. "So, what did I miss?" Sparks asked Amy. "Nothing important," she replied. "Okay," Sparks said. "So, why is there elf blood in our cafeteria?" Daria asked the robot. " **Thousands of years ago, the ice had made the globe innavigable. Santa-ape did not know what a** _ **north pole**_ **was. How could he? He was born before science existed!** " Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future proclaimed.

" **Because of this, he arbitrarily placed his workshop... right here,** " Cybernetic Ghost explained. " **It was long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon in front of the Great Red Ape! He** -" "Wait, wait, wait. _Who_ unionized?" Daria asked. " **Wouldn't you like to know? Probably your mama,** " the robot said.

"Wow, that just makes me feel all kinds of sad inside," Stormy said. "I mean, all those kids being forced to play with toys made out of bones and feces. And then finding out that their doo-doo toys are also witches and stuff. That's like, harsh," Stormy said.

"Um... how could Santa's workshop be placed right here... under the ocean? Look, I know that plate tectonics cause the continents to shift over time, but this spot right here was still ocean thousands of years ago, so no land mass in its place," Dr. Quinn said skeptically. "Yeah, that's kind of important," Daria chimed in.

"Yeah, and how did the unevolved Santa-ape conquer the technologically advanced martians in the first place?" Amy asked the robot. The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future stared at them before raising one of his mechanical hands. " **But the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation!** " he exclaimed.

"Yeah, we heard that part, but how does that explain the elf blood in the cafeteria?" Daria asked the robot. " **Thousands of years ago** -" "Shut up!" Daria snapped. "You still haven't explained why the cafeteria is covered in elf blood!" " **I believe I did when I told you about the Great Circuiting,** " Cybernetic Ghost said. "You didn't mention any Great Circuiting!" Amy stated angrily.

" **I didn't?** " the robot asked. "No!" Daria replied. " **Oh. Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him...** " Three hours passed by and Daria was woken from her sleep by Amy. "Huh? Did I fall asleep?" Daria asked Amy. Amy nodded her head. She looked over at the robot, who was just finishing his story. " **And that is where babies come from... for machines,** " the robot finished.

"Holy crap!" Murphy exclaimed. "So, what did I miss?" Daria asked. "Oh, well, it turns out that the Santa-ape was turned into a machine after the elves rebelled, and there was a war, and Sealab is built on an elfin playground," Stormy said. " **Graveyard. It is an elfin** _ **graveyard,**_ " Cybernetic Ghost corrected him. "Yeah, and so we've, like, desecrated it by being here, and that's why there's blood all over the place. That's also where machine babies come from... I think," Stormy explained.

Daria stared at Stormy in disbelief and confusion for a full sixty seconds before regaining her senses. She scowled at him and then turned to the robot. "BULLSHIT!" Daria exclaimed. "Uh, yeah, I have to agree," Dr. Quinn said. "Hey, don't shout at the Christmas robot!" Murphy snapped at the two sane people. "Why not? Everything he says is bullshit," Dr. Quinn retorted.

" **You do not believe?** " Cybernetic Ghost asked them. "Believe what? Believe that an unevolved ape-creature enslaved an entire race of technologically advanced beings? Or that the figure known as Santa, who is based on various figures throughout history, is some kind of red-haired ape?" Daria asked him. " _ **Was**_ **an ape. Now he is a machine!** " Cybernetic Ghost stated. "W-What?" Daria asked, taken back. "Yeah, he got turned into a machine after the elves rebelled," Stormy said.

"So people have been telling their children to leave cookies and milk out for a machine?" Daria asked skeptically. " **What? No, he's an ape,** " Cybernetic Ghost said. Daria raised an eyebrow. "I thought you just said he was a machine," Daria noted. " **No-I mean yes! You made that statement to trick me,** " Cybernetic Ghost replied.

"So... how do we get rid of this robot?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "I don't know. I don't even know how he got here in the first place. Where did you meet it?" Dr. Quinn asked Amy in response. "I encountered it in Pod Eight, while I was fixing a broken light near one of the elevators. It just walked over to me and started talking, and it wouldn't shut up," Amy explained.

Both of them were interrupted when they heard Daria's argument with the robot reach a boiling point. "So where did the blood come from!?" Daria asked. " **I told you! I am the one who haunts the sacred resting place of the rebellious elves,** " the robot replied. "That's it," Dr. Quinn said before he grabbed a shovel off the floor and walked over behind the robot, smacking it in the back of its head.

" **Ouch,** " it said before falling over and shutting down. "Hey... why didn't you do that earlier?" Amy asked him. Dr. Quinn scratched his head. "Uh... I really don't know," he replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "Is he going to be okay?" Murphy asked as he looked at the fallen robot on the floor. "Well, since he _is_ a robot, I should think so," Dr. Quinn said.

"So... what do we do with it?" Daria asked. "We could melt it down into spare metal to use for various things like support beams and stuff," Stormy suggested. Everyone paused and looked at him with curiosity. "That's... actually a plausible idea," Dr. Quinn noted. "Except... we don't have anything to melt him down," he said.

"We could try to find out where it came from," Daria suggested. "Not a bad idea. Let's see if I can hook up my computer system to his main processor and find out who or what put him together," Dr. Quinn said. "Are you sure that your computer system will be compatible with this thing?" Sparks asked him. "No, but it's worth a shot," Dr. Quinn replied.

* * *

 **Laboratory of Dr. Weird, South Jersey Shore...**

"Uh-huh," the police officer grunted while writing on his note pad. "And, uh, it had some kind of metal Mohawk, I guess," Steve said. "And it just, uh, vanished, according to Dr. Weird?" the officer asked him. "Well... yeah. And then Dr. Weird began pelting me with oranges," Steve replied.

"Any, uh, any idea why?" the officer asked him. "Um, do you mean the robot disappearing or Dr. Weird throwing oranges at me?" Steve asked him. "Yes," the officer replied. Steve stared at the officer with a frown. "No. I have no idea whatsoever," Steve said. "I see. Well, I guess I'll be going," the officer said as he turned around.

"Oh, before I forget, here's your parking ticket," the officer said as he turned around and tore a page out of his notepad, handing it to Steve. "Parking tic-" Steve looked down at the ticket, seeing that it was actually a crude drawing of a platypus that the officer had made instead of taking notes. The officer turned around again and walked away. Steve stared at the drawing of the platypus before sighing in frustration. "I hate my life," Steve muttered to himself.

Dr. Weird came up to him and looked over his shoulder. "Are the police looking for my missing robot?" Dr. Weird asked him. "Uh... sure," Steve replied. "What's that in your hand?" Dr. Weird asked before he snatched the paper out of Steve's hands. "Uh, Doctor, I can-" "Gentlemen, behold! I have found my next experiment!" Dr. Weird announced dramatically as lightning flashed in the sky above the lab, followed by thunder.

"Quickly, Steve!" Dr. Weird called out as he walked away. "To the zoo! Ah-ha-ha-haaa!" Steve sighed and silently followed Dr. Weird to the elevator that led to the lab's parking garage.

* * *

 **Back Down In Sealab...**

"What have you found?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "Well, it would seem that the person who put this thing together was either a complete genius, or a complete wacko," Dr. Quinn replied with a sigh. "Is there really much of a difference?" Debbie asked him. Dr. Quinn frowned at her. "Yes, actually. In fact, there are plenty of differences," Dr. Quinn said.

"So, what do we do with it?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn. "Well, give me some time, and I _might_ be able to reprogram it," he replied. "Are you sure?" Amy asked him. "Not one hundred percent, but I can still try," he replied. He then began working in earnest to try to reprogram the robot.

Five hours later, Dr Quinn stood tall and proud as he finished his work. He looked over at the clock. "Aw man, everyone's probably asleep right now. I'll have to show it to them tomorrow," he said, disappointed. "Oh well. Time for bed," he said as he shut down his lab and left the room.

* * *

Date: Thursday, May 6th, 2022

On the bridge, Dr. Quinn stood next to The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future, beaming at everyone with a grin. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... the Cybernetic Chef of the Kitchen!" he announced proudly. The robot was wearing an apron to complete the effect. "So it can cook now?" Captain Murphy asked him.

"Indeed it can!" Dr. Quinn replied with a smile. "Cool! Can it cook thing from the future and stuff?" Stormy asked. "Um... no," Dr. Quinn said. "Oh," Stormy said, deflated. "Hey, that thing ain't gonna replace all of our chefs, is it?" Marco asked Dr. Quinn. "No. The Cybernetic Chef of the Kitchen will merely be a back up unit for when someone gets sick or the kitchen needs a really thorough cleaning, since it won't get sick from highly concentrated cleaning agents," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Ah, okay then," Marco said. "Um, exactly where did this robot come from? Is it something that you built entirely on your own?" Commander Angela Li asked Dr. Quinn. "Well, first off, I don't really know where it came from, and secondly, I pretty much just reprogrammed it," Dr. Quinn replied.

"So, is there any risk of its owners coming down here looking for it?" Commander DeMartino asked him. "I... don't know," Dr. Quinn replied. "Interesting. Can we have a demonstration of its abilities?" Commander Li asked. "Sure," Dr. Quinn replied. "Cybernetic Chef, please demonstrate your knowledge of cooking," Dr. Quinn said.

The robot turned its head to look at Dr. Quinn, before staring at the grill and cooler next to it. " **I shall now cook frankfurters on a grill,** " it said, before it retrieved a pack of hot dogs from the cooler and placed them on the grill. "So, how many different recipes are inside of it?" Amy asked.

" **I contain thousands of recipes,** " Cybernetic Chef said. "Damn right you do," Dr. Quinn said with a nod of his head. " **Cooking is an ancient and powerful art, with a rich history found throughout cultures all over the planet,** " it said. Dr. Quinn raised an eyebrow.

" **THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of the electricity, there was an ape-like creature, call Sir Chef of Kitchen. He made crude meals out of plants and animal waste, throwing them onto crude clay plates with his crinkled hands, which were then defecated upon by his patrons!** " Dr. Quinn gulped. Everyone else on the bridge stared at the robot in confusion.

" **And then the elves came from the red planet, and the unevolved Chef creature enslaved them, forcing them to make kitchens and restaurants. He made them create strange dishes and new food items, using galactic elfin technology, creating new utensils for eating, with names like... spoon, and knife.** " Amy smacked her forehead.

" **Hot dogs were created by galactic elf police, hiding on Earth as kitchen workers, hoping that the meat products they created would kill the Chef-ape, and allow them to free their brethren!** " "Why does this sound familiar?" Murphy asked himself.

The robot then stepped away from the grill and began to glow, before it vanished from sight with a puff of smoke. Everyone stared at the small burn mark on the ground where the robot had just been standing. "What the hell just happened?" Daria asked in confusion. "You know, at this point, I don't even care," Amy said while shaking her head in frustration.

* * *

 **Laboratory of Dr. Weird, South Jersey Shore...**

"Uh-huh. Yeah, just the one hoagie," Steve said into his phone. "Um... I guess I could get an extra mayo packet," Steve said with a nod of his head. "Okay, so that's seven dollar and fifty cents? Right. I'll pay in cash when it gets here. Uh-huh, bye," Steve said before hanging up the phone. Dr. Weird was busy grafting metal limbs onto a platypus in one of his experiment rooms. Soon, there was a bright flash of light, and the Cybernetic Chef of the Kitchen was standing in front of him.

"Whoa! Hey, Doctor Weird! The robot came back!" Steve called out. " _I'm_ _ **BUSY,**_ _STEVE!_ " Dr. Weird replied. "Okay," Steve said with a shrug of his shoulders. " **I am the Cybernetic Chef of the Kitchen!** " the robot announced. " **Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of the fast food industry...** "

* * *

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

Once again, I'm sorry for taking so long. The next episode of Lawndale 2021 will feature Helen Morgendorffer as a primary character, with Captain Murphy being put on trial for... reasons, I guess. Anyway, think of the next episode as a pilot or test run of the Helen Birdwoman idea that I'm planning.

*This is a reference to the Red Zone Cuba, which was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, aka the greatest TV show ever made.


	8. The Trial Of Hazel Murphy

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 036 [3-08]: The Trial of Hazel Murphy

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

In the office of Helen Birdwoman, located in the upper floors of the main building of Sebben & Sebben, Helen "Birdwoman" Morgendorffer neatly shuffled several papers into a folder. Just as she was checking her watch, the door was flung open. "Birdwoman!" he boss, Phil Ken Sebben, said loudly, startling Avenger.

"Oh, Mr. Sebben," Helen said. "Yes, I also go by Phil, anyway, I have a brand new taking that needs case on, you're just the do it to lawyer!" he said, speaking very fast. Helen blinked at him several times while trying to make sense of his words. "Um... can you say that again, just... a little slower, perhaps?" she asked him politely.

"Sure! Ahem, I have a new case that I think you would be perfect for," he said. "Oh," Helen said. "Yes. Now, here's a case file with everything you need, and-hey, where's Peanut?" Phil Ken Sebben asked as he looked around the room. "Oh well. I was gonna have him help me wash the laundry of that old lady who lives across the street from me. I'll just find someone else," Phil said as he closed the door, revealing Peanut, who was holding his nose in pain.

"Geez, and I thought he was loopy _before_ he accidentally killed Birdman," Peanut said as he grabbed some tissues from Helen's desk. "He did _what?_ " Helen asked, having been told before that Birdman was killed when a bus ran over him. "Yeah, Phil was the one driving the bus, since he was wearing his eye-patch over his good eye, meaning that he drove on the wrong side of the street and hit Harvey by mistake," Peanut explained.

"I thought that Peter Potamus and Birdgirl had already explained this to you," Peanut said with a slightly quizzical tone. "Um, Birdgirl and I... haven't really had much of an open dialogue since my arrival," Helen said. "Oh..." Peanut said. "And Potamus?" he then asked her. "Um, how should I say this? I respect him as a co-worker, but I find myself unwilling to be alone with him for extended periods of time because he can't keep his hands to himself," Helen replied.

"Hmm, I see," Peanut said thoughtfully. "And... _why_ do I still have to wear this damn costume?" Helen asked him. "Oh, come on; it isn't _that_ bad! You get wings that let you fly, and you get these cool little wrist gauntlets with neat abilities," Peanut said. "The wings are part of the costume, and they are _heavy!_ " Helen complained.

"Hmm, oh yeah. Well, you'll just have to develop a lot of muscle and hope your back adjusts to them, I suppose," Peanut said. "Gee, thanks. You're _so_ helpful," Helen said sarcastically. "I know," Peanut replied with a smile. "And besides, the costume looks good on you," Peanut said. "You really think so?" Helen asked him. "Sure," he replied simply.

Sighing and forcing a smile onto her face, Helen looked at the case file that had been given to her by Mr. Sebben. Opening it up, she began reading it out loud, until she came across one of the witness names. "D-Daria!?" Helen gasped out loud. "Ooh, someone you know?" Peanut asked her. "My... my daughter," she said. "Oh. Hmm, that could cause a conflict of interest for you," Peanut noted.

"Oh, and Phil gave me this case in person. Dammit!" "Hmm, that _is_ problematic, I guess," Peanut said. "Oh, what do I do?" Helen asked. Avenger cawed. "You're right, Avenger. I need to handle this professionally. Even if Daria, Quinn, and Amy are all part of this, I still need to be impartial and professional," Helen said. Avenger nodded his head.

An hour later, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," Helen called out. The door opened and a man wearing a blue uniform stepped inside, along with four other people, one of whom was her new client. "Hello, Mister Murphy," Helen said with an outstretched hand. "Hello there," Captain Hazel "Hank" Murphy said as he shook her hand.

"I'm Helen Birdwoman. I'll be your defense attorney for this case," Helen said. "I see," Murphy said. "Um, would you like to sit down?" Helen asked as she motioned her guests towards the chairs in front of her desk. "Sure," Murphy said. He and a few others walked over and sat down. "So, Mister Murphy-" "Actually, I don't mean to be rude, but I prefer to be called Captain Murphy," Murphy said.

"Okay. So, Captain Murphy. The exact details on this case have been slightly vague, but apparently you're being sued for reckless endangerment," Helen said. "Oh, I thought it was because I kept unfairly accusing people of stealing my Happy Bake Oven," Murphy said. "Well, you _do_ do that a lot," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said. "Yeah, a lot," Amy Barksdale chimed in. "Well, it just keeps going missing!" Murphy retorted.

"That's because you never put it away properly," Amy snapped at him. "She's right," Jodene Sparks said. "Oh, of course! Amy's _always_ right, isn't she?" Murphy retorted with disdain in his voice. "Heaven forbid someone question the wisdom of mighty Amy! Thou shalt have no other gods before Amy! Big Amy!" Murphy ranted.

"Ahem," Helen said as she cleared her throat. "Oh, sorry about that," Murphy said. "So, um... Captain Murphy, let's get-is something wrong?" Helen asked as she noticed that Amy was staring at her. "Hmm, you look familiar," Amy said with suspicion in her voice. "I am _not_ Harvey Birdman, if that's what you're thinking," Helen said.

"No, it's not that," Amy said. "Then what is it?" Helen asked her. "You just... look and sound like someone I know," Amy replied. "Well, isn't that interesting?" Helen replied with a nervous chuckle. "You even have the same first name," Amy said. "Hey, Birdwoman," Peter Potamus said as he opened the door to her office.

"Um, I'm with a-" "Did you get that thing I sent ya?" he asked her. "Um, that's not important right-" "But did you get it!?" Potamus asked. "No! Now, get out!" Helen shrieked at him. Peter quickly closed the door as he ran away.

"Okay, I lost my train of thought," Helen said as she sighed. "Where were we?" she asked the group. Peanut cleared his throat. "Um, you were about to tell Lieutenant Barksdale here that you are _not_ her sister," Peanut said slyly. "Of course. Thank you. Anyway, Despite your suspicions, I am _not_ your sister," Helen said firmly, while maintaining her focus on the group as a whole instead of on Amy specifically.

"Um... I never said that you were my sister," Amy said. "Oh, you didn't?" Helen asked her. Amy shook her head. "Never mind then. Now, let's get down to business, Helen said. "Hey, I just realized something," Sparks said. "Yes?" "Who's in charge of Sealab while we're up here?" he asked.

"Oh, Captain Shanks is in charge right now," Murphy said. "Are you sure that Commander Li won't try to usurp him or anything?" Amy asked. "Sure. DeMartino's been given temporary authority of Acting-Captain until we return," Murphy replied. "Works for me," Dr. Quinn said.

* * *

 **Sealab...**

Acting-Captain Anthony DeMartino growled as he filed paper after paper. "Dammit, didn't Captain Murphy do _anything_ that he was supposed to do!?" DeMartino shouted angrily as he looked at the dates of the papers. "Jesus! Half of these are from DECEMBER!"

* * *

Date: Thursday, May 19th, 2022

"Okay, let's look at the evidence," Helen said as she and Peanut looked over several folders and files full of incident reports from Sealab. "Okay, we have reports of him tying several crew to chairs on the bridge while... questioning them on the whereabouts of his Happy Bake Oven!?" Helen asked in confusion.

"Uh-huh," Peanut said. "Ooh, look at this one! During a shortage of coffee, he had all of the people suffering from caffeine withdrawal taken into a stadium and then forced them to fight each other," Peanut said with subtle glee.

"Defending this man is going to be difficult. Is the case about all of these combined, or is there a specific incident that occurred recently?" Helen asked Peanut. "Actually, the accusation is being made by one Val of VAL Magazine," Peanut said. "Say what?" Helen asked. "Mmhm. In fact, last year, Miss Val took a trip down to Sealab and came back in a coma. She just woke up recently," Peanut said.

"So... how did she end up in a coma?" Helen asked. "Well, according to her testimony, a young girl named Elsie Sloane put her in a coma by... oh get this, by _speaking,_ " Peanut said with a smirk. Just then, the door to the office opened. "Birdwoman!" Phil Ken Sebben said as he walked into the room.

"Hello, Mister Seb-uh, what are you wearing?" Helen asked as she saw him wearing a polo shirt with dark colors and jeans without a belt. "I'm wearing what's _hip_ and _in_ with today's youth. Gotta' attract the younger generation to ensure continued success," Phil said. "Um, why would you think that those are what's... in?" Helen asked him. "Oh, this lady named Val told me," Phil said.

"Hmm, and you're sure that she knows what she's talking about?" Peanut asked him. "I mean, fashion trends do change," he added. "Are you sure that what you're wearing isn't... out?" he asked Phil.

"Believe me, I am _in!_ Ha-ha! In touch with current fashion trends, of course," Phil said with a grin. "So, anyway, good luck with the case! I need to go update the rest of my wardrobe," Phil said as he walked into the wall. "Dammit! Three feet to the left. Three feet to the left," he repeated as he made his way out the door.

* * *

Date: Friday, May 20th, 2022

Everyone was currently in the courtroom. Captain Murphy was sitting at the front defendant table with Birdwoman, while Val of VAL Magazine was sitting at the table with Myron Reducto. The judge had yet to appear in the room. For a moment, Helen hoped that it would be Judge Mightor, especially given that it was 12:30 pm.

Soon, the door for the judge opened and a green man floating in the air entered the room, causing Helen to frown. "Beeoooo-weeeeoooo!" he said with a grin as he planted his feet onto the ground next to a Bailiff. "Okay, settle down," he said before he snapped his fingers and vanished in a puff of smoke. He then reappeared in the judge's chair.

"I am Mentok, the Mind-Taker!" he announced. "We know," the Bailiff said with a sigh. "Now, I already know the outcome of this case, but I also really enjoy letting things play out for my own amusement. So, Judge Mentok orders this hearing to begin!" he declared dramatically.

Myron Reducto cleared his voice before stepping forward from the desk. "Ahem, I would like to make the first-BACK OFF! Anyway, I would like to begin by first reminding everybody of just why we are here today," Reducto said as he looked around the room.

 _Good. I don't recognize any of these jurors. No repeats like when Birdman was here. I miss Birdman_ , Reducto thought to himself before noticing that his tie wasn't straight. He took a few seconds to straighten it out before resuming his speech. "Ahem, my client, Miss Val of VAL Magazine, has gone through excruciating suffering and a horrible coma as a result of the criminal negligence displayed by one Captain Hazel Murphy, of Sealab," Reducto said.

"As a result, I would like to call to the stand... Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn," Reducto said. Dr. Quinn soon found himself in the stand. "Now, Doctor Quinn, is it?" Reducto asked. "Yes," Dr. Quinn replied with a nod of his head. "Now, on the date of Thursday, July 26th, Miss Val arrived at Sealab," Reducto stated.

"And then, later that same day, she left Sealab... in a COMA!" Reducto stated. "I didn't interact with her," Dr. Quinn said. "Is that true?" Reducto asked him. "Yes," Dr. Quinn replied. "I have nothing further to ask," Reducto said. Dr. Quinn raised an eyebrow and shrugged his shoulders.

* * *

 **Sealab...**

"HESH! You moron!" Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III cried out as he sprayed a control console with a fire-extinguisher. "Hesh is not at fault here!" Hesh retorted. "Like hell you aren't!" Upchuck shouted at him. "Why would you cover the console in that stuff!?" Upchuck asked him.

"Come on, the sales guy said it was greased lightning! Hesh thought it would make the machinery work faster," Hesh said. "Well, you only used it on the one console, right?" Upchuck asked Hesh. Another control console exploded into flames. "Goddammit!" Upchuck cried out. He turned to Hesh and grabbed him by the throat before throttling him.

"I hate you, Hesh! I hate you so fucking much!" Upchuck cried as Hesh tried to pull his hands off of his throat. "H-Hesh needs help!" Hesh rasped out. "Graahh!" Upchuck exclaimed in anger and rage.

* * *

"Now, Lieutenant Barksdale, is it? Anyway, Lieutenant Barksdale, can you please tell the court, exactly how safe is Sealab?" Reducto asked Amy. "Um... in general?" Amy asked in response. " In general, for starters," Reducto said. "Well, most of the time, it's rather safe," Amy replied. "I see," Reducto said.

"Now, on the following dates in question, such as December 16th through December 18th, was Sealab safe?" Reducto asked her. "Um..." "According to testimonies, those were the dates of a severe shortage of coffee throughout the facility, during which widespread chaos erupted amongst Sealab's residents," Reducto said.

"It eventually settled when the next shipment of coffee arrived," Amy said. "Yes, indeed. But, wasn't the cause of this disaster a lack of foresight by the person _responsible_ for those supplies being ordered?" Reducto asked her. "Um... technically, yes," Amy replied.

"And who was in charge of ordering those supplies?" Reducto asked her. "Um... Captain Murphy," Amy replied. "Thank you. I have no further questions for you at this time," Reducto said. Helen then stood up and walked forward. "Now, Lieutenant Barksdale, while it is true that unfortunate events do occur in Sealab, would you say that these are the norm or perhaps exceptions?" Helen asked Amy.

"Um... I wouldn't say unfortunate so much as strange or bizarre," Amy replied. "Really? Could you, perhaps, describe some of these incidents for the court?" Helen asked her sister. "Well, there was an incident where a dimensional portal opened and several alternate universe versions of ourselves took over the station. This happened twice, and on both occasions, Captain Murphy... allowed them inside the station," Amy said.

"Um, anything else?" Helen asked Amy. "Well, there was also an incident where Godzilla escaped from Mt. Mihara, and we had no knowledge of it because Captain Murphy... didn't think it was important," Amy said with a defeated sigh. "And... there was that time he bought that Gloot and it multiplied out of control and... I'm not doing so good with defending him, am I?" Amy asked. "Were any of those incidents related to the one with Miss Val?" Helen asked her. "Um... no," Amy replied. "Then don't fret," Helen said.

* * *

 **Sealab...**

"I'm not sure whose ass I should kick first," Acting-Captain DeMartino said angrily as he looked at the scorched surfaces of the reactor room. "Um... kick Hesh's," Upchuck said as he pointed a finger at the other man. "Fuck you, Ruttheimer," Hesh spat, before Upchuck punched him in the face. "Ow! Hesh is in pain!" Hesh cried. Upchuck smirked. "Good!"

* * *

"Commander Jodene Sparks," Reducto said as he paced back and forth. "Would you personally describe Sealab as a safe environment?" Reducto asked. "Are you kidding me? That place is a fuck-I mean, it's a tinder box on stilts. If I had a dollar for every time something went wrong or the place just up and exploded, I'd be a rich man," Sparks replied. "I see. Could you perhaps describe some of these incidents for the court?" Reducto asked him.

"Well, there was this time that several of us got trapped in a closet because of a broken door, and then some starving dogs that Captain Murphy had rescued from Guatemala escaped and ripped Stormy and Commander Li to shreds," Sparks said. "Interesting, but was this recent?" "No, this happened last year," Sparks replied. "Last... _year?_ Commander Sparks, there is are incident reports from Commander Li herself dated from _this year_. Care to explain that?" Reducto asked him.

"Um... I don't know how to explain the way it works. Sometimes the place blows up, and we're all fine the next morning, like nothing ever happened," Sparks said. Reducto raised an eyebrow in bewilderment. "Um... ooohhhkaaaaaaaaayyyy," Reducto said.

"Oh, that is just _fascinating!_ " Mentok commented. "I should probably read your minds to see these memories. In fact, I think I will!" Mentok said. "Um, is that legal?" Sparks asked the judge. "Only if no one knows I'm doing it," Mentok replied. "But, we know that you're doing it right now," Sparks said.

"Mentok COMMANDS YOU... to forget that I said anything," Mentok said. "Um... okay," Sparks said with a shrug of his shoulders. Mentok then silently began reading Sparks' mind. _Holy crap! This guy has a HUGE criminal record! I mean, selling drugs to kindergartners!? Damn, this guy has no shame at all_ , Mentok thought to himself.

"Now, tell me, Commander Sparks," Reducto said. "Is it not true that you have a criminal record?" Reducto asked him. "It is true. I'm currently still serving me sentence," Sparks said with a smile. "And yet... you are in charge of one of the most important stations in Sealab: communications! Would that not describe some sort of negligence on the part of Captain Murphy when giving you that assignment?" Reducto asked him.

"Eh, maybe," Sparks replied. Mentok continued probing his mind. _Hmm... what the hell!? This guy has a fucking island fortress somewhere!? With a full compliment of henchmen and robot animals to do his bidding? I like this guy_ , Mentok thought in regard to Sparks.

"I have no further questions," Reducto said. Birdwoman then stood up and approached Commander Sparks. "So, Commander Jodene Sparks, just how often would you say that Sealab experiences these destructive incidents?" she asked him. "Oh... every other week, I suppose," Sparks replied. "I see, and yet, somehow, everything usually returns to normal after such destruction, correct?" Helen asked him.

"That is correct," Sparks replied. "In that case, what can you tell us about the incident in question, involving Miss Val of VAL Magazine?" Helen asked him. "Um... she was a narcissistic vapid attention whore," Sparks replied with a chuckle. "Objection!" Val exclaimed. "Miss Val, that is my line," Reducto said to her. "Anything else?" Helen asked him.

"Well, I know that Lieutenant Junior Grade Morgendorffer spent most of the afternoon with Miss Val, and if anyone knew what happened, she would be the person to ask, along with Commander Li, but they didn't come with us to the surface," Sparks replied. "I see," Helen said with a hint of frustration in her voice.

"Although... I do have recordings of the security footage that Commander Li keeps in her office. Being in charge of communications means that I have access to those records, since they _do_ involve the use of our communication systems," Sparks said. "Is that true?" Helen asked him. "Probably," Sparks replied.

"I see. Since this security footage was already cleared to be used in the courtroom, we shall proceed," Helen said as she walked over to a TV that was on a cart and pulled it to the middle of the room. She popped the DVD into the player and saw a menu come up. "Um... why do you have a menu with the word BLACKMAIL in it?" Helen asked Sparks. "You don't know Commander Li the way I do," Sparks replied.

"Um, is the footage located in the ARCHIVES section, or the BLACKMAIL section?" Helen asked him. "Um, in the archives section," Sparks said. "The BLACKMAIL section has Commander Li violating multiple privacy laws," Sparks said. "Ahem, please show us the footage related to the case," Mentok said.

Helen searched through the ARCHIVES section and found the video of 07/26/2021, before pressing play on the remote. The minutes went by as the footage played. " _I'm sorry, Val, but Dolphin assured me that he would be on his best behavior,_ " Helen heard her daughter say. " _Hey, Val, I know another person, who's actually around my age, who might appreciate meeting you,_ " Daria said.

The rest of the incident played out, although there was no footage from inside the Sloane residence, and the video ended when Val ran out of the home unit, screaming before collapsing onto the floor. "Now, as we can clearly see, Captain Murphy did _not_ cause this to occur," Helen said.

"Objection!" Reducto said. "Your honor, while Lieutenant Morgendorffer and Elsie Sloane are both directly responsible, one cannot dismiss the fact that Captain Murphy _knew_ about Miss Sloane's dangerous abilities and said nothing of it to my client, leaving her unprepared for an encounter with the girl," Reducto said.

"Hmm, you know, he _does_ have a good point," Mentok said as he looked at Helen. "Let's move forward with another witness. I want to know _more_ about Sealab," Mentok said with glee. "Although... those guys had school in July?" Mentok asked. "They were catch-up classes, since moving Lawndale's population to Sealab started in May, causing several classes and tests to be missed," Sparks replied.

Mentok raised an eyebrow and began reading Sparks' mind, finding that Daria Morgendorffer and Commander DeMartino both had told him this information. "I, Mentok the Mind-Taker, know that Reducto will call... Dr. Quinn to the stand next!" Mentok declared. _He's right_ , Reducto thought to himself.

* * *

"Doctor Quinn," Reducto started, "You have known Captain Murphy for a great deal of time, have you not?" "I have," Dr. Quinn replied. "In that case, how seriously does he take his job?" Reducto asked him. "I would say that Captain Murphy takes his job as seriously as he's capable of taking it," Dr. Quinn replied.

"I see, and has he ever taken preventative measures to ensure the safety of guests at Sealab?" Reducto asked him. "Um... not really," Dr. Quinn replied. "I see. How aware of Miss Elsie Sloane's voice was Captain Murphy at the time of Miss Val's visit to the station?" Reducto asked him. "I'm not entirely sure," Dr. Quinn replied.

 _I don't get it_ , Mentok thought with a frown on his face. _I can't read his mind or anything! Why can't I read his mind!? I don't seen him wearing any foil on his head_ , Mentok noted as Reducto cross-examined Dr. Quinn. "Now, Doctor Quinn, with Captain Murphy being the highest ranking officer in Sealab, surely he must have some basic security protocols in place?" Reducto asked him.

"Actually, they were put in place by the United Nations Security Council," Dr. Quinn replied. "I see, and just how many times has disaster befallen Sealab under Captain Murphy's watch?" Reducto asked him. "Well, first off, let's get something straight. Captain Murphy is not the only person in charge of Sealab. There is also Captain Shanks, who is in charge of Pods Nineteen through thirty-six," Dr. Quinn said.

"Very well. Now, under the watch of these two men, how many disasters have befallen Sealab, be they complete destruction or otherwise?" Reducto asked him again. "Well, I'm going to make an educated guess of a minimum of forty-seven," Dr. Quinn replied. "Forty-seven... is the _minimum!?_ As in... the number that is the _smallest?!_ " Reducto asked, freaking out before turning around and firing his shrink ray at someone in the back. "Oops," Reducto said quietly.

"And how many of these occurred after the immigration of Lawndale's citizens?" Reducto asked him. "Uh... at least between twenty or thirty," Dr. Quinn replied. "No further questions," Reducto said. Helen moved forward. "Now, Doctor Quinn, according to Commander Sparks, despite the severity of these incidents, Sealab still returns to normal rather quickly. Is that correct?" Helen asked him.

"Yes," Dr. Quinn replied. "Keeping that in mind, does it then not seem as though a mere coma could then be seen as a trivial matter if Sealab were to get destroyed and return to normal the next day?" Helen asked him. "I... suppose, but I think it only works when you're _in_ Sealab," Dr. Quinn said.

"Right, but Val was inside of Sealab when she entered her coma, correct?" Helen asked him. "Yes, but she left Sealab shortly afterward, and she was only in Sealab for a few hours at the most," Dr. Quinn said. "I see. So... this means that the destruction and normalcy of Sealab..." "Would have had no effect on her coma whatsoever," Dr. Quinn finished for her. "I see. I have no further questions," Helen said.

Mentok cleared his throat. "Okay, everybody, time for lunch. I'll see all of you back here in an hour," Mentok said before vanishing in a puff of smoke. Everyone else looked at their watches and listened as their stomachs growled.

* * *

"Oh, at this point, the verdict could go either way," Helen said to Reducto as they ate their sandwiches at The Birdcage. "Indeed," Reducto said. " **Here is your milkshake,** " a robotic voice said. Helen looked up to see a strange humanoid robot with a metal Mohawk and a duck bill setting a tall glass down in front of her.

"I don't... think I've seen this guy around here before," Helen said as the robot turned around and walked away. "Oh, him? He's the Cybernetic Chef of the Kitchen, or something like that," Reducto said. "He was given to this place by some guy over in Jersey," Reducto added as an afterthought.

"For free?" Helen asked. "No, they had to pay the guy over five thousand dollars, but they definitely got their money's worth," Reducto said. "Whatever you do, don't ask it for its name or for any history lessons related to food or cooking in general," Reducto said, remembering an incident a week earlier when the robot had gone on a spiel about elves and ape-creatures and how they were responsible for the creation of the party platter.

However, another patron _had_ just asked the robot such a question, and so Helen and Reducto listened to the machine blabber while finishing their food. " **-which caused many children to rebel, forcing their parents to negotiate with the Burger Lord, which led them to create the elaborate distraction now known as... the ball pit,** " the robot said. Helen raised an eyebrow as the robot continued its nonsensical ramble.

* * *

"Okay, now that everyone is back from lunch, we can resume our trial," Mentok said after everyone had filed into the court room. Reducto stepped forward. "Ahem. I would like to call to the stand... Captain Hazel Murphy," Reducto said.

"Now, Captain Murphy, how long have you served as the man in charge of Sealab?" Reducto asked him. "Didn't we already mention Shanks also being in charge?" Murphy asked in response. "Oh, yes, I believe you did. Still, how long have you been in your... _position_ in Sealab?" Reducto asked him.

"Oh, quite a while. At least since the mid 2000's," Murphy replied. "I see, and how many psychiatric evaluations have you undergone in that time?" Reducto asked him. "Several," Murphy answered. "And what did they say about you?" Reducto asked him.

"Well, I don't think I ever received any of the reports back," Murphy replied. "No?" Reducto asked him. "Not that I'm aware of," Murphy said. "When was the last evaluation for you?" Reducto asked him. "Oh, that was about a month ago," Murphy said. "Indeed. So, these evaluations have taken place at regular intervals?" Reducto asked him.

"Uh, well, I did have to cancel two of them because of... I don't remember what it was, but I did make them up," Murphy said. "I see. Now, on the date of Miss Val's visit, were you at all aware of Miss Elsie Sloane's abilities?" Reducto asked him. "Well, I'd heard rumors, but there were never any confirmed reports given to me by anyone," Murphy replied.

"No? Tell me, are you not in charge of security for Sealab?" Reducto asked him. "Actually, Commander Angela Li is the chief security officer of Sealab," Murphy replied. "Oh, is she?" Reducto asked him. "Yup. She's always whining about how someone's uniform was a violation of regulations or something unimportant, so I kind of just tune her out when she reports to me about anything," Murphy said.

"I see. Now, had you begun to tune her out by the time Miss Val had arrived at Sealab?" Reducto asked him. "Uh, no. I didn't start tuning her out until at least a month later. 'Oh! That person's cuff link is one inch longer than allowed by regulations!' This person's gloves were not approved her usage by whoever! Blah-Blah-Blah! Like I care about something minor and trivial like someone's cuff links... or cuffs... or gloves," Murphy said.

"Interesting," Reducto commented. "Yeah, and besides, the Sloanes live in Pod Twenty-One! That's Shanks' jurisdiction," Murphy said. "But doesn't Elsie Sloane attend the... New Lawndale High school with the other youth in Sealab?" Reducto asked him. "No. She attends the New Fielding Prep school... place, which is located in Pod Twenty-One as well. My jurisdiction extends only as far as Pod Eighteen and mixed duties in Pod Nineteen with Shanks, who shares some light duties with me in Pod Eighteen as well," Murphy replied.

"So, was Captain Shanks informed of Miss Sloane's dangerous voice by Commander Li at any point before the visit?" Reducto asked him. "Um... I don't know. I never asked him about that, and he never mentioned anything about it to me either," Murphy said. "Interesting. Did you ever ask Commander Li for reports on any persons with dangerous abilities afterwards?" Reducto asked him.

"Um, yes, actually. She told me that she would send reports to me as soon as she had completed them, but I don't think I ever received any from her," Murphy said. "I see. Now, Captain Murphy, have you ever deliberately ignored warning, violated safety regulations, or deliberately put the lives of your crew at risk?" Reducto asked him.

"Uh... " "Think carefully, Captain, because that video is still admissible," Reducto said. "Which video?" Murphy asked him. "The one we were just watching two hours ago," Reducto replied. "Oh, that one. Well uh... yes," Murphy replied. "I see. Would you like to explain any of these incidents to the court?" Reducto asked him.

"Objection! Those incidents have no relevance to the case at hand," Helen said. Mentok sighed in frustration, having seriously wanted to see those videos. "Agreed. The videos have no relevant connection," Mentok said. "Very well. I have no further questions," Reducto said. Helen then stood up and walked over to Murphy.

"Now, Captain Murphy. You say that Commander Angela Li, former Principal of Lawndale High, is the current head of Security in Sealab?" Helen asked him. "I'm pretty sure," Murphy replied. "And, did she know about Elsie Sloane's voice before the visit?" Helen asked him.

"I... don't know. She never said anything to me about the girl being a potential risk before Miss Val visited us. And anyway, Commander Li was with Lieutenant Morgendorffer and Miss Val when they toured Sealab. If Li knew about Miss Sloane, why didn't _she_ say anything to Miss Val when they went to visit the girl?" Murphy replied. "Interesting. Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, did you hear that? The person in charge of keeping Sealab safe, Commander Angela Li, had not informed my client of the dangerous abilities displayed by Miss Elsie Sloane before the visit, thus preventing my client from being able to take any precautions or even warn Miss Val about the girl," Helen said.

"Do you have anything else to add, Miss Birdwoman?" Mentok asked her. "No, your honor," Helen replied. "Very well. The Jury may now go deliberate. I'll be sitting here, taking a nap until they return," Mentok said.

* * *

 **Sealab...**

"Come on, Virjay! Just hook that blue wire in there already!" Jane said as she and Dr. Virjay tried to fix a broken automatic door. "Dammit, I am a doctor, not an engineer!" Virjay exclaimed before inserting the wire properly. "See, I told ya it was easy," Jane said with a smile. "Didn't I say that, Daria?" Jane asked as she turned around to see Daria trying to fix a broken light.

"Huh? Oh, um... sure, why not?" Daria replied before returning her attention to the florescent tube in her hands. "Which way does it go in again?" she asked herself. She looked up at the empty slot and sighed. "Dammit."

* * *

"The jury has a reached a verdict." "Very well, please go on," Mentok said. "We have found the defendant... not sweaty. I mean, not guilty," the juror said. "Okay. And I... find the defendant not guilty. Case closed and trial over!" Mentok declared.

"But what about my suffering?" Val whined. "Well, you can always sue Commander Li," Murphy said to her. "I mean, she _is_ the person in charge of Sealab's security, and she failed to report miss Sloane's dangerous abilities to me or to yourself since she was with you," Murphy said before walking away.

* * *

Date: Saturday, May 21st, 2022

"Ah, home sweet home," Murphy said as he stepped inside Sealab. He looked at the two police officers who had accompanied him and his crew. "So, which way to the security center to find Commander Li?" one of the officers asked him. "Oh, just follow the signs," Murphy said.

He took another deep breath before he looked around the station, seeing burn marks and loose wiring, along with duct tape over various things. "Hey, looks like Marco's been busy," Murphy said with a smile. Amy gasped in shock at the state of things. "We were only gone for half a week. How did things go so wrong so quickly!?" she asked.

"Well, we _did_ take Dr. Quinn with us, but surely Commander DeMartino would've kept things under control, right?" Sparks suggested. Soon, Commander Li appeared, fighting Commander DeMartino with a pipe. "Once I have control over this portion of Sealab, nothing will stand in my way!" Angela spat as DeMartino dodged a swing from her.

"Hmm... Maybe I should have hired a babysitter," Murphy muttered under his breath. "Um, Commander Angela Li?" Angela looked away from DeMartino and stared at the two police officers. "Yes?" she asked them. "Could you please come with us? You're under arrest for criminal negligence," one of the officers said.

Li gasped in shock as the officers cuffed her and hauled her away into the airlock. "Well, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today," Captain Murphy said. "Really? What?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "I don't know," Murphy said with a shrug.

Five minutes later, Sealab exploded.

* * *

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.

* * *

This episode didn't quite turn out the way I had planned Anyway, the next episode of Lawndale 2021 features a journalist visiting Sealab to do a story on a certain individual who resides there. I can't say anymore right now, though. We're in bat country.


	9. Fear And Loathing In Sealab

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 037 [3-09]: Fear And Loathing In Sealab

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Friday, June 6th, 2022

It was just a quarter past five in the morning, when that dreadful sound woke me from my slumber. The hell? It took me a minute to sit up and look around my small apartment bedroom, before I found the source of the disturbance on a nightstand next to my bed. "Oh," I said to myself quietly as I turned off my alarm clock.

Only, my alarm clock hadn't gone off. Strange. Instead, it was my phone. That was even stranger, as I was certain that the battery had been drained last night. Then again, after looking at the charger attached to it, I realized that talking mice must have snuck into my room in the middle of the night and plugged in the charger so that they could steal the battery for themselves later. Well, that certainly wouldn't be happening now.

Bastard rodents.

Anyway, the ringing continued, and I flipped open the phone to see the caller ID. The number looked familiar, so I pressed the 'Talk' button. "Paul, are you awake?" asked the voice of what I could only assume was a balding man with a cigarette problem, although since smell can't transfer through the phone, I couldn't be sure.

"Hello? Paul?" the voice asked again. Listening to it more, I began to think that perhaps it was a honey badger disguised as an overweight accountant jogging on the sidewalk in the middle of July, searching for precious rodents and rabbits to consume while shitting on people's doorsteps. It took me another few seconds to realize that it was actually my boss.

"Uh... hey there... sir," I said into the phone, still tired, but no less... tired. "Hey, Paul, I finally did it," my overweight boss said. Exactly two thousand and seventeen possibilities ran through my head at that moment, at least one of them being that my boss had admitted to his wife that he was cheating on her. Of course, he would probably have something resembling concern in his voice if that were the case. Another possibility was that he had finally paid off all of those loan sharks, and would no longer have to cut everyone's pay in order to keep his head on his shoulders every month.

"Uh... did it? Did... what, exactly?" I asked him over the phone. As I waited a few seconds for a response, I subconsciously realized that the caller ID was the work number from the office, and considering how early it was right now, my boss should still have been at home. Why was he calling me from the office? What was he still doing at the office? Doesn't he have a home to go to?

That was when I realized that the couch in my boss's office must also be a pull-out mattress, thus allowing him to sleep overnight. "Paul, I got permission for you to enter that ocean place. You know, Sealab," he said. "Sea...lab?" I asked him. I'd heard of the place, but I thought that it was merely an underwater drilling platform disguised as a research facility to ward off investigators.

"Yeah. Sealab. You'll be doing a report on a mysterious person named... Elsie Sloane, who some claim has special abilities and shit. I want you to do a report on this girl and maybe some of the other inhabitants of Sealab. If you hit this off, we might be able to secure an interview with Dethklok in the future," my boss said.

"Um... okay. When... uh, do I go?" I asked him. "Today. There's a boat waiting to take you to a submarine near a naval shipyard. You'll need to be there before one o'clock pm. They also refer to that as thirteen-hundred hours. Get up, get cleaned up, and get yourself ready to head under the ocean," he said.

"Uh... sure. Is there an address for the... shipyard?" I asked him. "Yeah. I'll send it to you in a text message. Is your fax machine or printer turned on? I can send you an email or a fax containing what you need," my boss said. It was strange, but it had just occurred to me at this moment that in all the time I'd known him, I'd never really paid enough attention to remember the fat bastard's name.

"Sure. Talk to ya when I get there," I said, hoping that my lack of concern didn't come out in my voice. I needed him to pay me for this, or else I wouldn't be able to stock my refrigerator for at least three days. Then again, that damn thing hardly ever has anything in it. Why haven't I downsized to a smaller one yet?

Anyway, I suppose you'd like to know my name, wouldn't you? Well, my name is Paul Duke, and I am a journalist. A professional journalist. Because of my strict professional standards, I also have an enormous drug collection. I don't really use the drugs when I'm at home so much as I just like to stand in front of the damn things in their cabinet and admire them for three hours at a time while listening to Pink Floyd.

In any case, I soon turned on my computer, and while the damn thing has the latest... whatever they call it, I still hate waiting, no matter how long, on principal. So, I went the bathroom, hopped in the shower, and then, after cleaning myself off, took a thirty minute shit before washing my hands and brushing my teeth. Of course, while I was looking at my e-mails, there was one little thing bugging me. It wasn't until I went to the kitchen that it finally hit me what I had forgotten earlier.

"Sweet Raptor Jesus! I forgot to flush the fucking toilet!" I of course had to make sure that the damn thing was flushed before I left. Now, to begin gathering the proper supplies for this trip. One can never be too sure when visiting new and unknown places. Were the people civilized? Were there bathrooms? Did they stock up on toilet paper?

Even as these questions ran through my brain, I was still busy taking care of one other very important matter, which was the briefcase in which I would store my drugs for this trip. I had to be certain that I took only what I could carry, since I was probably going to be frisked by two large hulking beasts with blue uniforms, as had been the case when I had gone to an airport once. I also wondered if I should take my type-writer or my laptop, but since the chances of having an internet connection underwater were slim at best, I decided that the type-writer would suffice. No point in being tempted by porn that I couldn't access.

About five hours later, I had arrived at the first stop, which was a boat dock. Looking around, I heard the sound of seagulls and I could smell that terrible ocean water. Filthy salt and fish waste mixing together to create a sour smell that wrinkled my nose. I made sure that my Hawaiian shirt was properly hanging open, since one does not tuck a Hawaiian shirt in. One tucks a regular shirt in and even a uniform, but not a Hawaiian shirt! Only uncivilized philistines did that.

I looked over and saw a man sitting in a chair under an umbrella. Next to him was a sign with my name on it. Good God, they were watching me! Already, I could feel my privacy slipping away with each step that I took forward. I eventually managed to stand in front of the man and open my mouth to make words come out.

"Uh... hello. I am... Paul Duke, from... Wasteful Wretched Planet," I said. The company I worked for was in competition with Sick Sad World. I had never watched Sick Sad World, but I knew of its existence. Much of this, of course, came from my co-workers and boss complaining about not being able to one-up those MTV-owned bastards.

"You ready to go meet the submarine?" the man asked me. He was a middle-aged man with a widow's peak and tinted sunglasses. Oh shit, I had forgotten to bring my sunglasses with me! There wasn't enough time to return to the apartment to get them. I would have to make do for now.

"Um... sure," I replied to the man's inquiry. "If you need to use the john, I suggest doing it now," he said to me. Right. Put my things on the boat and then use the bathroom. But I couldn't just leave my stuff with this man. Who knows what he might do with it or if he would steal and sell my possessions to some piss poor bum in an alley way for the satisfaction of watching them grovel and plead before taking their money after haggling with them for the sport of it?

"Sure, where is it?" I asked him. "There's one over there by the ice cream shack," he said as he pointed at a green-colored building next to a small Wonder Cone shoppe. Why hadn't I noticed that earlier? I hadn't taken any of my drugs yet, so I can only assume that the nausea caused by the ocean had forced my brain to focus solely on finding the boat for the sake of survival. I handed him my type-writer and told him to make sure that nothing happened to it. I had a spare at home, and this thing was old anyway, almost junk. Who would want it?

After leaving the scheming bastard alone and entering the bathroom, I found an unused stall. I quickly locked the door and sat down after dropping my pants and underwear. I checked my suitcase quickly. My clothes were in there, along with a toothbrush and toothpaste, essentials to any adventure, and beneath those clothes, on the other side of a small board, were my precious drugs.

I opened the second level of the case to reveal my collection. I had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.

It wasn't that I really needed all of this for the trip, but when one gets locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. Of course, I only had a short time to make my decision. I also needed to piss, but I knew that I had to make my selection now, before I whizzed away my troubles and became trapped in a metal tube under the ocean.

I had to be careful and methodical about what I would use before getting on the boat, since I would be in the presence of others, but I knew that I could not do this without something to keep me alert. Where the hell had I placed my fucking blunt!? I shit, I left it with my attorney, didn't I? That Puerto Rican bastard took it after meeting that girl at the bar yesterday, didn't he? That son of a bitch!

I was going to wring his-oh wait, it's in my mouth. That was a close one. One can never underestimate the importance of having something to stick in your mouth while trying to pass the time or even interact with your fellow human animals. It made them wary of you, but also respectful, and willing to give you space. It also made them curious, and so long as you gave them the proper glance, they would get whatever message you intended to send to them.

After carefully choosing, and by carefully I mean saying eenie meenie miney moe, I took a quick snort of ether. Not enough get seriously fucked up, but enough to coast along the ride. I also made sure to pocket two amyls with me, as a precaution. There is nothing in this world that is more helpless, irresponsible, and depraved than a man who is trapped in the depths of an ether binge. The amyls were for the purpose of counteracting the ether, and even with the small dosage, I would rather be safe than sorry.

After pissing away the tension, I decided to check the bathroom floor to make sure that I hadn't dropped anything, before washing my hands and exiting the ugly green building, walking briskly toward the boat. The man was talking to someone at the dock. Oh god, was this a trap? The closer I came, the better I could hear the conversation.

"And then, just after I tell him to stay seated, the guy just stands up, leans over and falls out of the boat. We're like two feet away from the dock, maybe less, and-oh, my fare is here," the man said to the other man in front of him. The other man stared at me with condescending eyes, his glare intense and savage, like a monster waiting to devour its prey. I'm pretty sure he was a nice fellow, though.

After handing the money over to the captain, we sped away and out into the green-ish blue yonder. It was about twelve noon, and we were within sight of the submarine, when the drugs began to take hold. I began to panic, wondering if anyone would notice my behavior as we got closer to the sub. As soon as we got close enough, the boat stopped. I was almost thrown off by the momentum, but I managed to keep my balance by sheer luck, and the fact that I was crouching down while holding my stuff.

"Why did we stop?" I asked him. "We can't stop here. Not here, dammit! This is bat country! Those goddamn animals will eat us alive!" I exclaimed frantically. "Uh, dude? We're out on the ocean. There ain't no fucking bats out here," the boat captain said to me with a raised eyebrow. He was already suspicious of me, I could tell. I needed to get off of the boat and into the submarine, away from this scheming madman as soon as possible.

I quickly said goodbye to the boat captain and stepped aboard the top of the sub, leaning over and looking down the hatch where a three person crew awaited me. I gave them my typewriter before I grabbed a hold of the ladder and carefully, with my suitcase in hand, climbed down into the metal tube of wonder and darkness. "Welcome to Sealab transport," a man whose badge identified him as the commanding officer said to me. He was smiling for some reason. It could be a trap, so I had to act cool and casual.

"Uh... hello," I said with an unnecessary salute. The man chuckled. "No need to salute me. Anyway, you ready to go under the ocean?" he asked me with a smile. I wasn't sure if it was a practiced smile, like those of grocery store and fast food employees who can't stand human interaction but have no choice because they have no money and they need this fucking job or else they'll be in debt forever, or if it was a genuine smile, like the man was just starting out and had yet to truly see the savage reality of the world as it was.

Poor bastard. He was doomed to a life of misery either way.

I remembered to nod my head and sit down, clutching my suitcase to myself and watching as the hatch closed. This was it. I was now in a metal vessel while on ether and my only solace was in my pocket. I had to be very careful about this, or else they may ask me to share, and I needed this stuff now. I didn't before, but now that the reality of the situation was beginning to sink in, I knew that I had to keep my drugs to myself if I were to survive this trip.

I could feel the men watching me, with their eyes scanning my form for anything dangerous or strange. They were like hawks, maybe eagles, but not majestic. The uniforms looked nice, but they were also very simple. I merely smiled nervously at them and glanced around while chewing on my blunt.

One of them asked me if it was real. To which I responded, "Yes, but I got nothing to smoke." The man laughed, which I thought was odd. I hadn't said anything funny, had I? Perhaps I was giving off that vibe, or maybe they were trying to make me feel welcome and comfortable. A plan, I could see, to make me lower my guard.

Scheming bastards. I would have to be wary around these guys. I couldn't afford to let my guard down for a second around them. "Oh, um, when we dock, we'll have to decompress before we can enter Sealab. It'll take at least an hour or more, otherwise you'll get decompression sickness. Decompression Sickness is caused by a reduction in ambient pressure that results in the formation of bubbles of inert gases within bodily tissue. We call it the shakes," the Lieutenant said.

"I think he's already got the shakes," one of the others said with a smile. Good, the effects of the drug were being confused for something else, although I had kept to myself and had made sure to keep quiet. "Sh-Shakes?" I asked. Dammit, I was supposed to keep quiet! What the hell is my problem!?

Of course, I would soon find that this little portion of my journey was the easy part. I still had to enter Sealab and track down Elsie Sloane. But before I did that, I would have to learn about her through others. That would be difficult, especially since I had no idea as to the layout of Sealab or where anything was located.

* * *

Daria Morgendorffer sat at her console, nodding her head. "Right. We'll have a welcome crew waiting for him when he gets here. Airlock One-Dee-Seven-Three. Got it," Daria said. "So, how does it feel to handle the official lines?" Sparks asked her. "I'm still not entirely used to some of the terminology," Daria replied.

"Ah, you'll get used to it after a while. Just remember to keep cool and focus. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask... or look in the manual. You have a copy of that with you, right?" Sparks replied. "Yeah," Daria said. "Good. Then you're in good hands," Sparks said.

"So, wanna tell me what the big news is?" Sparks asked her. "We're supposed to be receiving some kind of journalist," Daria replied. "Oh? What are they here for?" Sparks asked her. "I think they're doing a piece on life in Sealab, but I'm not entirely sure," Daria replied. "Hmm, oh well," Sparks said with a shrug.

He soon switched one of his console monitors over to a game of Solitaire. "Keep up the good work," Sparks said to her. "I'll just... you know, evaluate you and stuff," he added.

* * *

After nearly two hours of sitting in a cramped space that felt only slightly larger than a bathroom stall, I emerged from the airlock and took a step into the facility known as Sealab. I looked around the hallway that surrounded the airlock, noticing the various pipes above me and signs on the walls. The placed looked lived-in.

My blood was very thick, and I was afraid that I might not be able to properly explain myself in this atmosphere, yet it felt somewhat calm. I almost suspected it to be the beginning of a nightmare, being peaceful before turning terrifying. Three people were standing in front of me, I soon noticed after hearing someone clear their throat.

A small sensation of panic began to set in, although I tried to maintain a professional attitude about myself. I carefully looked at the three people. Two were female and one was male. The man was an older fellow, with black hair and grey on the sides. The women were of different ages. One had glasses and brown hair, with a green vest over her uniform. The other woman also had glasses, but was of a different ethnicity, possibly Chinese or Korean.

Looking at the older woman, I could tell that she was a schemer. I knew this because of how she was studying me, with her eyes narrowed in focus like a predator watching its prey. I almost swore that I saw the woman's face reminded me of a hawk mixed with a turtle, at least so long as she kept staring at me with intense scrutiny. I should have known that decompressing with drugs in my system would be horrible for me, but sweet Jesus did I need that ether!

Calm down, I thought to myself. Just ignore this drug in your system and pretend it's not happening. Pretend that everything is fine. I then made the mistake of opening my mouth, as though forces beyond my control were taking hold of my body to advance some further, hidden and potentially sinister agenda. "Uh... hello. I am... Paul Duke. I come from, um, Wasteful Wretched Planet. I am here to... write a... story," I said.

The man spoke to me first. "I am Commander Anthony DeMartino, and these are Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer and Commander Angela Li," he said in a voice that echoed through my ears with tragedy and exasperation. This man had seen some shit, I could tell right away.

"Hello and welcome to Sealab," the girl, Daria, said to me. Her voice had a monotone drawl to it, almost to the point of sounding unimpressed with her lot in life. She also sounded bored as hell. Perhaps she needed to be introduced to the wonders of laughers and screamers. "We certainly hope that your article will reflect upon Sealab as it truly is, and not in any manner that is biased by unfair opinions made by, say, court judges or magazine authors with grudges," the woman, Angela, said to me.

Her very specific word usage had already put me on alert. I could already tell that this woman wanted my story to make her look good. Not Sealab, mind you, but her, because I've met these kind of people before. Paranoid, scheming, rule-bending and manipulative to the Nth degree! My god, she was like an ego with a face, just waiting for an excuse to attack anyone who mildly disagreed with her.

This woman clearly needed some marijuana.

I nodded my head in false agreement with her, letting not a single be uttered forth from my lips, lest I give away my true mission and current state of mind. Did I remember to fold my laundry before I left home? This was a strange thought to have at a time like this, but it just struck me right then and there. I decided to push that thought to the back of my mind, for later introspection.

"I... will be as objective as possible," I said, once more speaking with a tongue that could almost lose itself to madness, yet found an anchor in the form of fear. Sweet, viable fear. It can make people do crazy things sometimes, even worse than a syringe full of heroin and a snort of blotter together, but hot damn can it also make you focus on your surroundings and force yourself to make the appropriate actions to stay alive.

Fear. My tongue had the sense of fear in it, yet I was still talking and trying not to bungle my way through this interaction. I had managed to drive to the docks, get on a boat, get into the submarine, and enter Sealab. Four steps were complete.

"Um... is there a..." bomb in my suite or a, "room for me to stay in somewhere?" Jesus, did I say the bomb part out loud? Did I just think that? All three people's eyes were on me, but they had also been looking at me before my thought had entered my head. I could only hope that I had kept certain parts of that question to myself.

"Of course," Commander Li said to me. I decided to think of her simply as that, in order to maintain distance from her in any form. Now, of course, I had ot hope that she was referring to a room being available, otherwise she had just told me that there was a fucking bomb in my room and that I would probably die. "Where is the room located?" I asked, the ether wearing off now.

"We can show you the room," Daria said. Despite wanting to keep a distance, this girl seemed intriguing. She was young, but also part of the station's crew. Perhaps she could give me some information on Elsie Sloane. The girl and Commander DeMartino led me over to some kind of motor vehicle. It looked like a the love child of a convertible and a golf cart, but without a top.

The ride to the guest quarters was mostly quiet, as I was constantly looking around, trying to memorize the layout of this confusing place. There were times that I could have sworn we had passed the same corridor thrice, and the same janitor twice! It was strange, to say the least.

Eventually, after multiple corridors that mocked my sense of direction and sanity, we arrived at the guest section of the station. Daria opened the door for me and handed me a key-card. "Don't lose this," she said flatly as she looked at me with a slight frown on her face. Had some poor bastard lost this key-card before? What had happened to them? Were they tied to a winch and lowered into a pool full of Barracuda? Vicious fish those things are.

"Thank you," I said, the ether having completely worn off. I was now in a normal state of being, and for me, that was pure cynicism and boredom. There was a reason I had turned to drugs, several in fact. Still, I had a job to do, and my briefcase... and my typewriter. My lovely, old antique typewriter, which I could never sell, not because of sentimental value, but because no one would ever buy the damn thing from me, and it would be a waste to just throw it away.

Anyway, as I watched Daria and Commander DeMartino drive off, I entered my room and closed the door, setting the typewriter down on the floor and looking over at the layout of the room. There was a bed, a night post, a table and chair, and door that opened to a bathroom with a toilet and shower with a sink and mirror above it, and that was it. There was also some kind of TV attached to the wall as well.

I made my way over to the bed and laid my briefcase on it, opening it up before checking my inventory for portable note-taking equipment, including notepads, pens, pencils, and even a snow globe with Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa inside of it. Wait... didn't I buy this for my nephew last Christmas? Why do I still have it? Oh well, I thought to myself with a shrug of my shoulders.

A few hours later, after discovering that I had actually brought a work tablet and charger in my suitcase, I was able to begin my search for information on the ever elusive Elsie Sloane. I made sure that the tablet was charged and that I had a recorder of some kind with me, not that I can remember where I got it, and a quick snort of blotter. For some reason, and I couldn't really fathom why, a small voice in the back of my head was telling me that this was a bad idea, despite the small size of the snort. Of course, there are reasons that I don't listen to that voice, mainly because it's full of shit.

After following the signs on a map, and downloading some kind of... tracking app or something for the tablet, I managed to locate a mess hall for the civilian residents of Sealab. I figured I would start off easy, tackling the small prey before moving to the big ones, like janitors. Never underestimate the knowledge held by a janitor, for despite their apathy, they are ones who hold all of keys to every location in any building.

A janitor can easily fuck you over with but only a single finger, and even then, they can simply not do anything at all. They hold all the keys, literally and figuratively. Still, I would have to work my way up before approaching such an esteemed and respectable figure as a janitor, so I settled for talking to some teenagers who I found in the "indoor park" as the recreational area was called. I found myself sitting across from two teenagers, both in a makeout session without a single hint of shame. One was a girl with blonde hair, and the other was a boy with black hair and shoulder pads.

"Uh, hello, may I ask you some questions?" I asked them. I could slowly feel the effect of the blotter begin to take hold, little by little. Every time I ignored that stupid little voice, I always ended up feeling something called regret. Strangely, I'm more comfortable with regret than I am with that little warning voice. That was something to ponder when I had the time.

"Sure!" the blonde girl said. "Well, I'm here to write an article on... this place," I said. "The indoor park?" the boy asked me. "No, Kevvy, I think he means Sealab," the girl said. "Oh," Kevvy said. Kevvy. What a strange name. "But, uh, my main focus is a mysterious person I've heard about named... Elsie Sloane," I added.

"Sloane? Oh, I know her!" the girl exclaimed. Jackpot! "You do?" I asked her. "Yep. She's the sister of Daria and Jane's boyfriend, Tom Sloane," the girl told me. "Interesting. Do you know anything else about her?" I asked. I wanted to ask about the girl's residence, but I assumed that asking such a question would be creepy and the station's security would be on me in a heartbeat.

"Well, she's around our age, and she goes to New Fielding Preparatory School, and she has a HUGE sexual appetite," the girl said. Um, okay. I wasn't sure I actually needed to know that last part, but info was info. "Oh, and she wears this mask thing on her face that makes her voice sound weird, because when people hear her voice without it, they go crazy and stuff," the girl said.

That... sounded a bit worrisome. "Does she have any friends? People close to her that I could speak with?" I asked. "Um... I think she's friends with Daria and Jane, and maybe that goth girl, Andrea," the blonde girl said. "Andrea? Hmm, where can I find her, you know, for questions and-" Oh my god, her pigtails were coming to life! They were twisting around wildly, and no one seemed to notice.

"And?" the blonde girl asked me. "And..." The pigtails moved again, pointing their tips at me in a threatening posture. they were territorial, and if I made one wrong move I was dead. "And... you know, questions... about Sealab. And stuff," I said cautiously. "Oh, Andrea? Well, I think she hangs out with Dr. Quinn or Dr. Virjay sometimes, helping them out with experiments and stuff," the girl said. "You can find both doctors in Pod Four," she added. I nodded my head slowly in appreciation. The tips backed down, satisfied that I was no longer a threat. I had to leave, quickly, before they changed their minds.

"You've been helpful. Gotta go," I said before getting up and walking away. I had to play it cool, though. Those hair points would want any excuse to come after me and kill me like a dirty commie bastard. I paced myself, eventually reaching another section of the recreational area, with a large door that had the words FOREST DOME on it.

"The hell?" I asked out loud. I pressed a button and the door opened, allowing me to step inside where I saw the most unusual sight to ever greet my eyes. Inside of this structure was a forest, with dirt and water and trees and some kind of bright, evil shining light up near the top of the dome. What kind of sorcery is this? How the actual fuck did they get a goddamn forest into this tin can?!

I immediately backed away from this weird place and resumed walking through the corridors of the Recreation pod, or whatever they call it, in search of more information regarding the mysterious Elsie Sloane. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an open ventilation duct. I soon came across a girl matching the description of the goth given to me by the blonde.

She was talking to an older man, an Indian I believe, about something that I only caught half of when I got within earshot. "-is why I think that using blue lights would help everyone," the girl said. The two people stopped talking as they noticed me. Play it cool, just play it cool.

I approached them cautiously. "Um, hello. I am Paul Duke... a doctor of journalism, and I'm here to ask you some questions about life in Sealab," I said. I could feel something, a hint of fear and anticipation, as the two watched me. I felt nervous, as though at any moment these two people could lash out at me and drag me through the halls of Sealab before dressing me up as an offering to some underwater pagan god.

"Well, what do you want to know?" the goth girl asked me. I chose my words carefully. "I suppose, I'd like to know about the history of this fine place," I said. Good. Lure them into a sense of false security with innocent questions and then carefully build up to the main objective.

The Indian man, and I say that because I can't remember his name, told began telling me about the history of this facility and its early days. I allowed him to continue, despite my lack of interest, simply to make sure that I raised no alarms. Interrupting him could easily end in disaster and suspicion. I allowed this knowledgeable man to continue speaking, perking up only after hearing him begin speaking about the construction of additional pods and the immigration of citizens from some town in Maryland or Pennsylvania called Lawndale.

Now we were getting closer to the goal. I looked down at the notes I had taken on my tablet, seeing that I had at least recorded the important dates of Sealab's construction, along with the words HELICOPTER and BIKER GANG. The man continued speaking, and I continued listening as he described strange events beyond comprehension. I was now hearing stories with gaps and strange elements. He would describe certain persons as dying in one incident before mentioning them being alive later.

I didn't snort that much ether, did I? No, I was still in control of my body, for the most part, although the goth girl now had glowing eyes, but I paid this no mind. I was fully aware of the drugs in my system, and I had experienced plenty of hallucinations of my dead grandmother climbing up my leg with a knife between her teeth. Once you get accustomed to that, you can handle almost anything, except for circus-themed casinos in Las Vegas.

Another hour had passed, and I soon realized that I had collected enough information for the official article on Sealab. With that out of the way, I could resume my search for details on Elsie Sloane, the person of interest in this deranged and demented world of steel and water. But first, I had to get back to my guest room, and compile my data. I could easily resume my search tomorrow, for right now I was still in that terrible state of mind known as mild sobriety, where you are most definitely under a drug influence, but you still have enough control over your body to put your basic motor skills to somewhat decent usage. A twilight zone of sorts, where you can still be held accountable for your actions because you aren't under enough of an influence to lose all control.

For many people over the age of 21 and various legal experts, this is a terrifying concept, as it means they still have to accept responsibility for their actions. People suffering from depression and mimes especially hate this state of being, as it causes mimes to actually speak, thus setting them down on a spiral of depression, sex, and drugs. Sometimes, though, they just lie on a bed and jerk off to pictures of elephants wearing dresses. Mimes are fucking weird.

With this in mind, I retreated back to my room and compiled my notes before working on the main article. Half-way through, I began rummaging through my suitcase, before I pulled out the quart of rum. I took a quick swig and resumed typing. I typed my articles well into the night, before the tired and strong hands of sleep pulled me away from my typewriter and wrestled me into unconsciousness.

* * *

Date: Saturday, June 7th, 2022

My eyes opened to my alarm on my cell phone, and I looked at the ceiling of an unfamiliar room. Where was I? There was something familiar about this unfamiliar place, which was the oddest sensation I had ever felt. I then remembered my assignment. I was still in Sealab and I reeked of alcohol. I noticed that there was a bathroom in this suite of sorts, and so I appropriately made use of it. I grabbed some clothes and headed in, keeping a mind to make sure that the drugs and booze were hidden before cleaning up.

I looked at the rough draft of the article I had written before falling asleep. It had the basic ingredients that my boss and editors demanded be included, such as the time frame of Sealab's construction and the names of prominent crew, but I knew that despite all of this, the article was merely a front. It was an excuse to get closer to something else, and that something else... shit, what the hell was the other goal?

I looked over my notes, finding a plan for taking out the crew of a submarine and the words DANGER, FOURTH WALL, and THOMPSON. Freshly showered and changed, I realized that I was now sober. I was no longer under the influence of the ether and amyls, and my mind was now perfectly cognizant. This needed to be rectified as soon as possible.

However, before I could do this, I needed to remember that other goal. What was it? I looked back over my notes and saw the name SLOANE in there. Sloane. Sloane... The name sounded oily and suspicious, like some kind of rich tycoon. Wait a minute... "Elsie Sloane," I said to myself as I remembered the mission given to me by my boss.

Clearly, I needed to find this Elsie Sloane and interview her. But what had I learned about her yesterday? My notes held a great deal of information, along with more random words and a very threatening note to myself that I must've written in a fit of self-hatred. This was puzzling, as I usually reserved threatening messages for other people, not myself. Unless, that is, I was threatening the tablet itself, which was a strong possibility.

I eventually found a section of notes that detailed the residence of this Elsie Sloane. Residential housing section in Pod 21. That much I had managed to learn. However, I did not know the exact housing unit, and thus I needed to make my way over to that pod. This was going to be a long day. Checking over my supplies, I gathered a small flask of ether, a handkerchief, two amyls, my recording equipment, and some kind of pencil with a multi-colored feather thing attached to it. I stared at the pencil in confusion, for I could not recall having ever had this one in my possession.

I wondered, sitting down on the bed, just how this strange pencil had gotten into my hands. The only logical conclusion I could draw was that I had actually picked it up by accident somewhere without noticing it. I hadn't yet taken any drugs or consumed any alcohol, so my mind was still closed and moving within the confines of the box. Throwing the pencil to the ground, I stood up and dabbed the handkerchief with the ether before shoving my nose into it to get a snort.

Unfortunately, I had miscalculated just how much ether I had soaked the handkerchief with, and so, I had become overwhelmed by sweet devil ether. It was a total body drug. The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column, and I now began to understand why it should only be used in places such as Las Vegas or amusement parks, where the behavior brought about by it is completely appropriate and almost unnoticeable at first glance by most. The thing about ether is that it makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel.

There is a total loss of all basic motor skills: blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue, and pretty much a severance of all connection between the body and the brain. This is especially interesting because the brain continues to function more or less normally; you can actually watch yourself behave in this terrible way, but you have almost no control over it. You are a prisoner trapped within your own body.

After a little while, the ether began to wear off, and with much stumbling, I was able to pop an amyl into my mouth. Amyl is a drug that can counteract the effects of the ether, but you only take so much at a time, to coast on it, and keep alert. With the amyl counteracting the strong ether, I could start focusing on what was important: finding Pod 21 and my target.

* * *

Lieutenant Sasha winters looked at the security monitor in front of her with a raised eyebrow. The journalist who had arrived yesterday was walking strangely through the hallways of Sealab, until he was almost run over by a transport cart driven by Captain Murphy. "What the hell is wrong with him?" Winters asked herself.

* * *

I sat in the seat next to the man who called himself Captain Murphy. "So, where ya headin'?" he asked me. "I'm... heading to pod twenty-one," I replied. "Hmm, what for?" Murphy asked me.

I didn't know how to explain to him the need to interview a teenage girl without getting myself sent to the slammer. There was a look about the man that seemed... off. I began to wonder if this man was entirely there. "I'm a doctor of journalism, and I need to go to this... pod for my story," I said. "Oh, alright then," Murphy said to me as he began driving.

"So, what do you think of Sealab so far?" he asked me, taking his eyes off the hall to look at me with an odd smile. Good god, man! Pay attention to the road, you bastard! Murphy squinted at me with a grim look on his face. For god's sake, look at where you're driving!

"Um, Sealab," I began, watching as we weaved through pedestrians and turned multiple corners at a dangerous speed, "is very, uh, interesting!" "Is that so?" Murphy asked me. "So... who are you really working for?" he asked me suspiciously. "W-What?" I asked him. "Don't lie to me, son. I know what you're really after here," he said.

I knew, right then, that I was fucked. "You're after my Happy Bake Oven!" Murphy said with a dangerous and accusing tone. I was puzzled. Clearly, this man was deranged, and I was still fucked, but not for the reasons I had initially assumed. "But you won't have my oven! Got that? Look at my oven the wrong way and I'll kill you and bury you out where no one can find you," Murphy said.

I began to scoot away from him in an attempt to put as much distance between us as possible in this cart. "That's right, squirm in your seat," Murphy said with a sickening smile as he continued to watch me. Pay attention to the goddamn road, you evil bastard!

"Take one step into my quarters without my permission... and it'll be the last that anyone sees or hears of you, understand?" Murphy asked me with a chuckle. I nodded my head in understanding. "Good. Now get out," Murphy said as he drove through a tunnel that connected two pods together. "W-What?" I asked him. "I said get out of the cart, or so help me I will drop you off at the orphanage with Dolphin Boy!" Murphy shouted at me angrily.

I frantically nodded my head and leapt out of the moving vehicle, rolling on the ground and groaning in pain as Captain Murphy drove off, laughing his ass off. I watched as he turned a corner after entering the next pod. I was going to miss that deranged sociopath. Now, how the hell am I going to get to Pod 21?

Remembering that I had functioning legs, and that the ether had been dampened, I began to walk through the tunnel, making my way through the pods. It took me over two hours of walking and getting lost before I finally came upon the Pod 21 housing section. A wave of relief flowed through me, followed by anxiety.

I had no idea which housing unit the Sloanes resided in, meaning that I had to be methodical about the selection process. I walked up to the first door I could see and knocked on it. The door slid open and a man with black hair looked at me with a frown. "Um, excuse me. I was wondering... how do I find the Sloane residence?" I asked.

"The Sloanes?" the man asked me with a hoarse voice. "Er, yes. The Sloanes," I repeated, trying to maintain an nonthreatening posture. The man studied me carefully before having a coughing fit. "The Sloanes are in Housing Unit 21-AA-0034," he said. Housing unit 21-AA-0034.

"Why do you want to know?" he asked me. "I, uh, I am a doctor of journalism and-" "You want to steer clear of that Elsie girl. She's strange, that kid. Hides in the vents and moves like a ghost," the man said ominously to me. "Watch your back," he whispered to me, his eyes staring into mine with intensity. I slowly backed away before he shut the door.

I looked at the number above the man's door. Housing Unit 21-AA-0012. I walked over and looked at the one to my left. Housing Unit 21-AA-0014. Turning around, I saw units 11 and 13 on the other side of the hall. What strange trickery. I quietly made my way through the hall, stopping only after hearing a strange noise.

Looking around, I saw a shadow dart across a junction before disappearing. Carefully walking over to the corner, I peered around and saw nothing strange, until a sound from above caught my attention. I looked up and saw a vent hatch being lifted into place before sealing shut. Carefully stepping back, I resumed making my way over to Housing Unit 21-AA-0034.

The door of the housing unit appeared to be like any other, but behind this particular door, I knew that something dangerous and mysterious waited. I raised my hand up into a fist and took a breath, to calm my nerves, before knocking on the door. I waited for three minutes, but there was no response. I knocked on the door again, and this time it slid open. A young man with a blue uniform and brown hair looked at me quizzically.

"Um, can I help you?" he asked me. "I am, Paul Duke. I am a doctor of Journalism and I am here to write a story on life in Sealab. I was hoping that... getting stories from its residents would provide some valuable insight," I said. Technically, I did not lie to this young man.

"I'm Tom Sloane. Let me get my mother," he said before closing the door. Well, at least I knew I had the right address. A minute later the door opened, and this woman with dark hair smiled at me. "Hello, I'm Kay Sloane. Why don't you come inside, Mister..." "Duke. Paul Duke, doctor of journalism from Wasteful Wretched Planet," I said. She nodded her head in a manner that reminded me of a a predator watching its prey.

I was being lured into a trap, and I had no way out except to back up, but I could not back down now, not when my goal was so close at hand. I nodded with a smile and walked inside the housing unit. Mrs. Sloane offered me a seat on the couch and I made sure that my recording devices and tablet were in obvious view, to prevent any misunderstandings. I did not need this woman's husband to walk inside his home and see his wife with another man and jump to conclusions.

"Tom, go find your sister," Mrs. Sloane said. "Huh?" the young man asked her. She repeated her order, and he nodded his head before disappearing into a small hallway. "So, why does your boss want you to write an article on my daughter?" she asked me. As soon as I registered the question, I entered a state of calm panic. On the outside, I seemed composed, but inside, my mind was screaming at me. My instincts were telling me to run.

I was trapped. I was fucked. I was dead meat, and nothing could save me. I had entered a viper pit and it was only a matter of time before one of the little bastards decided to bite me and inject lethal venom into my bloodstream. "How... how do you know that?" I asked her, since clearly I had made no mention of Elsie Sloane at all to this woman.

"I can read your mind," she replied. During my various visits to places of interest, I had often stumbled upon people claiming to read minds and tell the future. Of course these people were bums and scam artists, although they had mastered their craft to an art, if their ability to stay afloat was any indication. This woman had made no such claim prior to her statement.

I soon heard footsteps and saw a teenage girl walk into the room. This was my target. My true mission in all of this mess. "So, you wish to speak with me?" she asked. Her voice was deep and baritone, thanks to the thing on her face. "What's with the... uh..." "Ordinary mortals cannot hear my true voice without suffering horribly," she explained.

This was certainly interesting, and at this point I was beginning to wonder if I had taken more amyls than necessary, or if I had taken some mescalin at some point, but I could not recall touching any mescalin or LSD today. I only had the one amyl left, and the ether had worn off during my search for the housing unit. Normally, hallucinations are bizarre and out there, but this situation was almost down to Earth, and only the actions and words of these people seemed strange and bizarre. I now had to face the unfortunate fact that the situation I found myself in was actually happening. This was real, and I now hated my boss with more burning passion than I had ever thought possible.

"Is this real?" I asked rhetorically. "Indeed it is," Elsie replied. I now had proof that this was real, and I was within reach of my goal. But now I had wonder... what was the goal? My boss wanted me to write about Elsie Sloane, but he wanted something that was mysterious, and what I had in front of me was a girl with a weird voice and strange habits. And the worst part was that I had no clue what to do. What questions should I ask? Where do I start? Where do I end? What was the point of this? With all of this in mind, I made one simple decision: jump blindly into the frenzy and see what happens.

"So, tell me about life in Sealab," I said. Although I couldn't see her mouth, I was positive that the girl was smiling, especially with the way her eyes shifted. For the briefest of moments, things seemed to be going all right. And then, an hour later, the girl removed her face mask thing, and my trip became a hellish nightmare.

* * *

Date: Sunday, June 8th, 2022

I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling of what seemed to be an infirmary. For a few minutes, I wondered what had happened, and I how I had gotten here. And then, it came back to me. I had asked the girl what her voice sounded like, and I heard it. I heard something that I cannot explain with ordinary words. In the few seconds before I blacked out, I had managed to retrieve my ether rag and take a long snort, before popping the last amyl into my mouth.

I do not know why I did this. Performing those actions was a mystery to me, and yet, some part of me, deep in the back of my mind, told me that this had somehow saved my life. I honestly don't know how that worked. Still, I was alive. I soon began remembering what else had happened after hearing the girl's voice. I saw things, terrible things.

I saw the world as a nightmarish circus, and though I felt fear and horror, I could not bring myself to do anything. Large, frightening pig-people were serving ice cream made out of mud to deformed children with digitigrade legs and pointed ears, whose laughter was a mixture of nails on chalkboards and cats whining. Large hulking spiders with clown faces strode over the ruined landscape of burnt buildings and young girls with blue leotards were chased by hungry badgers.

This was the world if the Third Reich had won the war. This was hell. There was no self preservation instinct screaming at me. There were no urges to run or hide. In the middle of the chaos that was around me, I saw her. I saw the creature of life and death, giant and glowing white with red eyes that stared down at me with glowing wings protruding from her back as she smiled at me.

I saw red skies and black clouds, and I even got to ride a moose. I don't know where the moose came from, but riding the back of that giant mammal was an experience that I will never forget, even though I'm quite certain that it never actually happened. And at the end of it all was a blissful haze that soon made the whole world fade to black.

I was shaken from this reverie when the Indian doctor from the other day spoke to me. "Ah, you are awake. Now, please tell me, how are you feeling?" he asked me. How am I feeling? That was an interesting question, especially since I had experienced probably the most intense and nightmarish trip ever caused by something that wasn't a drug.

I looked up at the doctor and sighed. I don't even remember the point of this trip anymore. I had found my target, and gotten my story. But at what cost? I was still able to think in a coherent manner, so I clearly hadn't lost my sanity. "Depressed," I answered honestly. "I'm depressed, and I feel like someone's standing on my neck."

A day later, when I left Sealab, I went straight back to my apartment and began editing the final draft of my story. I would not share my nightmare with the editor, nor would I take my attorney's gun and kill him. Instead, I stared at my laptop screen, and looked at my reflection.

It took me several minutes of introspection, but I finally managed to begin my work in earnest, until a terrible thought occurred to me. I sighed in frustration and reluctant acceptance of a simple fact. I had left that goddamn snow globe down there, hadn't I?

* * *

Ending Theme: This Is The End, by The Doors.


End file.
